Help! I think I pushed DH too far this time (long)

[greenday]

I thought about changing my name and writing for help earlier this week but didn't think it was important enough and didn't know how to put it across without boring you lot.

But last night, things reached a meltdown and I am now scared shitless that I have lost a part of my DH.

To start with, my DH is an easy-going person, slow to anger. He has a nice general outlook and temperament. he doesn't argue much and prefers to let things blow over. I on the other hand am rather fiesty. If I see something's wrong, I try to fix it. My DH prefers to let it blow. I would defend a friend/family if they have been wronged. I need things resolved rather than calmed down.

I have been pissed off with him for the last 2 weeks over some silly argument (yes, I admit, I'm one to seeth but only when my feelings are brushed off as they often are by DH and unresolved). My 2 main issues with him are that : he dismisses my feelings, and he doesn't stand up for me. But he doesn't and won't understand why these are such important issues for me. So when something happens which I feel he doesn't stand by me for, or brushes me off with, all the previous incidents come back and I not only get angry with him for the the most recent argument, but for the entire history. It's unhealthy, I know. I'm trying to improve on that.

Anyway, it was my Bday last week, he surprised me with a beautiful necklace and I was really touched by his efforts. He even organised a tea party at our nearby cafe and invited my friends over. I was very touched.

But over the weekend, the issue from a previous argument arose again. This time, it really angered me. I threw his present at him and told him to return it and that I'd rather have a husband with a backbone than some expensive present.

It obviously upset him a lot. We didn't speak the whole night and it continued till last night. It became a full-blown argument when we both couldn't see each other's point of view. DH focuses on actions/situations (it was just over this and that). I focus on what those actions reflect (ie, but what you did reflected your loyalty, respect, your attitude towards me, etc). I was shakinhg with anger and at that point of time, I had so much hatred for him even he said so. I called him a coward and his present 'shitty'. I don't know why I did what I did or what I wantd to achieve out of it .. but yes, I admit I wanted to hurt him since he is usually slower to anger. I wanted a reaction from him. Something to say that he cares.

But he snapped beyond what I could imagine. He tried to smash the necklace and be done with it. He raged around the house like a madman looking for the hammer. When I hid it from him, he lost it for a moment, shouting at me. then he broke down crying, all the time saying 'you fucked me up, you don't knwo what you're doing to me'. Then he sat there sobbing.

I guess I got what I wanted. I know I overstepped the mark. I told him I was sorry, explained that I didn't know I had pushed him, but I was like a puppy who would do anything to get a reaction, any form of attention from him, that I didn't mean to hurt him. I was, am really sorry. I dont know what to do now. He said he was ok after everything calmed down. But deep down, I think he's not ok, because 10 yrs with him and I've not seen him like that before. I've learn my lesson. I'm such a bitch. I never want to see him like that again. I'm scared I've lost him.

cut and paste this and send it to your DH with an offer to go to the GP for a referral for some anger management counselling.

I have pushed my DH like this in the past and felt absolutely TERRIBLE afterwards. I have never been for anger management counselling but reading your post I can relate to a lot of what you say and I think I should perhaps pursue it. Perhaps like me you could use some practical help in dealing with your "backed up" anger.

I am sure your DH will be ok btw.

Hmmm - I think you need to get some counselling for yourself. You sound hard to please. I think your behaviour sounds intolerable in a relationship and couselling might help you work through why you want to push your DH away from you.

I think the counselling would also signal to your DH that you are seriously concerned about how you behaved. It might just help prove to him that you want to sort things out.

That's greenday
Have pushed my dh also
Dejags speaks sense imo
I think it's all about communication
Best wishes

Your poor dh

He's bound to be so hurt that you threw his gift back at him.

Why did you want a fight with him?

I'm not sure I could live like that tbh.

