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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend moving across the world due to bereavement - breaking up

46 replies

Zebrapp · 07/09/2017 11:27

Im 33 and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We live together, been planning a future together, been trying for a baby for 2 years and about to start IVF process next week. He is from New Zealand originally, been in UK 7 years. In June his dad passed away, who he was very close to. Now he's saying that he still loves me hugely but he needs to live back in NZ with his mum and siblings, and that I can't come too, as will just be homesick like he is and I didn't even choose to live in NZ, so that we need to break up. But that he still loves me so much etc. He's been really upset by this. This conversation first happened 3 weeks ago and he's still not moved his stuff out or booked the flights home. He has left our flat though, staying with friends. I think it's the grief talking and he's not thinking straight. I tried to get him to talk about his dad, but he tends to bottle things up and deal with things by drinking with mates. Before his dad died we went back to visit regularly, at least once or twice a year, and when his dad was diagnosed, we got the money together to fly him out straight away and spend his last 2 months together. I understand why he feels he needs to be with his family and would support him and help him visit lots. I don't feel we need to break up when we love each other and wanted to be together forever, because of this. But am I being selfish? Or foolish? Maybe this relationship wasn't as strong as I thought it was? I'm desperate for him to change his mind, but am I kidding myself? Should I just wave him off. I'm heartbroken and have no idea how to cope or what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zebrapp · 07/09/2017 17:32

He said begging me to come back with him was his first thought but the more he thought about it the more he thought it wouldn't work - that I'd just end up being homesick and ending it (I'm close to my family) and he knows how hard he's finding it so doesn't want to put me through that. Would have been nice to get a say in it instead of him deciding, but it is what it is I guess

OP posts:

Original poster

Zebrapp · 07/09/2017 17:36

Ok, I just need to stop kidding myself and get on with this whole breaking up.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 07/09/2017 17:41

That is a really weak excuse not to ask you, zebra.

LucieLucie · 07/09/2017 17:42

He has absolutely no right to make your decision for you. If you love each other you make the effort to try anything.

It sounds to me like his head's been turned when he was back on NZ for 2 months.

He's already mentally separated from you, grief or not I think he's been really unfair in taking your choice away from you.

Original poster

Zebrapp · 07/09/2017 18:05

That's it. If he's no longer wants to be with me he doesn't. I just need to accept it somehow. I have moments of feeling strong and then other times when I fall apart.

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BaconAndBees · 07/09/2017 18:16

He sounds very out of touch with his feelings and quite a mess. I would cut communication and leave him to sort himself out. Hopefully he will get counselling in New Zealand.

I think you have to assume he means it and get on with living life. You've got the best part of a decade to start having babies yet, so try not to worry

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 07/09/2017 18:21

Would you go with him???
Tbh it seems to me that he wants you to say you're coming with him.
However the moving out thing doesn't add up 😐
If you would move over I would let him know.
But apart from that he needs to tell you clear this is over none of this half hearted shit.
He's moved out do that's a pretty big sign.

Greycat11 · 07/09/2017 18:26

I think you have to grit your teeth and hard though it is, force yourself to learn to accept it. We've all been there trying to justify someone's drastic change in feelings, are they having an early mid life crisis etc etc. Well I certainly have. And when it's happened I stopped myself from moving on with the healing process as I clung on to hope they would change their mind. They didn't and I reckon most of the time they don't. Sorry you're going through this.
It doesn't sound to me that it's his grief talking, he seems to want a fresh start.

OliviaBenson · 07/09/2017 18:47

Actually, I think you would be justified at getting angry at him. You were about to start ivf. Grief is horrible but this does not excuse his behaviour.

If he doesn't want to be with you, he needs to own it.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 07/09/2017 20:01

Jeez, heartless feckers aren't we?
He's lost his dad while on the other side of the planet. Why can't he sort himself out and just do what his GF wants? Selfish bastard.

teaandtoast · 07/09/2017 20:21

Try RTFT, Scruffy.

aurynne · 08/09/2017 00:38

Listen to what he is telling you: "I am going back home, I don't want you to come with me". He has been crystal clear.

