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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there still an ongoing support for EA relationship thread?

28 replies

Borris · 05/09/2017 23:12

Just that really

OP posts:
Original poster
Borris · 06/09/2017 15:31

I assume that's a no then Sad

OP posts:
FlipFlopFridays · 06/09/2017 17:57

Hey Borris, I feel like I need one of these too. Maybe we could make this one? How are you doing? Flowers

gingerbreadmam · 06/09/2017 18:01

i'll hop on too if yous don't mind.

Original poster
Borris · 07/09/2017 00:10

Hi flipflop and gingerbread I'd definitely welcome starting one. I thought I'd done the impossible and that my dh had changed but now 3 years on I'm fearing the worst. In fact a school mum friend who I know reasonably well but not a best friend iykwim took me to one side and said she'd been concerned a few times over things she'd witnessed. And as I was already wondering this gas king of confirmed things for me. But of course since then I've had the lovely funny and charming version of dh and so am doubting myself all over again.

How are you 2 and where are you at?

OP posts:
Original poster
Borris · 07/09/2017 00:11

*Has kind

OP posts:
AnneOtherNameosc · 07/09/2017 00:36

Kinda new here, is this for emotional abuse in general or from a spouse?

gingerbreadmam · 07/09/2017 08:57

Same. DP is a lovely person a lot of the time but when he's not he's awful.

He is very difficult to hold a serious conversation with and anything i say he thinks of some thing i have done that is the same and uses that as a response. It's usually taken well out of context but in his mind fits the scenario.

In the last few years he accrued some debt, nothing he couldn't afford to pay but a lot of it unnecessary really kind of living the life you want rather than what you have. Lots of weekends away etc. He consolidated it with a loan and in a few months has maxed two cards. Not great amounts but again unnecessary stuff and as before he will be able to pay it off without any problems. Discussing it with him though is an absolute nightmare. It leaves me so frustrated.

And whilst he is happy to spend spend spend on unnecessary stuff the necessary stuff doesn't happen.

Last night we talked about it and i said it has to stop. We have a trip booked for November for a special birthday which i will be paying for but he will still need spends. He has decided he also wants a trip away in October and December. The December one being particularly expensive.

I don't need to think about it. My wages between now and then will be going on the special birthday and Christmas. As well as well as paying off his cards. He will not accept we can't go tho and apparently i can't talk because i asked to order some work clothes that ive not bought for 2 years out of his catalogue. As i say the necessary spending doesnt happen.

I know that's not a particular example of EA bit i guess i always back down because of the EA if you get me.

Original poster
Borris · 07/09/2017 23:10

I know that feelin Sad tiptoeing around and asking for something that actually you shouldn't even need to ask for.

Going away in October November and December sounds excessive. It's so frustrating when you know it could be easier if you just made all the decisions. And when you're financial goals are different.

My dh hates to spend. He rarely buys new clothes and so expects me to never buy anything. I've bought a new dress in the sale fir a wedding but I'm still debating sticking to my guns and wearing it (although he'll prob be in a grump and make me feel like I look rubbish) or wearing a trusty old dress and so well probably have a nice time

OP posts:
gingerbreadmam · 08/09/2017 08:07

wear the new dress. if only for us on here. wear the new dress and drink lots of wine a nd if he wants to be in a grump let him.

That's what i have learnt through counselling - you don't have to give in to them and i was guilty of that for so so long and still can be at times.

It's crazy. even after tears from me the other day over it last night he is still going on about it. There is no chance on this earth that we are. I want desperately need a new bed and living room carpet. any excessive spending will be going on that. Now i just have to stick to my guns.

I think sometimes our own lack of self confidence lets us down. Why does he deserve what he wants more than me? i shouldn't feel guilty for getting something i want and neither should you.

Fishface77 · 08/09/2017 15:00

I need this thread so I am watching with interest. I'm reading the Lundy Bancroft book but it's slow emotional going because so much of it resonates so strongly with me.

gingerbreadmam · 08/09/2017 23:41

ive heard the lundy book is great im glad u r finding it a useful read.

i already have a good idea ftom counselling what dp is like so dont know how much book would help.

do you ever wish something big would kick off so you or him could be officially reprimanded?

Fishface77 · 10/09/2017 06:41

Yeah or that he had an affair so I had a legitimate reason to get rid.

SummerflowerXx · 10/09/2017 07:10

Hi there, there has not been an EA support thread for a good while.

last thread

There is a list of resources on the first page which are a useful starting point if you don't want to buy the Bancroft book. Although I recommend it, make sure you keep it hidden if you do get it. My other piece of advice is keep a journal, again hidden, so gas-lighting won't work.

I just read the end of the thread I linked to, as I posted on the earlier ones (under a different names). There is a good point about keeping yourself as anonymous and as safe as possible on here. The EA threads were invaluable to me, but that always has to be balanced by the public nature of the forum.

