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Original poster

Not meeting someone and therefore remaining childless

55 replies

readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:00

I suppose I am posting hoping for some advice and support.

I have toyed with adoption and sperm donation but I dont think either are quite right for me and so it is very likely I will not have children.

I would welcome ideas and suggestions for how to make my life meaningful without my own family. It might just be the stage I am at but most of my friends have young children so a lot seems focused on families right now.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/09/2017 21:15

How old are you?

I think you need to fill your life with other interests and enjoy yourself. Do you date? Maybe try online dating too.

Don't make having children the only important thing in your life

ShotsFired · 07/09/2017 21:22

Just an observation but your post reads quite ambivalent about it, as if it's all a "I 'should'...", not anywhere is there an "I want..." in the way that some women just know (apparently Wink)

Do you actually have the heartfelt yearning? Or just assuming you want kids because you feel like you should?

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:24

Nearly 37. I don't date Smile

I always wanted children and to be a Mum but I need to get through that and to a point of acceptance.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/09/2017 21:29

36 or 37 is still young enough to biologically have a child. I'm having to guess quite a lot; assuming you don't want or have a relationship then the only options would be sperm donor or adoption? Have you thoroughly researched and do you know that is definitely not what you want?

Do your friends have children? You could be the cool aunt figure. That's always fun

JK1773 · 07/09/2017 21:33

I'm in the same boat OP. I always wanted a family but I'm 42 now. I was robbed of my childbearing years by an ex who I stupidly stayed with thinking it would happen one day but he wasn't interested. I am dating, been about 10 months but no way we are ready to try for a child. I toy with the idea of looking into adoption but I feel I'm too old. Also how do you start the single adoption process when you're in a relationship that has the potential to get serious?? It's a dilemma and I think about all the positives of having no ties but inside it makes me incredibly sad. Are you sure you're ready to give up? I'm undecided and I've got 5 years on you x

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:37

I definitely don't feel having a child alone is right for me. jk I can sympathise with that, really difficult situation.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 07/09/2017 21:39

It's heartbreaking. I wouldn't chose to be a single parent either. What do you do? I fear it's too late for me anyway. Do you think you can come to terms with it?

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2017 21:42

If you're not dating or in a relationship (are you?!) And you do want to be with a partner if you have kids but you don't want a sperm donor or adoption.

This is starting to sound like one of those logic puzzles now; sorry OP Confused

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:44

I don't understand why you are trying to cause trouble and distress to childless women Shox

It is pretty clear I am asking advice on acceptance and how you move past wanting babies.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 07/09/2017 21:45

Shox how terribly unkind

WishingCarrot · 07/09/2017 21:47

Is there a reason you don't date OP?

OlderGolder · 07/09/2017 21:47

Blimey shoxfordian your empathy needs a top up there.

Do you think that not having a partner negates any urge to have a child Confused

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:47

Take no notice. Some people are just unpleasant and It isn't a reflection on us.

Do you ever think you might be in a position to have children with your new partner, JK?

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/09/2017 21:48

A friend who has chosen to not have children enjoys only working a few days a week (low living expenses without kids, and she had the time and energy to train in a career where she can do this) and a lot of travel. She also enjoys being more flexible, eg she is thinking of moving to a new area and could do this easily not having to worry about schools etc. She is really happy with her life, she considered having kids but prefers the life she has without them.

Another friend who probably won't have children naturally (due to not meeting anyone until quite late and current partner being ambivalent) has thrown herself into sports and hobbies, however she did say once that she feels her life is meaningless without a child, which is really sad. I'm worried that she will regret not pursuing having a child more as she feels so strongly.

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:50

I just don't ever get any interest wishing, online or otherwise. It isn't a choice on my part other than recognising that it's something that doesn't work for me. I think possibly some bad experiences in my teens made me quite spiky and defensive and although I softened eventually it was too late and the good guys were married!

OP posts:
Trills · 07/09/2017 21:50

I don't have children.

I don't feel that my life is less "meaningful" than it should be.

I think the idea that children give your life "meaning" is an odd one.

Maybe they just keep you busy enough that you have no time to contemplate "does my life have meaning?" :)

Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:50

Thanks, Hopelessly :)

OP posts:
Original poster
readingintherain · 07/09/2017 21:51

Very possibly trills!

OP posts:
JK1773 · 07/09/2017 21:53

I really don't know reading. He has 2 already. We've spoken about it in a flippant way. I asked him ages ago if he'd ever have more kids and he said he hasn't ruled it out but we're not ready. I'm not sure enough about the relationship yet. I half feel like going for adoption as a single person and if he sticks around he does. But then am I throwing away the chance of a child on my own, but the clock is ticking. And I do like my life too. I go round in circles with it. Is it the thought of being a single parent that puts you off adoption etc?

junglebookisthebest · 07/09/2017 21:54

I know exactly how rubbish it feels - friends getting married and having kids and I just kept ending up with the wrong kind of boyfriends.
I decided to consciously stop dating and get myself in the right headspace. Decided that actually I did want to have a family but without immediate support of a partner I probably didn't want a baby, but also recognised that fostering or adoption of older children is definitely more challenging.
Sorry no answers for you - but completely understand... Be kind to yourself and you will find your own pathway...

SoftKittySillyKitty · 07/09/2017 21:56

I'm in a similar position OP.

Just out of curiosity @trills do you have a partner? The reason I ask is because I think , maybe I would be happy if at least I had a partner. Even if no kids.

JK1773 · 07/09/2017 22:00

Softkitty I think that's very relevant. As I said I'm 10 months into a relationship so I'm happy 'right now'. He has DC I haven't met yet. But if this doesn't work out he's gone and I've wasted so long again on not pursuing donor sperm or adoption. What on earth the answer is I've no idea

JackietheBackie · 07/09/2017 22:01

Although I am now married with children, I was single throughout most of my twenties and spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do if I didn't meet anyone I wanted to share my life with - how could I make it meaningful. So I had some life coaching (was lucky enough to stumble into it for through the place I was working) and it helped me to identify what my core values were, what sort of people I admired and would like to be, and how I could achieve that. It was through that that I decided to go back to uni and retrain for a new career.

I know other women who have found their meaning in hobbies like sailing. Persuits that they have the freedom and finance to throw themselves into.

I think a bit part of it is finding a community or tribe that you can belong to. Something that you love and that you can develop and grow with. Find something you are passionate about and throw yourself into it wholeheartedly.

OlderGolder · 07/09/2017 22:09

Trills there's something in that for sure. I feel like I only started thinking about life and its meaning and my place in the world and so on when my youngest was at school. And even then I feel that I began thinking about psychology and behaviour later than would have benefited me (when dc went to primary school). Funnily enough now they 've gone to secondary school I've become interested in philosophy. If I didn't have children I feel I'd be self-actualised by now! An exaggeration perhaps but I know what you mean, not being able to go to the toilet without two children banging on the door to ask if you're doing a poo or a wee doesn't leave time for grappling with the meaning of life and your place in the universe.

SoffyKittySillyKitty · 07/09/2017 22:11

JK1773 I empathise with all that you have said on this thread. Until very recently I was seeing someone I considered to be my "last hope" to have a family. I'm forty and, realistically, optimism is fading.

Just to be clear to trills though, I absolutely wasn't being snippy in any way in case it came across wrong. I really hope not. I suppose I'm looking for an example of someone who is genuinely happy with their single and childless life - because that would be a real positive frame of mind for me TBH.