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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much drink is too much?

51 replies

GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 10:53

I dont drink so I'm not sure what's normal and what's not.

Ive been dating a man for a few months now and when we see each other, he seems to drink quite a lot but never seems drunk.

Last night, we out for dinner and he had two spanish lagers. When we got home, between 10 pm and 1.00 am he had a bottle of white wine 11%, 2 bottles of Peroni and a gin and tonic.

This seems an awful lot to me and I'm wondering if he has high tollerence. He can still perform so I'm not sure if he has a problem.

I know he gets drunk occassionally as he's rung me a couple of times and made no sense at all.

He has a responsible job and he's a parent to a teenager.

Please reassure me that he doesnt have a drink problem.

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 06/09/2017 10:58

That is too much, certainly for drinking at home alone. If it happened once a year I'd maybe write it off but I couldn't be around such heavy drinking all the time in my private life.

Work out the units he had and that will tell you!

corythatwas · 06/09/2017 10:59

it is too much if:

you are physiologically or emotionally dependent on it

it is financially damaging you or your family

it makes you indulge in risky behaviour

it makes you unable to fulfil your duties as an employee, parent or partner

it is a long term (or short term) risk to your health

it makes people around you uncomfortable (particularly important if you have children)

ChicRock · 06/09/2017 11:02

That's a lot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2017 11:03

I cannot do that re reassure you that he does not have a drink problem.

Secondhand Drinking (SHD) is a term to describe the impacts on a person who is on the receiving end of a person’s drinking behaviours.
Its a problem anyway because its affecting your relationship with him. He has phoned you whilst drunk and you have noticed the increased frequency and consumption of his drinking. He may well be a functioning alcoholic who can for now hold down things but that hold is tenuous to say the very least. His relationship with alcohol is not a healthy one; its controlling him.

I would end this now and tell him that this is no longer working for you. Am sorry if this is not what you want to read because you like him etc but this is your life going forward with him if you were to continue seeing him. Such men do not change.

Motherwhomanages · 06/09/2017 11:04

Wow that's tons

My DH and I enjoy a meal and nights when we'd both be wasted this is max he's drink

half bottle of wine
2 or 3 single jack daniels and Coke

Or 3 glasses of large wine

He's 6'4 and we go out 830-130am

Wow that is so much! Why did he need 6 drinks between 10-1 ?

OutToGetYou · 06/09/2017 11:07

It sounds a lot to me, especially for a week night, though you were up til 1am so maybe he didn't have anything on today?

I don't think most adults with responsibilities get drunk much, I might do once a year (no kids here)? And tipsy a couple of times. If I go out for dinner I might have a G&T and two to three glasses of wine at most.
Most parents I know reduced their drinking a lot once they had kids.

The bigger question is around how Often he does this and in what circumstances?

Northernpowerhouse · 06/09/2017 11:09

I like a drink OP and I really think that's a lot in one evening.

Original poster

GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 11:13

Oh dear. That's what I suspected.

He's a big man (5'11" / 16 stone) so I thought it may be ok. I dont know why he needed to drink so much.

What a shame. He's really nice apart from that. Any suggestions as to how I can end it nicely or should I be honest with him and face a potentially uncomfortable conversation?

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 06/09/2017 11:31

I don't think that sounds like a big deal. It's a lot to drink quite late in the evening (just based on my own tastes), but in the course of the ocassional evening, I don't think that's too much assuming he's not driving and it doesn't affect his personality. I would say that is the equivalent to 2 bottles of wine. There have certainly been days when my husband has had 2 bottles of wine or a bottle of wine and a few beers in the course of an evening (when no driving was involved). If he's drinking that much every single night, yes, then I would say that's a lot. But I suspect he was probably just nervous as you are still getting to know each other and certainly among my friends that wouldn't be an outlandish amount to drink in say a 7 hour period. Again, as long as it wasn't every day. I have definitely had that much over an evening between cooking dinner, pre-dinner drinks, dinner, and after dinner cocktail, etc. But certainly not every day and probably not every weekend either and never when I hoped to get up and work the next morning. I would be tipsy (and wouldn't drive obviously), but I wouldn't be falling down drunk either.

More the problem seems to be that your drinking isn't in sync and people who drink tend to want to be around other people who drink and vice versa. If you don't, you might find it annoying after awhile. He may also be frustrated if he can sense your disapproval. People like to drink. It's enjoyable and relaxing and social. But if you don't like doing the same things, it might just not be a good match, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I think that's fine too and it may be there is someone out there you might be more comfortable with.

AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 11:33

I wouldn't be with a man who drinks like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2017 11:35

greyowls

re your comment:-

"What a shame. He's really nice apart from that. Any suggestions as to how I can end it nicely or should I be honest with him and face a potentially uncomfortable conversation?"

I would just tell him that this is no longer working out for you but would like to wish him all the best for the future.

BR62Y · 06/09/2017 11:53

Some people can tolerate alcohol more than others. To be honest though I hate it when my partner get all amorous when home from a night out, stinking of booze and I haven't been drinking.

cueless · 06/09/2017 12:00

I reckon he drank in one evening the weekly limit recommended!

This is taken from the NHS website:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/alcohol-units.aspx

The number of units in a drink is based on the size of the drink, as well as its alcohol strength.
For example, a pint of strong lager contains 3 units of alcohol, whereas the same volume oflow-strengthlager has just over 2 units.
Knowing your units will help you stay in control of your drinking.
To keep health risks from alcohol to a low level if you drink most weeks:
men and women are advised not to drink more than 14 units a week on a regular basis
spread your drinking over three or more daysif you regularlydrink as much as 14 units a week
if you wantto cut down,try to haveseveral drink-free days each week
Fourteen units is equivalent to six pints of average-strength beer or 10 small glasses of low-strength wine.

HelloBigWorld · 06/09/2017 12:05

Bloody hell. ONE night he had a good time and put back a fair bit of alcohol and because people on Mumsnet have told you that's a lot, and to be fair it is, you end things with him?

A very extreme reaction in my opinion. But do it because that poor bloke should be with someone who has more about them than to end a relationship based on one nights drinking.

Changedname3456 · 06/09/2017 12:06

I'm a guy (just under 6ft, around the same sort of weight as your partner) and whilst I have friends who could put away what he's drinking and just about function, I'm certainly not one of them - it would floor me!

If he's nice in other ways, is it not worth at least having a conversation with him about it? It's possible that it's become a bit habitual for him and not necessarily something he "needs" to be doing. If he has mainly male friends they're unlikely to intervene, but if you tell him you're uncomfortable with the volume he may listen and change. Don't just leave him and not tell him WHY you're doing so.

That amount of booze will be part of the reason he's 16 stone. Cutting down would have a massive impact on his general health (and his liver would probably breathe a sigh of relief!)

SheRasBra · 06/09/2017 12:10

I think it's a lot but particularly given that you weren't drinking. If you were the one opening another bottle then I could see you both perhaps drinking more than you might normally, but if you're not drinking at all I would expect that to reduce the amount he had.

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2017 12:17

I don't think I'd break up with him over this

My dp and I can certainly put more than that away on a night out. We both like a drink though so maybe it's that you don't drink that makes you incompatible

cueless · 06/09/2017 12:24

I'd certainly break up over this. Why need a drink to have a good time? In this case it is not even one!
So then that would excuse certain inexcusable behaviour.
And also he is likely to gain loads of weight which could send him in a downwards spiral of physical and mental health problems.
I'd find someone who is happy to be alive without having to be shit faced. I am not teetotal if you want to ask.

MsRight · 06/09/2017 12:31

I think on a big night out a few times a year that's fine but if that is a regular Tuesday evening (did he have work the next morning?) that is a lot.

NC4now · 06/09/2017 12:33

Yeah, that's a good old skinful and I don't shy away from a few drinks.

Original poster

GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 12:41

Interesting mix of comments.

Its not the first time he's done this hellobigworld it's just that the amount has increased gradually. It used to be just a bottle of wine or two beers.

Yes, he went to work this morning and drove.

We live miles apart (LDR) so i only see him once a week normally.

I think I'll talk to him about it next time i see him and see what he says.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 12:44

Changedname3456 he's not fat, he's super-lean and buff (works out five days a week and has a very healthy diet).

OP posts:

corythatwas · 06/09/2017 12:48

to sum up:

you are not obliged to enter a relationship with anyone just because you can't prove that they are wrong for sure

you do have a right to feel comfortable and at ease in a relationship

if you suspect that you will not feel comfortable and at ease in a prospective relationship then this is the time to think about it

moutonfou · 06/09/2017 12:50

It sounds like a lot. Even if he doesn't appear drunk, it will be harming his health.

Changedname3456 · 06/09/2017 15:36

He's 5'11" and 16 stone and yet he's "super lean and buff"?

He should be playing professional rugby if he's got that sort of muscle mass at under 6ft. Or be a pro weightlifter. Heavyweight boxers top out at under 15 stone.

Anyway, it's still not a good idea to be consuming that much alcohol (or that many empty calories). You sound like you want to make it work, so talk to him. It's worth trying.

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