Good luck Flowers

newbroom · 10/09/2017 08:21

I know exactly what you mean about wanting him to do something big/ obviously wrong so that you have a reason to get rid of him - however I've recently had a lightbulb moment that you don't have to have a reason other than being unhappy. I thought that I should stick it out because things aren't that bad (he doesn't cheat/ beat me etc), but I've been having counselling and have realised that actually some of the things he's done are actually really bad - I'm just so used to it I hadn't noticed how badly he treats me. My counsellor suggested I make a list of examples of his abusive behaviour- I got to number 43 and still have lots to add! It's proving useful though as now I've told him I want to separate he's being super nice and reasonable, so I'm having moments of doubt wondering if I'm overreacting after all (which is again part of the crazy making effect of this type of abuse).

gingerbreadmam · 10/09/2017 09:03

i used to write stuff on a word document at work. it did help. was good to look back and remind myself i didnt imagine it if you get me.

the majority of stuff i get is unfounded accusations of cheating. being guilt tripped into not doing things i like and name calling. Have been other things that i am actually too embarassed to tell anyone too and thats when u really know there is a problem.

carriemathisonshandbag · 10/09/2017 10:08

the majority of stuff i get is unfounded accusations of cheating. being guilt tripped into not doing things i like and name calling

ginger your situation seems very similar to mine, and I also had that thing of wishing he would have an affair or even physically hit me, so there would be a tangible reason to go. I left 6 months ago and I didn't realise how much anxiety I lived with until I had left.

I used to say to myself he is nice 80% so I can put up with the horrible 20%. Then I realised that the only reason he was nice 80% of the time was because I was being so careful to make him happy and not to rile him, that he didn't need to be horrible.

newbroom · 10/09/2017 13:35

I also get the suspicion/cheating stuff - and when I pulled him up on it he said 'surely you knew I was joking?' or 'why are you still going on about that?' ( which I've since learned is a classic tactic for wrong footing someone.) Flowers to everyone going through this horrible rollercoaster x

gingerbreadmam · 10/09/2017 19:19

did you stay away carrie?

oh newbroom it is a nightmare when that starts. The truth is though if he actually believed what he accuses me of i know for a fine fact he would have left. It's like it is purposefully done just to wear you down. He knows as well as i do i have and would never do that.

carriemathisonshandbag · 10/09/2017 21:58

did you stay away carrie?

It is a long story, but he eventually threatened to punch me along with some full on swearing and name calling with the DC in the house. I went straight to the police who prosecuted him for assualt and I got a restraining order to boot.

That, plus the fact I have moved 300 miles away, means I have managed to stay away. Dreading when the restraining order runs out though...

It took a long time for me and I'm still not quite there to realise that violence and assault isn't necessarily brusing someone or even touching them, but more the act of itimidation and the intent behind it.

I genuinely thought the police would just warn him and that would be enough for me to get out. I still carry awful guilt about the fact he has a criminal record two convictions because he breached the RO, and I know that his friends and family think I overreacted.

chickenfanette · 12/09/2017 08:02

Just checking in and testing name change Smile

chickenfanette · 12/09/2017 08:05

Hi ladies, hope you're ok. I think he's been looking at mumsnet so thought a name change would be a good idea. I've been re reading Lundy Bancroft, so many new insights. (Although was disconcerted to realise Lundy is a man, for some reason assumed Lundy was a female name Blush, like Lindy perhaps!)

gingerbreadmam · 12/09/2017 08:18

oh really? i didn't know that either.

i guess any sex can be an abuser so it shouldn't bother us but yeah i get what you mean.

i need to name change to add some things too at some point.

chickenfanette · 13/09/2017 08:33

Just checking in and bumping this thread in case anyone needs it - sadly there seem to be lots of people going through this at the moment x

secretsuzie · 13/09/2017 10:04

I have had two big events lately - alongside the normal day to day.

I have name changed so as not to out myself but in the last month these things have happened.

When DP was drunk he suddenly thought it would be funny to threaten to / try to wee on me in front of some very close guests. This resulted in him taking out his cock and practically trying to force wee out. Eventually he did drip some wee onto my leg at which point i'm assuming he shocked himself and stopped. I actually can't believe i am writing this. The close family there were his relations. Nobody said a word including me. I went and got changed came back down and acted like nothing had happened. In his head it was all drunken fun and no malice intended. I have never been so embarassed in all my life. Also completely discussed for other people to sit by and accept that however admittedly i do not have a leg to stand on as i am the idiot that puts up with that shit.

This one I am not proud of and know i am at fault but a couple of weeks after the above, again in drink. We had actually been having a lovely night (eventually) and returned home. The minute we walked through the door cheating accusations started. I never have, never would, never could and have never come close to cheating but an incident two years ago makes him think i have. He actually knows i haven't he was there the whole time. Anyway in these accusations, quite often he suggests that he might not be the father of our child. Our child was stillborn. It was a horribly traumatic time for me which i felt unsupported throughout and had to get on with due to something else big that happened shortly before that. Anyway he was going down this route again. In all honesty i can't believe he has seen me go through what i did with such dignity and grace and throws these accusations at me. It is something that will never sit right with me. So, i slapped him. Right around the face. It was disgusting. I am no better than him. He should report me. However i don't regret it. What a horrible person that makes me.

chickenfanette · 13/09/2017 13:51

Hi secret, that is really awful Flowers. You are absolutely not an idiot or a horrible person, his behaviour is shocking. Are you making plans to leave? x

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