Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating - second thoughts

29 replies

intoofarindatingscene · 05/09/2017 12:18

I have name changed for this.

I have been looking at online dating for a while since long term relationship ended. I have been out with a couple of men, we hit it off as friends, but that was it, no big deal for any of us.

In the last month I have been talking to a man who looks good, sounds good, and we have seemed a good match.

We have talked a lot about our wishes for a relationship but also about our desires (intimate stuff).

We have swapped photos - nothing naked - just underwear/bikini shots from me and couple of jeans and no tops shots from him.

We have been planning to meet this weekend (distance is a problem - or maybe not)

Last week I had friends visiting so didn't message as much and got a cold vibe from him, nothing really bad, but just felt his responses were short at times.

Last night we were messaging for a long time and he just seemed different. I felt as though there was a control element going on and I haven''t picked up on this before with him.

We have agreed to meet in a halfway point and stay over. We have both said it doesn't mean we will do the deed but we have talked about sharing a room. I am now not sure about any of this. What should I do.

I actually felt a bit frightened last night. I don't think he is going to do anything terrible but I felt as though I might be getting into something that is hard to get out of.

Any advice?

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 05/09/2017 12:31

"I actually felt a bit frightened"

This is your reason for not going.

PringlesPirate · 05/09/2017 12:32

Never do anything with anyone that you are getting bad vibes from. Honestly. Trust your instincts

Hermonie2016 · 05/09/2017 12:40

You are planning to meet a man for the first time and stay over! You really can't know him and it seems crazy to put yourself at this risk.Why would you do this?

I would really not go ahead with the plan especially if you feel scared..Your instinct is warning you.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 05/09/2017 12:50

This is so wrong. I have met two men (out of many OLD dates) where the messaging went on too long, the intent built up, the sexting happened and I was convinced that he was the one for me. In each case the moment I met each of them I knew there was no way on this earth that I was kissing either of them let alone getting naked. Thank god I never sent any racy photos.

Your OLD date is a stranger. Full stop. You know a couple of facts he's chosen to tell you (if they're true).

Here's how you should OLD for a relationship - it's not as much fun as the big build up you've experienced but it's real and it's safe. Once you've seen someone you like the look and sound of you exchange messages and establish you want to meet. You never sext. You absolutely never send racy pics. You don't message for more than a week before meeting otherwise you build up this fantasy picture in your head and when you meet him you find he's five inches shorter, his false teeth don't fit properly and he wears a toupee. If he pressures you in any way you stop messaging and move on. You only meet somewhere public that's easy for you to get away from and you never disclose where you live.

He's a stranger. It's all bullshit until you see it with your own eyes.

HotNatured · 05/09/2017 12:53

Don't sent photos to randoms in your underwear Shock

Seriously, you are so naïve about this I don't even know where to start.

I can't blv you are considering sharing a room with a guy you haven't met.

The guy is coming over 'controlling', just bin and move on, don't even consider giving this weirdo another moment of your time.

All this angst over a stranger.

Tanfastic · 05/09/2017 13:12

Jesus Christ, you don't go, that's what you do. I can't believe you are having to ask to be honest. You've never met him but are planning on staying over?

MsRight · 05/09/2017 13:16

Don't want to scare you but there was a recent case of a man on match.com who was arranging to meet women in a hotel and a couple of women changed their mind about staying the night when they met him but he raped them anyway. Make your excuses and do not meet up with him.

I find some men pressure you a lot on online dating before even meeting and it is a big red flag.

userxx · 05/09/2017 13:26

Ok, so you've never met this man yet you are going to stay over in a hotel with him. You are completely mad. This man is a total stranger, you've been lured into the false sense of security of OLD.

yetmorecrap · 05/09/2017 13:40

why the hell are you sending someone you dont know at all shots of you in anything but a nice frock or jeans and a top!! Im not a prude but no wonder some men have such high expectations if random women who arent hookers are happy to send underwear pics over to someone they dont know and have not even met.. do yourself a favour Op at least meet them first before going that far.

pnutter · 05/09/2017 13:41

This is your gut instinct telling you not to go!

bonfireheart · 05/09/2017 15:14

You have no way of knowing if anything he has told you is true!

Ellisandra · 05/09/2017 15:22

For heaven's sake, give yourself a good shake and start paying attention to your own wellbeing and safety.

Do you care whether he's shared those photos with his mates? You might not, in which case - no problem. But most people would like it.

I'm a big fan of sexy photos... but not to a man I haven't even bloody met!

Some people get off on random hookups with strangers for sex. If that's your thing, do it. But only if you're prepared to accept the risks.
You really don't come across like the random sex hookup with strangers is what you're after though.

Even if your gut wasn't telling you no, you shouldn't do it. But you gut is telling you!!!

FluffyWhiteTowels · 05/09/2017 15:28

This is soooo dangerous. You can't know anything he's said is real. Have you requested a domestic violence check on him (Clare's law)?

You'll be miles from home. You won't have anyone near who could help you.

And you feel he's becoming controlling. Please don't put yourself in this position. If he really liked you he'd travel to near you just for coffee or a meal in a restaurant in the safety of others. I hope he doesn't know your address or anything yet?

godconfusion · 05/09/2017 15:35

How do you know his photos are actually him?

lujuria · 05/09/2017 15:38

Have you video chatted him? Facetime, Skype etc? If not, do you know if this man is even real?

The fact you're scared just by the way he's messaging you says a lot, don't go. Back off a bit and see what happens, should give you an insight into what he's really like.
Whatever you decide to do.. good luck !!

SparklyMagpie · 05/09/2017 15:40

Oh good lord

BubblingUp · 05/09/2017 15:42

Delete and block. Now.

OlderGolder · 05/09/2017 15:46

Why would you talk sexy before you've even MET him!?

TheNaze73 · 05/09/2017 16:46

Why on earth are you sexting a stranger?

Why on earth are you staying over with a stranger?

Your 6th sense is telling you all you need to know.

MistressDeeCee · 05/09/2017 17:22

You are planning to meet a man for the first time and stay over

He's a STRANGER. Stop it, please

Whats all this based on, just because he sounded and talked and looked nice?!

& actually he doesn't sound so nice to you now does he

fgs think of safety first, why on earth couldn't you arrange to meet this man for a coffee first? Or if its a hookup certainly not travelling over to his area, Id be looking at daytime in a hotel at the very least..you can book day rooms

SparklyMagpie · 05/09/2017 18:27

So go on OP, are you still going to meet this guy?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/09/2017 18:31

Bloody hell. Can't you see how crazy this is?

Why on EARTH were you sending photos of yourself like that to someone you'd never met? Did you think that would make him want to meet you?

Obviously you shouldn't meet him now. You'd be mad to.

Emmageddon · 05/09/2017 18:35

Listen to your gut instinct and act on it. I agree with other posters, arranging to stay over on a first date is a bad move. Cancel, delete, block.

Next time you get chatting to someone online, meet within a few days of the first contact, during the day, in a safe environment like a coffee shop. And don't sext or send underwear pics.

Online chemistry means nothing. You have to meet someone to know whether a relationship of any kind is possible.

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 18:36

I sometimes wonder if the internet has rotted peoples brains. You've never met him, sent pictures in your underwear and arranged to sleep with him on your first meeting, what the fuck were you thinking?

ChicRock · 05/09/2017 18:43

Fucking hell, you need to get off OLD and learn some basic internet safety.

You've been sexting and sending bikini pics to a random stranger and now you've arranged to meet and stay in a hotel room together.

You're going to end up getting raped if you carry on like this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread