I thought about changing my name and writing for help earlier this week but didn't think it was important enough and didn't know how to put it across without boring you lot.
But last night, things reached a meltdown and I am now scared shitless that I have lost a part of my DH.
To start with, my DH is an easy-going person, slow to anger. He has a nice general outlook and temperament. he doesn't argue much and prefers to let things blow over. I on the other hand am rather fiesty. If I see something's wrong, I try to fix it. My DH prefers to let it blow. I would defend a friend/family if they have been wronged. I need things resolved rather than calmed down.
I have been pissed off with him for the last 2 weeks over some silly argument (yes, I admit, I'm one to seeth but only when my feelings are brushed off as they often are by DH and unresolved). My 2 main issues with him are that : he dismisses my feelings, and he doesn't stand up for me. But he doesn't and won't understand why these are such important issues for me. So when something happens which I feel he doesn't stand by me for, or brushes me off with, all the previous incidents come back and I not only get angry with him for the the most recent argument, but for the entire history. It's unhealthy, I know. I'm trying to improve on that.
Anyway, it was my Bday last week, he surprised me with a beautiful necklace and I was really touched by his efforts. He even organised a tea party at our nearby cafe and invited my friends over. I was very touched.
But over the weekend, the issue from a previous argument arose again. This time, it really angered me. I threw his present at him and told him to return it and that I'd rather have a husband with a backbone than some expensive present.
It obviously upset him a lot. We didn't speak the whole night and it continued till last night. It became a full-blown argument when we both couldn't see each other's point of view. DH focuses on actions/situations (it was just over this and that). I focus on what those actions reflect (ie, but what you did reflected your loyalty, respect, your attitude towards me, etc). I was shakinhg with anger and at that point of time, I had so much hatred for him even he said so. I called him a coward and his present 'shitty'. I don't know why I did what I did or what I wantd to achieve out of it .. but yes, I admit I wanted to hurt him since he is usually slower to anger. I wanted a reaction from him. Something to say that he cares.
But he snapped beyond what I could imagine. He tried to smash the necklace and be done with it. He raged around the house like a madman looking for the hammer. When I hid it from him, he lost it for a moment, shouting at me. then he broke down crying, all the time saying 'you fucked me up, you don't knwo what you're doing to me'. Then he sat there sobbing.
I guess I got what I wanted. I know I overstepped the mark. I told him I was sorry, explained that I didn't know I had pushed him, but I was like a puppy who would do anything to get a reaction, any form of attention from him, that I didn't mean to hurt him. I was, am really sorry. I dont know what to do now. He said he was ok after everything calmed down. But deep down, I think he's not ok, because 10 yrs with him and I've not seen him like that before. I've learn my lesson. I'm such a bitch. I never want to see him like that again. I'm scared I've lost him.