Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unacceptable behaviour. This is cheating isn't it?

37 replies

Lipsy21 · 05/09/2017 12:10

My partner and I have been together for 16 months. I have a chronic illness. I'm 29 he's 25. He already has a child from past relationship. He has MS and an addiction to cannabis (yes addicted). Which has caused problems for us due to mood swings and him being awful at times. Then when hes good, he's amazing and we are brilliant. When he's bad he's horrid.

I often thought he had sociopathic tendencies. However I always trusted him with regards to fidelity and other women.
Especially when we were together. Then we had a break 3 months ago for 8 weeks. My decision as he d been vile for a week and I was so fed up felt rejected. During that time I went and dated another guy who I had known for years. We just kissed and went on dates. Anyway during that time I discovered I was pregnant to my ex and ended it with the new guy. When I got in touch with my ex he met me and he was delighted about it all. Then a week later I miscarried and it was traumatic.

He then wouldn't make our relationship official and kept me on the back burner. I felt he was stringing me along and wasnt being himself. I kept asking why and hia excuse was his ms,his moods, his life, depression and that it wasn't me or anyone else.

Anyway,4 weeks ago he came to me and said he wanted to make a go. He started being overwhelmingly good to me (lovebombing?). He apologised for everything and said let's make a fresh start. He went to docs to see about counselling too.

Anyway yesterday was awful. I decided to go through his phone. Something i've never done before. I then saw he has been messaging another woman. I messaged her from my phone to ask and immediately she text him.
Then I knew something was up. I then got into convo with her and she told me they kissed and had met during our break(she knew nothing about me) and then also when we had been back together but only as friends and were going on bloody play dates with their kids. I was sick at this point. Last time was over 3 weeks ago they went on an outing. Whilst I was none the wiser and he has been texting me rhe whole day. Came to see me that night and told me he was with his friend john during the day and his daughter. Utter lies. She told me he pursued her but she only wanted to be friends after the kiss.

I then found he had been on tinder during the end of our break and we had been meeting up aswell. Daily he was in contact with me during the last four weeks of the break.
Also saw he had messaged other girls which appeared friendly but I could tell he was flirting.

I feel sick. I never had him down as a cheat. He's a liar. He even used against me that I met another guy during the break, he used that for.weeks and played the poor me card and made out he was innocent and has never even looked at anyone else.

Anyway I went nuts. He went nuts as he was found out. He has apologised but is acting like he's sulking.
The past three weeks has been great and I thought we were on our way to happiness and judging by his phone he hasnt messaged anyone the past three weeks. He said he made a conscious decision three weeks ago to focus on us and not message anyone and cut contact with that woman.

Im heartbroken I really am. It's time to walk isn't it?

OP posts:
LittleLights · 05/09/2017 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

XJerseyGirlX · 05/09/2017 12:18

Sorry op im not sure if im reading this right..

You had a break (your decision)
you started seeing someone during that break
He also started seeing someone during that break
You wanted to get back together
Yesterday you found out he was seeing her on your break
He has only met up with her as friends since you got back together

I cant get what makes you think he is cheating now? I see that he lied about the kids play dates but what makes you think he is cheating?

3EyedRaven · 05/09/2017 12:20

So, you told him you'd been seeing someone on your break, and he made you feel guilty, yet he'd done the same thing, yet didn't tell you?
He sounds very immature

BadHatter · 05/09/2017 12:20

This whole thing sounds dysfunctional.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 12:21

I don't get what he is meant to have done wrong?

cueless · 05/09/2017 12:21

Yes this is big time cheating. But he has never been really interested it seems.
Would you trust a man like that again?
And is it worth it with all the other issues?

BossyBitch · 05/09/2017 12:21

Technically, the cheating may be debatable - this being an unhealthy relationship is not.

If I were in your shoes, I'd end it due to the latter!

You sound very upset, I'm sorry. Flowers

hasitcometothis33 · 05/09/2017 12:22

Why would you get (back) with someone who has 'sociopathic tendencies' and who is 'horrid' to you?

Take ownership of the situation and end the relationship.

cueless · 05/09/2017 12:30

Yes this is big time cheating it looks like I missed the bit were you did it. too while on a break from the whole thing.

Barbaro · 05/09/2017 12:33

You were on a break. If you class him as cheating on you, you cheated on him too.

