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Original poster

How much drink is too much?

51 replies

GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 10:53

I dont drink so I'm not sure what's normal and what's not.

Ive been dating a man for a few months now and when we see each other, he seems to drink quite a lot but never seems drunk.

Last night, we out for dinner and he had two spanish lagers. When we got home, between 10 pm and 1.00 am he had a bottle of white wine 11%, 2 bottles of Peroni and a gin and tonic.

This seems an awful lot to me and I'm wondering if he has high tollerence. He can still perform so I'm not sure if he has a problem.

I know he gets drunk occassionally as he's rung me a couple of times and made no sense at all.

He has a responsible job and he's a parent to a teenager.

Please reassure me that he doesnt have a drink problem.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 06/09/2017 15:43

So he's a drink-driver too.

Dump him.

Adora10 · 06/09/2017 17:39

Too much, you wouldn't be posting otherwise.

Having said that I know loads of folk that drink like that every single night, hold down a high flying job and function perfectly well in all other aspects of their lives; god knows how though.

You are right to be concerned, I'd talk to him about it as this may be his lifestyle and you may not want involved in that much alcohol.

userxx · 06/09/2017 17:47

Does he drink like this at home when you are not seeing him? I like a drink, but that is a lot of alcohol in one go!!

AhYerWill · 06/09/2017 18:00

It's quite a lot to drink (more than most people can tolerate on a work night). If it was a one-off 'big night out' I'd not worry too much as most people can tolerate that much once in a while without being an alcoholic/damaging their health.

If he drinks that much every night then yes, massive red flag, and definitely not compatible with a tee-totaller. In the first few months I got together with DH he barely touched a drop in my presence, as he was on best behaviour, even though he does rather like his beer. I'd suspect what you're seeing now may just be the tip of the iceberg...

TrailingWife · 06/09/2017 18:18

Sounds like a functioning alcoholic. The fact that he can drink a lot and not seem drunk is because he has been (most likely) drinking a lot for a long time. He's still drunk and destroying his liver, he's just better at acting sober. It's just an act.

Can you imagine how much he drank the nights he called and couldn't carry on a conversation?

My guess the reason you are seeing him drink more and more is because you guys are getting more comfortable with each other. Best behavior on first dates, then it slides.

My dh has some colleagues like this. They are great at their jobs, but they are drunks. Most have been divorced multiple times before 50.

BTW, I drink, my dh drinks, and I used to work in a bar. This isn't a moral statement about alcohol. Just pointing out what you already know, he's got a problem.

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/09/2017 18:25

Drink really isn't the issue here, it's a very new relationship, the time when it should be all excitement and tummy flips.
You're already unsure and questioning so stop seeing him.
Tell him its not working, wish him all the best and move on.

debbs77 · 06/09/2017 18:31

I recently ended a relationship because of this. It was too much. And was broke at the end of the month

I have to look ahead in relationships as I have young children and it just wasnt something I was prepared to live with. Plus his parents both died young and all i could see was him drinking himself into an early grave

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/09/2017 18:55

That's a huge amount. If it's on the odd occasion then maybe not so bad but if that's most nights then it's too much.

Functional alcoholics don't appear drunk and can hold down serious jobs but they need alcohol every day to get by.

Original poster
GreyOwls · 06/09/2017 19:30

To answer some questions;

Yes, he used to play rugby at a high level.

Yes, he drove the next morning at 11.30.

As far as I can tell he only drinks like this ocassionally. Normally with me, he'll be more restrained (two beers out, two at home or a bottle of wine). He's called me drunk twice, i.e. slurred speech, dropping the phone etc).

I'm going to talk to him to see what he says, if anything. I think how he deals with that will be telling (shame, justification, anger, defensiveness etc.)

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/09/2017 20:30

Google functional alcoholic. There's a wealth of information out there and various 'quizzes' you can do to see if he is one. A bottle of wine to himself a day, day in day out, is too much to be honest.

I left someone who drank at least one bottle of wine a day. He liked to drink after 10pm to kid himself he didn't have a problem. He'd forget stuff we'd talked about the night before, he was groggy on some mornings, sometimes his morning breath had that sickly alcohol smell, he refused to go one night without drinking 'because he wasn't an alcoholic', he always had a glass of red wine by the bed - even after brushing his teeth.

Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 06/09/2017 20:35

Wow. Big drinker.

TrailingWife · 06/09/2017 20:42

First, I seriously doubt you see or know about ALL that he drinks. There are so many red flags, including that you get to see more and more of his drinking the longer you date him.

Second, chances are, after your talk, he will be sneaker about how much he drinks. Not do it in front of you, use mints or gum to cover the breath smell, etc. Remember that he can be drunk and act sober. Look for subtle signs.

Third, there's a good chance that if he stopped drinking altogether, his personality would change because he is using alcohol to function. He would need a new crutch, such as acting like an ass. The only other path would be for him to do real work to get to the root of his problems, but that is difficult and painful, and alcoholics usually only do that after really wrecking their lives.

What do you two have in common anyway? Why, as someone who doesn't drink at all, do you enjoy being with someone who needs to be drunk?

Ttbb · 06/09/2017 20:57

A whole bottle? His liver must be completely dead by now.

Admirablenelson · 06/09/2017 21:48

Astonishing that he would drink that amount when you weren't drinking at all. Even one bottle of wine in an evening is a lot, without all the beers and gin. One to avoid.

Original poster
GreyOwls · 07/09/2017 12:11

Ive just worked out that in the space of 5 hours, he had 24 units of alcohol. I'm shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyOwls · 07/09/2017 12:11

The strange thing is I never saw him drink the wine. One minute it was closed, the next it was empty.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyOwls · 07/09/2017 12:16

TrailingWife I enjoy being with him because he's clever, funny, kind, interesting, good looking, sexy and we have similar interests (music, travel, history) and he never appears drunk when he's with me. When I've met him out with friends, he never seems drunk either. As I said, he'll normally have a few beers and that's it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2017 13:16

But all that will count for nothing if he is indeed a drunkard. You cannot rescue and or save him. He can function for now but for how long. He does not appear drunk because he has developed a high tolerance to alcohol; its still being metabolised in his system. He is also drinking very fast. Not all alcoholics by any means all sit on park benches with plastic bags of alcohol.

Do you really want to continue to be involved with someone like him, think very carefully.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 07/09/2017 13:28

A functional alcoholic rarely appears drunk but in terms of blood alcohol levels he is. I hate to think how much he must have drunk to make those drunken phone calls to you.

Now you've worked out the units work out the cost of those units. Also if he's pouring his own G&T it won't be a pub measure. I always pour myself at least a double.

Imagine you've moved in together, settled down with a family and you can't work out why there's never any money for treats for the kids etc. This sort of drinking is frequently incremental I'm afraid.

BubblingUp · 07/09/2017 17:21

Have you ever been out with him and he declined drinking alcohol although it was available? Was he alone the times he called you slurring his words? Will he go out to places where alcohol isn't served at all, like a museum or dry wedding reception?

MsRight · 07/09/2017 17:50

How could he stay up till 1am, drink 24 units and then be fit to drive and work in the morning?

2rebecca · 07/09/2017 17:54

Agree that's too much. I'm wary of people who drink a lot late at night after they've finished eating. To me that sounds like he doesn't have an off button. It's different to someone having half a bottle of wine with a meal and a whisky later.
I would tell him you're concerned about his drinking. If he denies he drinks too much or that they'res a problem then I'd let him go.
There are a lot of middle aged functioning alcoholics about. Sooner or later they all start decompensating.

nauticant · 07/09/2017 18:13

It's a fuck-load, it sounds like he's drinking excessively regularly, the apparent increase is you seeing what his drinking is really like, and it looks like he drink drives on mornings after.

I wouldn't be happy with any of that.

Beware of posters saying "it's not that excessive". On MN, it's common for posters to write that to validate their own excessive drinking.

gingerbreadmam · 07/09/2017 18:20

how old is he?

i can easily drink a bottle of wine and maybe a couple of half a ciders on a wkend on a night out in the pub. I am drunk but never mortalled or at a point where i don't know what i'm doing.

My dp drinks loads. Never through the week though either of us. It's a bit of a thing round where we live and not unusual in the slightest.

pointythings · 07/09/2017 18:56

He will still have been well over the limit driving at 11.30 after that lot.