Just can't connect to DH's emotional side

[Muffintopsheretostay]

Alright so is it always hard for men to talk about their feelings to their partners? Or do they not talk about them at all until a problem occurs that bothers them a great deal? We women want to talk about how we feel at least once a day or, fine, two days. But it has to come up. I feel like I see glimpses of his emotional side only rarely. Also it's difficult for my DH to know how to respond when I really want him to show his support or something. He's not a bad person at all- he just doesn't have the experience of dealing with a girl and her issues. Maybe he's been raised as a stereotypical boyish boy. As a pregnant woman I do feel that on some days my moods are going everywhere at once. I want to be made to feel like it's okay. Worth noting that he works and I don't. Though I'll change that in the future.

We have our good times too, like on weekends and such otherwise emotions are a no-go zone. I just end up being very sarcastic to him all the time.

Rant over. I hope you weren't too bored not to reply :-(

My partner has Aperture they found very similar, although I'm not one to discuss my feelings either. If I experience a difficult situation he doesn't follow with normal empathy type human cues actually he often doesn't respond at all as he kind of over loads lol.

Yep you sound like me at the beginning of my marriage! We had also not lived together prior to, so although we had been together several years, circumstances and jobs meant that we hadn't lived together full time. If we had, I'm not sure I would have married him.

Mine was extremely emotionally immature, repressed everything, didn't understand his own feelings never mind mine. It caused HUGE problems.

We are still married 10 yrs later and he is so very very different these days. It's taken a lot of effort on his part and he can still be a knob at times but he has matured a great deal. It's only been within the last couple of years though. Therapy helped, lots of reading on the subject but most importantly, his desire to be more emotionally available.

Aspergers*

*I get genuinely confused about people who constantly want to talk about their feelings.

I don't care 😂 unless it's some extreme feeling I don't need to know your mood status 24/7*

I agree with this. I just kind of get on with life. Unless there's something major going on, I have no desire to discuss my feelings. I don't really understand what feelings people discuss on a daily basis TBH.

I don't want to talk about my feelings everyday either! Either does DH thank god. We assume all is well unless we are upset, in which case we are both very quick to pick up on it. Really really don't need a status report on feelings every day.

My mum and sister are people who want to talk about feelings all the time and two of my kids are too. My son just needs a huge amount of time invested into talking about feelings now because he's 12 and feels super uncomfortable with all the impulsivity, my daughter is only 7 and she just has her feelings all the time, she can go from hysterical crying to hysterical laughing.

I think I've learned really that feelings people just need to be able to have the fact they are having feelings accepted by the people around them. If you try to 'fix' the feelings as though they are 'a problem' they feel judged and like you think there is something wrong with who they are. They like it if you can work out and pre-empt times where they are going to have one emotion or another and you just be kind and hear them.

Probably what your husband needs to learn OP.

If he is not a feelings person he may be doing 'things' and not really understanding why this makes you unhappy. If you are doing feelings at him he might appreciate it more if you were to do things.

You just need to talk about it and work out how to balance it.

feelings, especially expression of strong feelings, confuses, paralyses and makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time.

This, in spades. My family are very emotionally loud and demonstrative- and any show of emotion or perceived demand to show emotion or talk about it causes me to just freeze.

I literally have no idea what is expected from me.

Every person with ASD is different ofc. Many people with ASD are almost too empathetic. They can have trouble dealing even with their own emotions so having to deal with someone else's can be almost impossible.
And I do think it is partly also to do with the way men are socialised. Stereotypically girls discuss feelings and men discuss facts. There's that stupid saying "boys don't cry" aka don't show your emotions. "Man up" ie deal with it (obviously good in some situations but not all).
My dad is similar. His family very much kept themselves to themselves as he was growing up whereas my mum's family were very much into discussing feelings/problems.

As a girl, I was always criticised growing up for being 'hard', unemotional, not showing my feelings. (This is not true - I was devastated when Firefly was cancelled ... ).

as said above, I can't label my own emotions.

Muffintopsheretostay I totally understand what you mean. DP is like this and I find it very difficult.

I thought our emational closeness would come with time. I thought it was a trust issue and he'd open up eventually. But now I see he hasn't a clue what it is to be emotionally close in that way and I find it very tough indeed.

Ignore those saying it's not a male/female thing.

Boys are socialised into hiding their feelings.

To say all women want to talk about our feelings all the time is plainly wrong. But to acknowledge that men are trained to supress their feelings from a veryy young age, and women are encourages to express ours is acknowledging the effects of the patriarcy IMO - it's whollly feminist not anti-feminist!

Lacking empathy with others isn't just an ASD trait. DP lacks empathy in a very different way. He's kind, loving and generous. He's incredibly social, gregarious, the life and soul of the party.

BUT - he finds it hard to tune into what other people think or feel about things. Our children baffle him. He doesn't know how to relate to their feelings. He doesn't know how to relate to mine.

You don't have to be emotionally needy to have a strong desire to connect with the person you love.

I have no idea what the solution is. Currently we're not having sex, as for him sex is just fun and a physical release. I've tried, but without the emotional connection it's just fucking to me and I can't do it any more. He doesn't pressure me - he's a lovely guy, as I said. He'd do anything I asked in bed, if I asked him. But I don't have a kink as such. I want him to understand me and connect with me and I can't just ask for that can I?

It sucks.