Bad relationship either way and it won't get better.

BelindaBlinked · 05/09/2017 12:37

I agree, it all sounds very dysfunctional.

From an outside point of view I think you'd both be better off starting afresh.

inlectorecumbit · 05/09/2017 12:39

Hmm l read it as the DP and "friend" last met up 3 weeks ago !! As friends !!
Is this cheating-probably not but he has not been exactly upfront with who he is with or what he is doing.

It's a bit of a nightmare but l would end it and move on.

Notevilstepmother · 05/09/2017 12:39

Technically not cheating, but he did lie about the play date.

Why are you with him? Take time to think about what YOU want.

Unacceptable behaviour. This is cheating isn't it?
littlebird7 · 05/09/2017 12:40

I agree with the other posts. He hadn't exactly been pining for you, but you weren't either.
I don't see any future in this relationship. I don't think there is anything approaching a deep and meaningful feeling and connection between you. There is no way I would introduce a baby into this dynamic.
It sounds like a childish and immature way to behave tbh. Move on and look for something better

littlebird7 · 05/09/2017 12:40

Hadn't - hasn't

EmeraldIsle100 · 05/09/2017 12:45

You were on a break! Why are you in a relationship with someone who has 'sociopathic tendencies'?

Wherearemymarbles · 05/09/2017 12:47

He is probably a twat anyway. MS can also fuck with your brain along everything else it fucks up.

His long term prognosis is appalling. I'd end it

HollyBuckets · 05/09/2017 12:50

Leave him. You're not good for each other - you both sound quite immature. And frankly, he only seemed interested in you when you were pregnant. It could look as though he sees you as a way to another child for him.

But he's an addict. He's behaving as addicts do. You can't trust addicts until they have faced up to their addiction and the reasons for it, and started to take steps towards wellness.

MrsHathaway · 05/09/2017 13:07

You think he continued seeing her romantically/sexually once the break was over?

You know he lied to you about spending time with her?

He's often "awful" to you. Isn't that enough to call time on the relationship without any other considerations?!

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 13:16

Relationships this short really shouldn't be this much hard work. End it now unless you thrive on the drama.

SandyY2K · 05/09/2017 13:20

He lied about seeing her for the playdate and I get the feeling he got back with you (released you from the back burner), because she wasn't interested in more after the kiss.

This isn't a good relationship.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/09/2017 13:27

Sorry everyone probs havent written this correctly. We went on a break due to his behaviour he was quite abusive. He said he would get help etc. He took a rage at me and I basically said I was done. A few weeks later I met someone who pursued me. He took me out on three dates. That was all. I wasnt over my ex so I ended it.

I was honest with my ex when we started having contact again and told him. He got ragey with me, told me he was disgusted etc that I met someone and went on dates. He played the victim for nearly two months.

Then I found out he had met someone, I saw the messages he told me they were friends. This girl then told me he actively pursued her literally the week we broke up.
Then it transpired he had been on tinder and messaging multiple girls. So he lied about all of this and made himself look innocent and made me feel bad for meeting someone.

We got back together and he met the girl who he kissed and went on dates with TWICE since we were back. They met with their kids and said it was a play date, twice. She told me she had no interest in him romantically and also that he had said he had been single for 6 montha. She said yes we kissed but I told him I wanted to be friends.
Both times they met I was at home unwell and he was out with her and their kids. He told me he was out with his friend john. We were a couple when he done this.

He has apologised and admitted he has lied about a lot. But he said he didnt want to hurt me.

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 13:29

Regardless of all that waffle he's abusive. WALK AWAY!

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/09/2017 13:31

@littlebird7 during the break 3 weeks in, he was pining for me. He hasn't stopped contacting me since then. Declaring his love etc. Meanwhile he is meeting and talking to other women.

Thanks everyone. I feel like a complete mug even posting in here. The reason I am posting is im finding it all very difficult and cant let my family/friends see me like this. Before him I was a strong independant person, now I feel emotionally broken. I feel like I've been loed to and manipulated. I dont think I will ever trust another man again.

OP posts:
BossyBitch · 05/09/2017 13:31

You still need to end it, sorry OP!

This reads like something I might have told a friend about my teenage 'relationships'. There's way too much immature drama involved for this to be good for either of you.