Boyfriend moving across the world due to bereavement - breaking up

[Zebrapp]

Im 33 and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We live together, been planning a future together, been trying for a baby for 2 years and about to start IVF process next week. He is from New Zealand originally, been in UK 7 years. In June his dad passed away, who he was very close to. Now he's saying that he still loves me hugely but he needs to live back in NZ with his mum and siblings, and that I can't come too, as will just be homesick like he is and I didn't even choose to live in NZ, so that we need to break up. But that he still loves me so much etc. He's been really upset by this. This conversation first happened 3 weeks ago and he's still not moved his stuff out or booked the flights home. He has left our flat though, staying with friends. I think it's the grief talking and he's not thinking straight. I tried to get him to talk about his dad, but he tends to bottle things up and deal with things by drinking with mates. Before his dad died we went back to visit regularly, at least once or twice a year, and when his dad was diagnosed, we got the money together to fly him out straight away and spend his last 2 months together. I understand why he feels he needs to be with his family and would support him and help him visit lots. I don't feel we need to break up when we love each other and wanted to be together forever, because of this. But am I being selfish? Or foolish? Maybe this relationship wasn't as strong as I thought it was? I'm desperate for him to change his mind, but am I kidding myself? Should I just wave him off. I'm heartbroken and have no idea how to cope or what to do.

Oh dear. This is very sad. If he was offering a new life together in NZ, would you go?

If he feels like he needs to go then I think you should 'let' him. It really sucks for you though
Personally I wouldn't try the long distance thing if you want children. Try and move on.

That's very sad. There seems to be something about men losing their fathers though and having a kind of crisis. It happened to a friend and they seemed so in love and were buying a house but after his Dad died he just "went off" her. Sorry this has happened to you.

I think you need to let him go at this stage.

If you really want to stay together, why don't you make arrangements to visit him over there in a few months time? Tell him you understand his need for space right now, but that you want to have a chance to reconnect and see what happens? It sounds like he at least owes you that.

Moving together to NZ is something we could have discussed. Was on the table for next year, with his visa here needing renewing at that time and (hopefully) with child, so for where to settle. But it's not something that can be sensibly discussed and thought about with all this emotional turmoil? And it's not like he's even given me the option. I wish he had talked to me more, instead of talking to friends and family about his feelings and just letting me know his decision. If he does go back I don't think I could stay in contact with him, would hurt so much and I'd spend forever hoping he'll come back and change his mind. But it's hard letting go, when I love him so much, and really think he's making a mistake, acting on grief. I can't afford to stay where we're living, so would have to move on in that sense too by moving. Oh, and to make this even more difficult, we work together, so still have to see him every day. At first I kept crying and sobbing to him after work, but now it's me saying to not talk or text, that I need to be strong enough to get used to that, and he needs space enough to try think clearly without me there. No idea if doing the right thing, but got to try. He had a breakdown at work the other day, which lastest couple of days. He just couldn't stop crying at everything and anything, even the phone ringing. So he asked to stay back at our flat, which of course I let him, and I spoke to our bosses at work to get him time off and booked him a doctor's appointment. I want to help him, but hard when not technically together. I'd just gotten strong enough to not be crying constantly, but having him back there has knocked me back and I'm in a state, can't stop crying, now that we're apart again

This is so sad. Grief can make you act in weird ways but I have to say if he's this certain the relationship is over I think he was already having doubts or unhappy before. I lost a parent and it didn't affect my desire to be with my partner at the time, however much pain I was in.

I think you need to respect his wishes to go alone, end the relationship and focus on moving on. You deserve someone who's sure about you. And you want kids so you need to focus on meeting someone and staying afresh if you would still want kids with someone else.

A relationship ending doesn't have to be a mutual decision, if one person says it's over then it's over. And he's made it clear he's done. I'm sorry.

