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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

made a huge mistake with ex

31 replies

pumpkinpie5 · 08/09/2017 17:56

I have posted on here before, although a while ago.

My (abusive) ex partner and I have minimal contract and I have tried to set things so that we only talk regarding our dd.

It has taken a lot of counselling to get to the point where I feel more in control. Previously he used to come to my home and try to initiate sex. He was sexual ly abusive in our relationship.

I am in a better place now and he seems to be too. But today we had lunch before he picked up dd and he tried things on again and I was in a "fuck it mood" due to him telling me he is having another dd with his new wife.

We didn't have full sex but did things we shouldn't. I now feel like a total idiot and no better than his new wife who previously was the ow he walked out on us for.

I don't know what I am asking really. I felt on a weird high today because I felt I was in control and it was my decision and I was in control rather than it be forced on me but I know I was in shock from his news and rather than cry, this happened instead.

I don't know what to do now and I'm worried that all the boundaries I built up have come crumbling down. I was also the better person before and now I feel like an awful person. I have the wine out already and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

thestamp · 08/09/2017 18:04

Don't drink. Can you run a bath and have a cup of tea or something. Drinking is likely to.make you feel more out of control.

Can you get in to see your counsellor very soon? Maybe chat on phone?

You need support IRL. You can keep your boundaries up - but you probably need to talk through stuff with someone who knows you and supports you, as this is a quite destructive thing you've just done, with someone who has been really destructive towards you - there's a lot to sort out in your head right now.

thestamp · 08/09/2017 18:05

Can you call a friend to sit with you tonight?

Huskylover1 · 08/09/2017 18:07

Doesn't sound like a mistake to me! I presume you are single though?

I think it's a brilliant shrewd move, actually.

I would make a note of the day and time. I'd probably try to get him to admit to it via text/recording. Perhaps ask him via text, if he felt today was a mistake? Keep his reply. It's something to have in your back pocket for a rainy day. He's hardly going to want to piss you off now, if you have that information, that you could show to his wife. Say, for eg. if he tried to drastically cut your child maintenance when his new baby comes along.

I wouldn't feel sorry for his wife. I presume that she knew about you, and didn't afford you any consideration, when she was shagging your husband? Karma really.

Funnily enough, I think this is going to be the plot line in Doctor Foster.

TheNaze73 · 08/09/2017 18:09

Don't keep the texts, don't dwell on it, just be the better person & move on

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 18:10

He's hardly going to want to piss you off now, if you have that information, that you could show to his wife. Say, for eg. if he tried to drastically cut your child maintenance when his new baby comes along.

I seriously wouldn't play games with an abuser!

I presume that she knew about you, and didn't afford you any consideration, when she was shagging your husband? Karma really.

That works both ways though now doesn't it.

Oakleygirl · 08/09/2017 18:12

I agree with "the stamp". Stay off the wine....you need support asap, but in the meantime, don't beat yourself up. We all make spur of the moment/seemed a good idea at the time/let my guard down mistakes.
You are not an awful person, believe that. It takes great strength to extract yourself from an abusive relationship, I know.

You've done brilliantly, don't spoil it now......you CAN go back to being in control.

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 18:18

I would re think your boundaries if 'having lunch' with someone who has sexually abused you is within them.

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 08/09/2017 19:22

Thank you all for your replies, even those telling me I'm out of line. I know I am, and this isn't me.

Yes I am single. I haven't been in a relationship since the one with him. I managed to be the better person but I'm not now am I?

I feel very messed up. Due to the nature of our relationship this is causing huge issues for me, I can feel it already.

I do need to see my counsellor but I really don't know if I can tell her. She has spent a huge amount of time helping me build distance and boundaries. I feel like I've failed myself and her.

OP posts:

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 08/09/2017 19:35

I thought I was being in control for a change rather than having things forced on me I went along with it. But I wasn't, I feel like I've pressed the self destruct button 😕 I'm an idiot.

OP posts:

Isetan · 08/09/2017 19:35

You fell off the 'detach from the arsehole wagon' and now you need to get right back on it.

I think you need to accept that you may never be really over him and because of that, you really can't afford to let your guard down. No more lunches and no more listening to his crap. He is not a friend and never will be, e is a co-parent and one that is pathologically wired to manipulate you.

