Life after engagement

[Safana]

Our engagement and relationship ended a few months ago and I couldn't let go. So eventually, he gave me an ultimatum. Get back together with no prospect of marrying, no kids and no living together. I accepted but now I feel like crap. He says it's a new relationship with new rules. He works hard but says he'll contact me when he wants to, sees me when it's convenient to him. Says that he wants to give me little commitment and I'm confused. I have a daughter that he was getting to know and was even referring to her as his step daughter, now since the break up/back together scenario, he often doesn't talk to her and always says she's nothing to do with him anymore.

What are you asking here? If you're not happy with the new "rules" then it's time to move on.

... So he's just broken up with you and is now using you for an ego boost when he fancies. This is not a relationship and you need to stop seeing him no matter how hard it is. Sorry if this sounds harsh but he clearly doesn't love you or want to be with you. Let yourself move on so you can find someone who will appreciate you.

That's awful if you don't want to live that way. I've seen this happens before. Eventually he will find "the one" & you'll be ditched. Save yourself that heartbreak plus every bit of contact now will feel like rejection. Find someone who is worthy of you. He isn't.

Well, he sounds absolutely horrible. Why have a relationship with someone and give them rules that you know will make them unhappy? Maybe think about why you're putting up with this, it sounds like you need to pay more attention to your self esteem. In the meantime just finish it, it's not going to do you any good at all. And at all costs, keep this awful man away from you daughter.

He doesn't want to be with you, but he wants sex.

Love, you deserve better. Be strong, kick him to the kerb and move on. I know it's hard but life is too short. The right person will give you all his love and commitment.

Hi OP,
I would be concerned about his U-turn on marriage, you were engaged and now he wants a commitment that marriage is not an option?
Is marriage, kids and living together something you would want at some point? It sounds like he has checked out completely but is happy to have you hanging on when he fancies it.
I'm sorry but what you have described doesn't sound like a relationship at all and he's showing you zero respect, this must also be confusing for your daughter.
I also think you should walk away from this, you deserve to be treated better.

This sounds a bit strange to come up with such rules out of the blue after breaking off the engagement. I think there is something more to this story. Why did you call off the marriage ? Are you dependent on him in any
way ( firnacially etc?)

If you want to start a family straight away then perhaps starting dating afresh with the same man doesn't really work.

Also why he is suddenly distanced himself from your daughter ?

He's using you. He doesn't give a shit about you, sorry.

Why are you settling for so little?

Do you not realise that what you're choosing to settle for with him will also have a huge impact on your daughter?

Having nobody is far better than having someone who's only half there. But in this case he doesn't even want to be there at all! He's basically told you he will see you when he wants to which translates to, he'll see you when he wants a shag.

Get rid. If not for your sake, for your daughters.

It's that part of me that found 'the one' that keeps holding onto this relationship. Perhaps i cant or couldnt deal with losing him. He claims the new rules are his defence mechanisms kicking in, and do you know what's really annoying, we broke up because I was nearly mugged on my way to work one morning and I needed him, this led onto him saying he thought it wasn't as bad as I said and that he had too much on at work to think about it.
Yes, I agree, this is going nowhere and I need to man up and stop feeling like I cant live without him.

He doesn't love you though. He can literally take or leave you.

We don't share any money responsibilities and we don't live together either so my daughter doesn't see him as much as she used to.

It's so confusing, he says he loves me but they are just words I know, showing me is what I need.

Bloody hell. Next! he's not for you.

He's a twat.

'The one'? FFS....

I don't think this is confusing at all. He has a cold cold heart and seems to be able to make wild promises then pull the rug out from under you on a whim. This makes him a bad partner and explains why you are feeling confused because he has done hot/cold in an attempt to confuse you so that he can bend you to his will.

Thank your lucky stars he broke off the engagement, dump him from a great height and run away fast all the while being thankful he never actually became DD's step dad!

Oh and stop believing in this fantasy of 'the one'!

Why on earth are you settling for crumbs off his table?

Go find a nice juicy steak with all the trimmings and cheesecake after. They are out there

I virtually never comment but this is pitiful. Would you want your daughter to be treated like this.

You are worth so very much more thank this.

Please ditch the selfish narcissistic appendage.

You're all so right, I was thinking all of what you've said and I know it's true. It's the admitting it that's hard. Yes, the one is actually quite stupid as they realistically don't exist. My sister said I'm clever enough to work it out in my head, apparently I always do in the end. I just wanted others perspective so that my stupid head stopped thinking the way it has been. Thank you all so much x

He's treating you horribly and it isn't an accident. Defence mechanisms? Yeah, the thing he wants to protect himself from is having to feel bad for upsetting you with a break up. If he's just fucking horrible to you under the guise of it being your choice and what YOU wanted he can guarantee either you lump it with no "right" to be upset until eventually he just doesn't bother calling, or you wise up and ditch his ass, inn which case he doesn't have to shoulder being the bad guy. Seriously, he's horrible. Good men don't do this. Good men MAN THE FUCK UP. Go get you one of those!

PS show your daughter bad-ass women don't settle for emotionally crippled cowards.

Just seen your update - good on you OP, you've got your head screwed on! It always takes a while to see the wood for the trees post-break-up (it's easy from the outside) but it looks like you're sister's right, you always get there :)

Also think on this: the more time you're with Mr Wrong, the less available you are to spot Mr Right. You're currently off the market with this (cruel) twat. What if Mr Right literally passes you by cos you're concentrating so hard on picking up the crumbs this bloke deigns to drop once in a while?

Shit, I never even saw it that way, of course, he's making me feel like this so I break up with him so he then can walk away Scot free, ffs, I'm so bloody dumb sometimes.

I've often thought that too, I'm so consumed with him that if another passed me by, I'd literally wouldn't spot him

OMG, get shot of him and feel good about it.

Love is an action, not a word.
Or if it is only a word, it's useless.

'The one'? Yes, a crappy one.
There is no such thing as 'the one', if you had not met him, you'd've met somebody else. And you will meet somebody better in the future.

Have you heard of limerence? Free yourself and leave him to loving himself.

Well he's hardly desperate for you to stay is he, what with all of his "you just wait right there until I can be bothered with you" rules. Dickhead. Let him have his guilt-free breakup, it's totally worth it to be shot of him!