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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me figure this guy out

29 replies

Confused009 · 06/09/2017 23:28

So I this guy messaged me on POF we met up soon after and have been on 8 dates so far. I just get the wrong vibes and my gut feeling is that he is multi-dating getting other offers sporadically. I just need help to understand if I should just move on.

First two dates were fine but third date we went on a movie date and he seemed distant and cold. Fourth date we went cocktail drinking and we kissed but no sex. Fifth date I visited his house and we ended up fooling around but no sex. Sixth date I cooked him dinner, we had sex but he refused to stay over. It was a Friday night and he pretty much ignored me all weekend which was the lovely bank holiday weekend with great weather and I just felt like we could have spent time together. In fact since we've had sex I've felt things have been different he used to text me everyday a friendly message but that's no longer happening. Then he promised to take me out on a park date but cancelled on me that same day! He claimed he'd had diarrhoea! He then took me to the cinema but the date ended abruptly and felt awkward.

Basically on paper he is great but there has been certain things he has said like eluding to the fact that he is multiple dating but claiming he felt we are exclusive. When out at the cinema he told me he was invited to a work party and mentioned possibility of a plus one. I've just texted him to see what he is up to for the weekend and he reminded me about the party but didn't invite me then he said he has to go home to visit his sick uncle. I basically said I really hope everything works out for him and left it at that.

I feel he is multidating and that's why he never seems to be fully available at the weekend. He promises things but doesn't deliver for instance he claimed he was going to book a spa weekend for us but that has not materialised. He also seems to be a little tight about money too.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 23:31

Sounds like he was just after sex. Sorry to be blunt but some guys are jerks like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 23:31

Please trust your instincts. This is not the man for you. Stop wasting your time and end it.

Original poster

Confused009 · 06/09/2017 23:32

I know that's my gut feeling

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused009 · 06/09/2017 23:33

His last message was "hope to catch up soon xx"

I guess that means don't contact me I'll NOT contact you right?

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 06/09/2017 23:34

Good lord, OP. This is hardly the romance of the century!

He's seeing other people, hedging his bets.

Lack of chemistry, lack of fun, lack of trust, lack of clarity, lack of simplicity.

He is a dud.

What you have done is pefect - 'hope it works out for you' is the perfect final text.

Now for heave's sake block and delete and move on.... next!

Nellyphants · 06/09/2017 23:35

After 6 dates don't waste your energy on trying to figure anybody out. Sick uncle.....yeah right

highinthesky · 06/09/2017 23:35

So draw a line under it and move on. You live and learn.

Although I have to say I believe in making them wait (largely because I prefer not to be messed with).

HipsterAssassin · 06/09/2017 23:35

Who cares what he means.

What you do now is block and delete. He deserves zero of your headspace

Original poster

Confused009 · 06/09/2017 23:38

Why do guys do this to women just tell them you are not interested

OP posts:

scoobydoo1971 · 06/09/2017 23:38

He wanted sex. He got sex. Men who want you will climb over hot coals to achieve their goal. Don't feel defeated. You had a nice time together but you are reading into your contact as if this is a relationship. In reality it is a couple of dates, of which some have been on the cool side. If the chemistry is not there early on, you need to move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and not just on POF. Internet dating is a sweet shop for some people - they meet someone sweet but they want someone sweeter too...and they can get it the lazy way with a few clicks of a button. Delete his number from your phone to prevent drunken texts that are ego-massaging for him.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/09/2017 23:41

He's just not that into you. He likes you enough to keep you hopeful in case he needs sex some company and he's let down by someone else but not enough to show you even basic manners. Please raise your expectations. When a man wants you you have no doubt at all.

blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 23:44

you can always give out his number to any guys with a pervert pickup lines if they ask for your number Haha, jk)

Original poster

Confused009 · 06/09/2017 23:46

Honestly he kept saying things like I'm looking for a long term relationship why would he do that

I called him out on his behaviour and he apologised saying he was sorry I felt that way! I f he didn't want me why didn't he just say then or just ignore me

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 06/09/2017 23:50

Because men lie to get sex. He won't tell you he is not interested because you know, you gotta keep those doors open

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 06/09/2017 23:55

Well maybe he is looking for a long term relationship... Not necessarily with you though unfortunately. Unless you had an unambiguous discussion saying you born wanted to be exclusive I don't think he's done anything wrong really.

Why would you want to be with someone who's not that into you anyway?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2017 23:58

Remember that no one owes you anything, and it's fine not to be exclusive after just a handful of dates.
This one doesn't sound like he's worth any more effort, though, so bin and move on.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 07/09/2017 00:02

Listen to ScoobyDoo. Cool dates = he's not bothered.

YOU be bothered, BE WORTH MOE THAN THAN A DICK FOR BRAINS GUY.

You have a right to be bothered - don't put it on him, he's worth jack shit. Put worth on YOU.

Original poster

Confused009 · 07/09/2017 00:10

I really don't think he owes me anything at all I'm not some sill teenager in love... I just don't understand why he still leaves things open like "hope to catch up soon xx" why say that just be honest and say not sure things are going well maybe leave it

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 07/09/2017 00:12

If you are unsure, the best you can do is leave it be, don't say anything, and see what he does. Just don't wait forever for him though

Original poster

Confused009 · 07/09/2017 00:12

I thinkcool dates is not quite right we have been all over each other, holding hands on the street, kissing it's just that movie date but that was before we had it out with each other and he said he really wanted to kiss me and so on... it's more his unavailability I'm worried about likevi would have thought at this stage you spend all weekend together that sort of thing plus not inviting me to his work party

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/09/2017 00:14

He leaves things open in case he wants to get laid on the future. If you are ok with very casual with no promises whatsoever then I guess that's ok for you. Personally I wouldn't put up with it for a second.

It's a you will do till something better comes along keeping options open scenario.

Original poster

Confused009 · 07/09/2017 00:15

Well I've decided to let him contact me if he can be bothered I guess I have some important work related assessments coming up and I really need to focus on this! Honestly I think he is a distraction!
I need to just get back to the books pass my exam and then I'll be free to be out on the prowl! If I didn't have to study I would honestly not be on here thinking about him I would just move on...

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Original poster

Confused009 · 07/09/2017 00:18

Was my message "hope everything works out" too final?

OP posts:

WhollyFather · 07/09/2017 00:18

blueberry ...'Because men lie to get sex. '

Some men.

OP, welcome to the back burner. I doubt you are alone there, there you won't know.

RubyBluesey · 07/09/2017 00:27

sick uncle....

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