Just can't connect to DH's emotional side

[Muffintopsheretostay]

Alright so is it always hard for men to talk about their feelings to their partners? Or do they not talk about them at all until a problem occurs that bothers them a great deal? We women want to talk about how we feel at least once a day or, fine, two days. But it has to come up. I feel like I see glimpses of his emotional side only rarely. Also it's difficult for my DH to know how to respond when I really want him to show his support or something. He's not a bad person at all- he just doesn't have the experience of dealing with a girl and her issues. Maybe he's been raised as a stereotypical boyish boy. As a pregnant woman I do feel that on some days my moods are going everywhere at once. I want to be made to feel like it's okay. Worth noting that he works and I don't. Though I'll change that in the future.

We have our good times too, like on weekends and such otherwise emotions are a no-go zone. I just end up being very sarcastic to him all the time.

Rant over. I hope you weren't too bored not to reply :-(

KarmaNoMore we are close didn't loose it. He doesn't like discussing emotions or "making" problems when there are none. He isn't much of an "emotional" guy. As a girl I want to have that emotional attachment with him, like I would with my girlfriends. Also we have only been married a year n a half and moved in together after the wedding

How the relationship generally? Maybe he finds it difficult to express emotions. I wouldn't make this into a thing men can't do and women can; it can equally be the other way round in a relationship

Ummm you picked him as he is. He's unlikely to change.

Shoxfordian The relationship is nice. Though I feel like the emotional reins are in my hands. I have all the feelings in the world that make me want to invest and build and water the bonds that make a relationship. I want him to do all the tiny beautiful things. When I'm down, he realises it and tries to navigate the waters and in his own way, tries to make things better. But some days, when I am in a bad mood, I just give up and think he's not going to say anything to soothe me in an emotional capacity. As a pregnant woman I just want to be pampered. Do I make any sense at all

women want to talk about how we feel at least once a day or, fine, two days

I don't. I would rather have my teeth pulled.

Why not relate to him as he is- not as you think he should be?

JessicaEccles I'd really like to hear your opinion. How is it that you don't feel that way? And how do you suggest I relate to him?

Could your husband be on the autistic spectrum? This could be a possibility to explain the lack of empathy.

Aside from that is he willing to put some work in? Have you told him how you feel about expressing yourself?

I talk about how I'm feeling everyday and so does my DP

women want to talk about how we feel at least once a day or, fine, two days

Err... I bloody don't. Neither does DH. Luckily. You say he tries to make things better in his way but you want to be 'pampered'... what do you mean by this?

meyourelookingfor

If he's on the autistic spectrum? Highly doubtful. I wouldn't say he lacks empathy. Can't find a better word to explain what's missing

DH and DS like to talk about their feelings. I would quite happily never speak to another human being for the rest of my life.

I talk to them in the way they seem to need and they leave me the hell alone.

You need to stop thinking of this in terms of 'us women need to talk about feelings' because we really don't. We're all different.

Think about what you, as an individual, need. Communicate that clearly to your partner: When I say I feel X I need you to do Y.

If he can't/wont do it then you decide if you can live with that or not. It could well be that you're just not compatible.

I get genuinely confused about people who constantly want to talk about their feelings.

I don't care 😂 unless it's some extreme feeling I don't need to know your mood status 24/7

Muffintop - it was that you said this that made me think;

I feel like I see glimpses of his emotional side only rarely

And

Also it's difficult for my DH to know how to respond when I really want him to show his support or something

Which I took as describing a lack of empathy?

As others have said it really isn't about gender although one could argue that men are raised not to show emotion etc. Your husband reminds me of DDs father (relatively amicable split). However, my current DP is able to listen, be supportive and talk about his feelings on whatever covering a range of emotions.

This is one of the very worst sexist tropes TBH - women do feelings things, men can't.

It's one of the reasons girls on the spectrum find it so hard.

The reality is every person is born with various genetic propensities and deficits. The environment we grow up in shapes our skills and talents. Because socialisation is highly gendered if you are a boy who is a feelings person or a girl who is a facts person (this is how I describe it to my kids) things are a bit harder because you don't fit with the stereotypes re feelings.

But now that sexism is becoming less acceptable and relationships are not as transactional, many men who have been socialised not to develop emotional intelligence or were socialised out of using the attributes they were born with are finding they lack necessary skills for adult relationships.

Sounds like your husband is one of them.

Offreds nailed it.

People who are on the spectrum don't lack empathy BTW, though it can feel that way to be around them (amongst other things!).

One of the main difficulties with being on the spectrum is that you often have very, very strong feelings but you lack the skills to be able to understand or handle them. This is one of the reasons why ASD kids often benefit from having a pet because the relationship is much easier for them to negotiate than with people.

Have you talked to him about this stuff? If so what did he say?

That is what I was I was trying to get across Offred.

So is he good at listening and supporting you when you want to have an emotion dump? Surely that's the most important thing. It sounds like you're trying to change a fundamental part of his character by making him wear his heart on his sleeve more and talk all deep and meaningful about his thoughts and feelings. Some people just aren't like that so you need to respect that. There is no gender normal and I think your post reads as if you have a rather fairytale stereotypical expectation of how a married behave.

Does him needing to know how you feel equate to being ranted at for 45 minutes? ( it does in our house)😀

This is one of the reasons why ASD kids often benefit from having a pet because the relationship is much easier for them to negotiate than with people

Not just the kids

I literally do not understand why people want or need to talk about their feelings- it doesn't change anything, it's just words. I would rather have someone who treats me properly than someone who goes on and on about nothings.

I think it is just as simple as some people are predominantly feelings, some are predominantly facts/practicalities, some are extremes of these and their lack of skills in either one or the other cause them problems, probably there are more people who are not at the extreme end but are mostly feelings - I think this is the most common type of person.

I think the people who have it easiest are the people who are more in the middle. The ones who have it harder are the people who are socialised out of skills they were born with (self esteem problems) and the people who don't match the gendered expectations of society.

But then I am not naturally a feelings person. I've developed emotional intelligence because it is important but feelings, especially expression of strong feelings, confuses, paralyses and makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time.

Having kids has helped me develop those skills, as has having a sister only 15 mos younger who is the polar opposite to me. Even if I don't understand it from the inside and think the feelings are irrational I do understand why they are being like that and what they need from me when it happens.

Or I suppose it's actually that most of the people I know are people who are more feelings people! Don't know what everyone is like.