Don't beat yourself up, that's what he wants, chalk this up to experience and never put yourself in this situation again.

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 08/09/2017 20:00

Thank you.

I'm so confused. This came out f nowhere today. I really did think I had put this in the past. I don't want him back, I know what he's done to me, I just feel that this has set me back hugely.

I also have his news of having a new dd floating around in my head and I'm trying not to let myself think about that- which may be partly why I did what I did earlier, rather than have an emotional reaction.

I am making no excuses for what I did though.

OP posts:

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/09/2017 20:04

Hi OP, don't beat yourself up when you've been doing so well. Think of it as a relapse that you are going to put firmly behind you and get back on track. You've already proved that you can do this and you'll be able to do it again. You are only human! We all make mistakes but it's the not dwelling on it and the recognising that it was a minor blip in the grand scheme of things that is important.

thestamp · 09/09/2017 02:07

You didn't self destruct - you've simply relapsed.

Your counsellor would feel devastated by you not reaching out for support at this time. They just want you to succeed and I can promise you they know about relapses and how they work! Reach out, break the silence, don't let shame creep in.

Apileofballyhoo · 09/09/2017 09:28

Please don't feel you've let anyone down, yourself or the counsellor. And do tell her. It's hard for a counsellor to help if they don't know what's going on.

Talith · 09/09/2017 09:35

I can understand why you felt in control and I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it. You'd be better off not getting into bed with him again. He clearly plays women off against each other and you'll fall out of favour again in time and it'll hurt more if you've been intimate.

Starlight2345 · 09/09/2017 09:41

Take this as a lesson..

You do not have enough boundries up..

You shouldn't be having lunch with him...You have a formal relationship with him which is about your DD..

This man has no respect for women and is never going to change. Do handovers at the door. Keep conversation only about your DD...He is not nor ever will be your friend.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 10:01

You should definitely tell your counsellor.
She won't be upset with you at all.
She will want to help you.
I get the feeling like you hit a self destruct button. But you've a knowledged it and you now need to talk it through
We all have set backs, nothing is ever plain sailing

ChickenBhuna · 09/09/2017 10:05

Don't have lunch with him op. What you're doing is not minimal contact.

If you keep to actual low contact I think you'll be fine.

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 09/09/2017 11:02

Thank you for your replies. I had a bad night last night so have only just made it out of bed. I have emailed my counsellor, my next appointment isn't for two weeks so I did email this morning.

I didn't get into bed with him. We were downstairs having a coffee before he collected dd.

I will definitely go back to doorstep handovers. I know I've been so stupid, he just k ow what to say to me and when he's being nice I think maybe we can be friends after all, and I am lonely and it feels nice to chat. I k ow that sounds pathetic and I really must not let the barriers down.

I'm just ashamed of myself. I would never ever be involved with someone who was in a relationship- I thought I was better than that. I am really feeling upset with myself today.

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 11:25

Don't be hard on yourself op
We all make mistakes, in the moment
You're not alone in this

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 09/09/2017 11:30

Thank you. Do other people make the same mistakes after a long period of leaving an abusive ex? I thought I had got stronger. I text him to say it shouldn't have happened and his response was- "I know, but it felt great" so he's obviously not worried about it at all.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 09/09/2017 11:35

Of course we are only human, you really don't need to beat yourself up. It was a mistake and you have learnt that he still wants to control you, he's not your friend.

As an aside in case you can't get hold of your counsellor soon, have you tried mood gym? I have used it for having an 'overly critical inner voice' it really helped me. Just a thought as it sounds like you are doing the same as me.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 11:38

Yes people definitely make the same mistake you have. You are very strong
It's a blip, and hopefully you will be able to strengthen your boundaries with him.

Don't text him anymore though, his answer says everything about him. He wants you to say "yes it was" he's reeling you back in.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 11:39

That's what abusive arseholes do.
As long as you can recognise that then you're on the road to recovery x

Original poster

pumpkinpie5 · 09/09/2017 12:54

Thank you. It makes it clearer seeing other people's view. I'm so caught up it it all that I can't rationalise it all.

OP posts:

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