That's it, I wish he would just be clear with me. Just say he wants to break up and that's it. Instead, he keeps saying he isn't sure he's doing the right thing, he's stuck about what to do, that he still loves me and there's nothing about our relationship he wants to change, it's just that circumstances have changed now. So it doesn't feel to me that he does want to break up, he just thinks being home would help handle his grief? I wish he would say he didn't love me and was certain about what he was doing. Cruel to be kind. Would be easier

I think he wants to end the relationship but is devastated that he is hurting you. There is no reason why you both can't go to NZ together if that is really what you want to do. If you really can't see yourself leaving your family and life in the UK tell him. A lot of emigrants suffer very badly from homesickness and spend their lives wishing they had never left their home country.

I know he is upset about his dad but he still needs to prioritise you. Grief can be complex. It is good of you to let him back into the flat but don"t put his needs above yours.

It's time to demand honesty from him.

"ow he's saying that he still loves me hugely but he needs to live back in NZ with his mum and siblings, and that I can't come too, as will just be homesick like he is and I didn't even choose to live in NZ, so that we need to break up."

He has said you're breaking up. All the other stuff about loving you is just what people say when they're breaking up to soften the blow cos it's so hard to tell someone you care so much for that it's over. He probably does love and care for you but that's not enough for a relationship, you also have to want to be together. And right now he clearly feels it's not working.

Sucks so much breaking up when you still feel in love, I've been there. But he doesn't want to be together and isn't holding into you or fighting for the relationship which tells you all you need to know. I do think in the long run you'll be happier splitting and living your live than trying to hang onto something with a guy across the world who's grieving and making you feel unwanted and insecure. A clean break will hurt but be the best in the long run!

He really doesn't sound in a place where he can make decisions right now. Presumably there were good reasons why he left NZ for so long? Was the planned move back set to be permanent or more of a visit?

Would he agree to go to a joint counselling session so you can both get a bit of perspective? In your shoes id be inclined to ask him to go on a long visit while you wait for him and make a decision after that length of time. If you both love one another so much it would, for me, be worth the risk.

Good luck, what an awful position you are in.

Sadly I agree with Kity. I once had to end a relationship with someone I loved for 8 years. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. Everyone thinks the person who ends the relationship is OK but believe me hurting someone you have loved is agony.

He basically moved from NZ for me. He had been on a 2 year visa here, and we worked together, but it was only a few months before his visa run out that we started. Was supposed to be casual, but missed each other when he went back and stayed in touch. He spent 9 months back in NZ, but wanted to go back to the UK, and seeing what would happen with me was part of the. So got a 5 year visa that runs out early next year (he could then get a permanent visa). I had suggested getting counselling for him after his dad died but he dismissed it. I think you're all right, if he says it's over, it's over. My feelings don't come into it anymore. I'm fighting to do all I can to keep us together, but he has to want it to. And him moving across the world away from me is a pretty big clue! It's just hard not to cling onto hope. There's so much to do as well, can't just move on. He has to clear his stuff from the flat, I have to move out and find somewhere else to live. Plus still working together until he goes. The day he actually gets on the flight will kill. God, plus having to deal with the work gossip. There's a lot to do just to break up. Plus trying to swallow down my fear of being alone and childless forever! He's my best friend too, it's scary to think may not feel that way again with someone. I know that's prob just panicking, but it's hard not to panic!

There is alot going on here at once, loss of parent, possible loss of child via IVF, loss of employment, loss of relationship and move to NZ. I am a firm believer in a clean break. You will both need to take time to adjust. You could move to NZ, but he is correct that it is a huge move physically and emotionally and he has not invited you

It's really tough there is no doubt about it. It is almost inevitable that you will move on and meet someone else but that must be cold comfort to you now. Hopefully you have some friends and family to lean on. They will be your support until you start to feel a bit better.

I do think he is being a bit unkind to you with his displays of grief and upset over the split. Tell him to just tell you the truth without any bullshit. You are worrying a lot about him but he is focussing on himself.

I think you shold tell him to move out as his behaviour is upsetting you. Focus solely on yourself. Do your own thing. Don't worry about work, it's not an uncommon situation. Most people will just care about you.

I know it's hard but try to be your own support team.You have a lot to look forward to. Cut communication and fake moving on until you make it. Accept that it is painful but start to tell yourself you can do it.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I've told a couple of friends and family but been avoiding telling everyone in the hope he'll change his mind and we can move on from this. But talking to people does help, even just through this. The friends and family I have told think I need to cut Comms with him and that I need to feel angry at him for being selfish. But can't pretend to be angry when I'm not. Would be easier though. I like the fake it til you make it advice though. It's true. I've just got to get on with it. So I better start doing so, whether I want to or not

Can you find somewhere new to live and move out? It must be hard being surrounded by his things and memories of living together in the flat.
And if that's your new reality, might as well crack on and be settled.

Do you think he's kind of waiting for you to say it's over, so his conscience is clearer or summat?

Possibly? I don't know. He's back staying at mates these past couple of days. I've arranged for us to meet up over the weekend. I said to just confirm once and for all what he's doing and to sort practicalities either way. No talking about emotions etc but just getting on with it. That's what I need to do. The flat is rented, and can just afford to pay the bills and food and then no other money. I need to start looking for somewhere back near friends and family in Herts I guess as it's cheaper. But then will have to figure out if can afford the commute into London. I don't know yet. So many practicalities to sort. It sucks

Honestly, grief or not, I think he's behaved appallingly! If you'd been a year from now and married with a baby (or not married, come to that) would he have felt he could walk away so easily? I very much hope it's the grief talking and that you can get back on an even keel. Otherwise it sounds like you had very different views of the relationship. To you it was forever, to him it was disposable. But then that IVF thing and him moving back from NZ to be with you wouldn't make sense... I would give him a set time frame and then after that you need to be prepared to move on alone. He deserves a chance but you can't be messed around forever.

Hes being really mean to you in general, you werent just dating and now are breaking up, you were living together, youve had two years of trying to start a family together. He has decided for whatever reason/s to trash all the plans for the future that you had as a couple and he needs to take responsibility for the hurt that thats done to you, not just how hard it will be for him.

Sadly, I think this is his way of breaking up with you. Stay strong. It sucks.

That's what keeps confusing me - he keeps insisting that his love for me hasn't diminished, that our relationship has just gotten better and better over the years, but he can't be happy here in UK now and needs to go home. He then says I shouldn't think about it as a reflection on our relationship (!) Just that circumstances have changed and his need to be there is even greater than the very strong love he has for me. But then says about being stuck and doesn't know if doing the right thing. And he swears he did mean it when we were making our future plans and trying for a baby. He has a funny understanding of 'forever' though. He was shocked and upset when I said we wouldn't keep in touch at all once he's in NZ. He thought we would stay friends. I would never be able to move on talking to him, hoping he'll change his mind.

Oh hon I'm so sorry I would take this as him breaking up with you could he have met anyone back in NZ when e was back there start looking after you x

Yeah, I need to accept it. It's been 3 weeks like this. If he had had a change of heart it would have happened. We're meeting tomo so will just discuss practicalities. I need to start figuring out how I'm going to move on in my life somehow. Thank you all for your help

I think the fact he hasn't asked you to move back with him is very telling. Moving home is natural in the circumstances and I can understand his need to go, but if he were committed to your relationship, he´d be asking you to go with him. Are you sure he isn´t not asking you because he thinks you don´t want to go? And would you go if he asked?

If he wants to go, then he has to go. It will hurt like crazy, but you will get over it and move on. I wouldn´t recommend trying to continue the relationship at that distance. I´ve tried it a few times myself and it doesn´t work for more than a short space of time. You end up living a half-life where you are and broke from the flight costs.

If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would. All the stuff he's saying is lip service.
Tell him to move his stuff out and wish him luck.