If you go to your GP & chat about things, counselling might be an option for you, or other anger management techniques...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, both of you. I can relate to a lot of what you say: my DH sounds similar to yours and I too have been known to lash out and push him to the limit of his patience in order to get a reaction. DH is so very reasonable that whatever argument we have is always sorted in the end, albeit with tears and anguish and I'm sure yours will be too. We usually find that an hour or two on our own, with no other distraction, gives us the chance to voice our feelings and fears and to reassure each other. If he's as lovely as my DH and as easy-going as you make him sound, you won't have lost him. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I agree with soapbox and dejags I would be seriously unhappy if I was your dh. You sound very self centered

Greenday, you are obviously upset about all of this and regret what has happened. FWIW, the dynamics of mine and DH's relationship sound so similar to yours! I am the feisty one and DH the "slow burner".
Talk to your DH, calmly let him know how badly you feel about what has happened and also why you did/said what you did.
You both obviously really care for each other, I think your relationship could actually benefit from what has happened and move on.

Greenday - ooo so sad .

I am in similiar position in that I am flying off handle type and DH just potters along and he is rarely annoyed. We have had similiar scenes and though I don't know you or your DH I think you have to try to explain to him calmly that you find it very hard to be calm about emotional things. Greenday - like me - you are going to have to be a bit calmer. I am so hot headed and volatile but I do love my husband and I know he loves me and DC. Explain to him why dismissing your feelings hurts so much and why standing up for you is important. What do you need him to stand up about and to whom -SIL? He bought you a fantastic present - forgeting the cost alone (!) think how excited he was choosing it for you, getting it wrapped. I bet he was telling all the girls in the shop who it was for etc. Often when DH and I are at this stage we can't talk to each other but find we can communicate quite effectively through email - can you try that? Somehow it is less emotional.

Greenday, I'm so sorry that you and your DH are having such an awful time of it. It's true what they say - we do hurt the people we love. Because we know them so well, we also know which buttons to push. The thing is, you know what the problems are and you are starting to address them - it's clear from your email that you realise you have gone too far.
Honestly I think you just need to eat a lot of humble pie and really hope your husband forgives you. Don't forget, he does not have to and if you push him too far, one day you will lose him. It is clear that you don't want that.
As for the issues between you and your DH, is it that you with he was more proactive and that he had more of a role in your family? This is how it seems to be for a lot of women I know, but I think that you need to speak to someone to learn different ways of coping with the flash points in your marriage and how to communicate your frustrations to your DH without hurting him.

Aww Greenday

If you're anything like me, it's not the presents you want, is's the attention: you want him to notice you and recognise your emotions and feelings and everything you do. I had this conversation with DH just this morning. He wonders why my head hits the pillow the minute I get into bed. That'll be because I get up, get myself sorted, make breakfast, do packed lunches, clean it all up, make sure everyone's got everything they need, take DD2 to school, go to work, do full-time job, come home, do DDs' tea, help with homework, do chores, put girls to bed, read stories, do more chores, make supper for DH and I, wash up, check clothes are ready for next day, books signed, shower with good intentions , get into bed ... and fall asleep. DH gets up, gets washed and dressed, goes to work, comes home, sits in front of TV. Does that ring any bells??

Sorry, Greenday - that turned into a rant on my part. But do you see what I mean about wanting you and what you do to be recognised rather than rewarded?

i think i know the type of man he is. my dh is the same. so calm, so logical, wants to break everything down and understand it and find the solution. doesn't operate on emotions. my dh doesn't instinctively comfort me when i cry because he doesnt see the point - it wont solve the problem. he wants to discuss the issue and find a solution - i want a cuddle and some sympathy (and not necessarily a solution!)

arguing with a man like this gets you nowhere. shouting makes them switch off. as soon as you yell, you have lost them because you are being emotional, not logical, sensible.

if you have a point to make, you need to put it across calmly. my dh also is quick to dismiss my feelings if he cant see the 'sense' in them, doesnt agree with them!! we have had conversations about it. i told him that the fact he may not understand, does not mean my feelings are invalid. i have the right to them. when i discuss point by point, my emotions in the way that he can understand - logically, problem solving - he is more likely to listen.

it is hard because, like you, i am an emotional person. but i have learned that such outbursts from me have a really devestating effect and, oddly, to get more from him in the way that I need, i have to begin by approaching him in his way.

now he gives me a hug when i am upset. it is not instinctive, or done because he empathises, but he does it because he does love me, he remembers our discussions and that it is my preference and he wants to give me what i need.

does he sound anything like your dh? it is possible to live with one of these and be happy. very happy. but it does require a lot of talking and listening and accepting each others very different ways. you have to be very clear and if he is like my dh, then you really are going to have to stop carrying arguments on because it will get you nowhere. you may find you get a better outcome if you make an appt to have a discussion (i would like to talk about the way we are relating, would tonight be a good time for you?).

if he is like my dh, he will need time to process what has happened and work through it in his head, then it will be history. men like this really don't carry things forward once they have been dealt with.

i think you both need to work very hard to really really understand each others way positively and not as a character flaw, iyswim.

I come from a large, shouty family where tempers flare easily, insults are loosely traded and then all is forgotten quickly. My DH is an only child who engages his brain before his mouth which in the past has resulted in arguments such as yours, albeit much more diluted. About three years ago I saw a therapist which was incredibly helpful in so many ways. The biggest realisation for me was that I cannot and should not be able to control people and that I should be accepting of people and their differences to me and not try and change them. You're clearly very different to your DH in the way you deal with situations, try accepting that rather than changing it. And get some help, it was the best thing I ever did.

Thank you all. You've written back with so much sense, so much understanding which I never even dared expect, and to share with me that I am not alone here in the whole relationship dynamcis(GameGirly, my2pworth, noodlestroodle - thank you! Yes, my DH sounds like yours' and I come from a family where its all shoutings and insults but all resolved and forgotten in time.)
The rest of you, thank you for your advice. I agree that I need to address my anger and eat loads of humble pie.
I need to put on a face and go out now. I will come back and digest properly what you all wrote. But I just wanted to thank you all. Reading what you all have to say has not only shaken me up to big-time tears, but given me strength and determination to right the wrong.

Another with a very similar set up here - I argue and scream and shout - DH stays silent and says nothing.

He does do it partly now because he knows it winds me up even more

You need to both say sorry and show him just how sorry you are. I agree that showing him what you have written could help (unless he is a "don't go sharing our lives with the internet" type obv).

To all the selfish, self centered type replies - do you never get angry and upset, do you never fall out with your husband? For a lot of couples one good fight clears the air, but when only one half is fighting it festers. Things build up more and more over time until it blows and you just want to pierce through - you want to know that they are listening to you, that they are feeling something. When you feel all these things so passionately and they just plod along its hard to see if they even care.

One thing I need to work on (and you do too!!) is the only falling out about what is happening there and then - bringing up that he forgot to buy the milk 5 months ago seems very very important midflow, but it really doesn't help focus on what the actual problem is - they just get completely confused!!

Hormones are normally a big part in how far back the arguement goes... if it is just normal upset then I can stay fairly focussed, but pmt triggered normally goes back to "And you drank my milkshake!!" (happened pre-children...)

Not extreme at all Tugamommy.

I know when I have lost it like this with DH in the past that I could most definitely have benefited from some anger management counselling. This is not normal behaviour, and I really do believe I would benefit from some professional advice in terms of channeling my anger and not letting it get to crisis point.

If it were the other way round and a poster wrote to say that her DP/H had thrown the lovingly chosen birthday present at them (ostensibly for little reason), there would be an outcry.

The rules need to be the same either way - you can't go round hurting people. My DH sounds so very much like Greenday's. For him to get to breaking point (i.e. breaking sutff), I have to have pushed him to extreme limits. This sort of behaviour needs sorting IMO.

Yes, you are so right, flamesparrow,
I have to say outloud "i am letting it go"
it is hard work though.

My dh goes so quiet it drives me insane.
I push, push for any kind of reaction, esp when pms..... at the evil that spills from my mouth
Greenday....you are not alone

God I shudder to think what our house would be like if my DH weren't the quieter, let it roll type of person.