The rest is just him feeling guilty and trying to soften the blow.

Let him go. If he loves you, he'll come back.

But don't stop you life waiting for that.

Original poster

Zebrapp · 08/09/2017 00:51

Thank you all. You're right, I'm clinging onto hope and i have to respect his decision. If he doesn't want me then that's that, what I think is irrelevant. But just talking on this thread has helped so much, helped clear the fog in my mind, so thank you.

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LadyLovelace · 08/09/2017 10:15

Hi Zebrapp. Are you seeing him today? Just wanted to wish you luck.
I think you should call him out on things. Tell him this altruistic concept of not wanting you to come as he doesn't want you to be homesick is BS. Tell him you can see he clearly wants to end the relationship therefore he just needs to own his decision and be straight with you. If he loved you and was commited to your relationship he'd be asking you to come with him. I'm sorry. You need to ask him to collect his stuff and tell him you're looking for somewhere else to live and need to move on. It's hugely unfair of him to be giving you this 'I love you but we can't be together crap.'

Grief often makes people sit up and consider their own mortality and what they want from life. I know 2 women whose marriages broke up (instigated by their DHs) following the death of their FILs so I think there's something about a man's psyche that alters following the death of his father. He has obviously decided for whatever reason that he doesn't see a future with the two of you together. But he needs to be an adult and be honest and let you move on. Good luck.

Original poster

Zebrapp · 08/09/2017 10:23

Thank you for that. It was needed. Just got a text from an old colleague of mine, saying that she's been invited to take over his job so is coming into the office today, and was asking me what's going on between me and him. Was a bit of a punch to the gut that I didn't need at work today! Yep, seeing him after work today to talk. This morning was hard but reading through this thread is helping. I've got to be strong and will cope.

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MyOtherProfile · 08/09/2017 10:28

Would you want to go with him if that was an option? Sorry if you've already answered that. Couldn't find it if you did.

Original poster

Zebrapp · 08/09/2017 10:59

I don't know. It's something that I'd assumed we'd discuss next year when he was due to renew his UK visa add hopefully with child. So deciding where best to set up home together, deciding as a couple, you know? Now, where I'm finding it hard to think clearly through anything, feel like I'm wading through fog, with him just saying he's doing this no matter what - and then me possibly maybe getting to tag along, doesn't sound like a strong base to start a new life the other side of the world. Thing is I've really liked it there whenever we've visited.

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expatinscotland · 08/09/2017 11:32

He's checked out of the relationship, mentally broken up, but he can't bring himself to do it properly, for whatever reason. He's even left his job. He's gone. I think if you're meeting up to talk I'd try to gird my loins and tell him he's right, it's over.

Moving over there I'd not want to do with someone I wasn't married to and especially with this kind of foundation.

I'm someone who WANTED to move across the world, of my own accord and then happened to meet DH here, but I'm not going to lie, it's been quite hard at times and now my folks are getting older, it's hard. It was quite emotionally painful to have children here at times. And this is something I really wanted and wouldn't change for the world. I can't imagine it working if it wasn't really 100% what I wanted.

endofthelinefinally · 08/09/2017 11:50

I don't know if this will be of any help, but when my eldest son died suddenly last year, my younger son was absolutely distraught and for several days he didn't even speak.
He left his job and went to Australia. He hated it and eventually came back home for a few weeks. Even then he couldn't bear to be in our house, instead spending the time with friends.
He confided in a friend that he could hardly remember anything about the past year, just that he had been in a fog of grief.
He has gone travelling again, but I think he is only just beginning to function rationally again.
I think grief can actually cause something akin to a mental break down.
Things may change.
I can't advise you what to do - just wanted to share my experience.

BaconAndBees · 09/09/2017 11:35

EndOfTheLine

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 09/09/2017 12:50

Hope the talk went well and you can move on with or without him. X

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