Explosive me thinks.

This thread has really made me realise what a gem he is.

.

greenday - "but I was like a puppy who would do anything to get a reaction, any form of attention from him" but you did get attention from him. You had a beautiful birthday present and he organised a party for you. That is the way he shows his feelings, not your way, and there is nothing you can do to change that. We are all different and it isn't right to try to people's fundamental character. It's a bit like pulling a radio apart to try to see why it doesn't act like a TV iyswim.

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic as I think I am very like you and your DH sounds like mine. Over the years we've had rows similar to yours and sadly over the years I've seen him slowly get disillusioned with me. He still loves me a great deal but I've made him unhappy so many times. I want him to be what he isn't and it saddens him. Apologise and tell him that you love him as he is. Try to explain calmly why he makes you so mad - what about him upsets you so that he can at least understand. When it starts to happen again, take a deep breath and try to remember how you feel right now. You love him and he's a decent bloke - whatever his failings.

dejags, you are so right and mytwopenceworth, you speak much sense
greenday, i hope things have improved
i too have a 'slow burner' of a dp, but as djags says, its just as well really somedays.
i do think that they need more nurturing than we think sometimes. when dp hurts, he hurts badly.
i'm sure it can be resolved though greenday, good luck

Greenday, your situation also has a horrible ring of familiarity to one particular argument that dh and I had, where out of desperation to get him to react I said the most terrible things I could. I agree with what everyone else has said that if you do love your dh you need to apologise asap. I think he may have some residual feelings about what happened (my dh does), but don't think that they need necessarilly ruin your marriage.

All that said, I do think that while it is clearly wrong to say the most awful things that you can think of, it can be very hard to live with someone who at times appears to give you no emotional support at all and yet is unable to accept this in discussions.

With my dh, I have had to say I realise that he will never see things my way but can he acknowledge that I see them that way and therefore try to help me with the things I percieve as necessary, irrespective of whether he does or not. We have had some success doing this as it does not involve DH in accepting he was wrong in anyway.

Thank you all. I'm reading all your posts over and over again and crying my eyes out because I am so ashamed of myself. And I'm saying 'yes, yes' to everything that has been written.

One poster talked about DH getting disillusioned - that is what scares me most. It's the realisation that they don't care anymore because, why bother? Or that they've lost respect for you over time. Its silly, but I fear that so much that I react even worse to him and feed more strife in that vicious cycle, when all I should be doing is what you all have adviced. It makes so much sense, yet why! why! did I not recognise it sooner before letting it blow up.

I couldn't agree more with those that have shared about pushing for a reaction, especially when DH is calm and keeps quiet. Again, its no excuse but it winds me up (DH knows that too) and I think he doesn't care. The festering when its becomes a one-sided argument. But you've all made me see that actually, its not that he doesn't care, just their own way of handling the situation. I need to let DH know that acknowledging my feelings even though he doesn't agree with them is really important for me, rather than fly off the handle even more.

I do love him. I would never have allowed anyone to treat him the way I treated him. And I don't know why I do this to him. I didn't even think I had so much poison in me. It's true what they say that you hurt the one you love. Everyone is aware of that, yet its so hard sometimes to avoid being guilty of it. I have no excuse.

Although I agree that this episode will probably not ruin my marriage (and thanks all who have reassured me), it's a scary thought that it could have been the beginning of the end.

Shame is a horrible feeling. I really do sympathise with you.

I really feel for you as I have been similar in the past.I come from a family of control freaks and shouters who seem to say before they think regardless of who it hurts.My dp is like yours the complete opposite.After one horrible row years ago i really thought about things and how I had made him feel and stopped the silly rows overnight.Not quite sure how I did it but instead of revelling in the fact that I could have this sort of power Idecided to try and learn from him and his lovely temperament You probably chose him for this very reason but it is difficult when 2 worlds collide as you are finding out.Apologise sincerely tell him you love him and get help if you need it.I was lucky as I found changing so easy and used reiki and buddhism to help me.We still row but not like that