I read the book

[Ireadthebook]

Last night following a 2 day abusive episode from my H I read Lundy Bancroft. I feel devastated and very scared, not physically scared, I’m in no immediate danger.

I already knew of course, I’ve known for years, I’ve surfed these boards for years but I avoided The Book. I read parts of it with my hand over my mouth, barely able to breathe.
I’m not crazy, it’s not imagined, I’m not partly to blame because I get angry and upset.

I hope one day I will be free but I don’t feel ready for practical tips to LTB, not yet please. I need to do some unravelling first.

My fears

• I feel like I love him very much. That I’ll miss him and be sad without him. I’ll never feel this strongly about someone again, no one will ever feel this way about me. I think there is some traumatic bonding and/or codepency. Where do I even start?

• Facing up to what I have put the kids through, all the time I have glossed over and made excuses for him. Now that they are adults (with issues) I start thinking about me and my life? What does that make me?

• I left once, he ended up in hospital, he nearly died. He drank constantly for days until it nearly killed him. He will do this again. There is a very real threat that he will die if I leave. He has no qualms about telling me this regularly. He is also an alcoholic

I don't know what I want from this, thanks for reading.

Don't want to read and run but I don't know what to say either...

You've made a huge step forward in taking responsibility for your life and you're now thinking about how to make things better for everyone - especially you.

That's a great start. Wiser, more experienced posters will be along soon I'm sure..

Plus, WELL DONE! GO YOU! You will find the strength to do what you need to, and you will find the right path for you.

I loved mine very much. I stayed for more than 20 years. I thought he would kill himself if I left. He's been gone for over a year, has a new girlfriend and is managing just fine. Yes he took a couple of overdoses in the early days, but he (like yours) knows exactly how much to take.
What you do need to know is that should he kill himself through alcohol, this has nothing to do with you. It's HIS way of punishing you and he probably thinks he'll get rescued, once he realises that actually you're not going to come running back, he'll start to get on with his life. I know you're not ready to leave yet ( I posted on these boards for two years before decisions were made, and yes, at one point I took him back after he'd been arrested), but do start making some preparations just in case. Get in touch with your local WA for some external support. They won't force you to leave but will help you manage a leaving safely plan if that's what you choose.
Good luck!

What do you get out of this relationship now is a question you need to ask yourself and be honest about in answering.

You have been to date your H's codependent and enabler; none of what you have tried has worked and enabling has only given you a false sense of control. You left him once and you can leave again; your mistake here was going back to him.

Re your own codependency issues (and someone, most likely one of your own parents, also taught you to be codependent) I would contact CODA:-

www.coda-uk.org/

You may also want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melody Beattie

Do you still feel very responsible for this individual even after all the abuse he has put you all through?.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and attend one of their meetings in person if at all possible. Womens Aid are also well worth contacting too.

I sincerely hope that by working on you, you will be ultimately able to leave this person before he drags you further still down with him into his pit or puts you in hospital. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want your support nor to be rescued and or saved.

You have a choice still re this man; your now adult children have borne the brunt of these choices made by you as their parents but you do not have to continue as you have done.

Realisation has hit and now you know what you need to do.
If he wants to kill himself then that is his lookout.
HE is responsible for HIS own actions.
You cannot stay unhappy for the rest of your life because of someone else.
Do what you need to do when you need to do it.
Well done on posting.

Well done for reading it!
You can not be responsible for his feelings or actions. Part of the abuse grooming is to tell you that you are.
The only outcome from staying is self-destruction. Saving your skin is leaving. And yes like every relationship, leaving is painful. You have put all your heart in this, and knowing that he is abusive does not stop the grieving process.

If he tries to kill himself its not your fault or your responsibility. He's using that to keep you in line.

Its his behaviour that has resulted in you thinking of leaving - if he then sends himself to hospital because you left, that isnt YOU causing that, its HIM.
Its not your job to shield him from the consequences of his own actions.

My responses will be very outing I think but I want this thread to help me so fuck it. I need to explain the complications to get anywhere.

thank you TQ1 :). I hope I find the srenghth.

Thanks Gilead. I'm so pleased that you are free.

Atilla ( I was hoping you would show)

Out of the relationship I get a lot of happiness, mid cycle when its good its amazing. That's the honest answer. If we could be like this at all times it would be perfect.

co-dependency. I will read the book. My parents are lovely.

I was pregnant at 14, a mother at 15. My Dsis committed suicide at 22, I was 19. met him few months later. He's 23 years older.

I persued him, part of this persual was a promise I would never leave, he could always depend on me.

I've been to al anon quite a lot. I changed a lot of my behaviours about his drinking I used to try to control it. I just let him get on with it now and do not deal with any consequence for him.

Do I still feel responsible for him? completely and utterly.

as someone who also thought I still loved him - what I have learnt is that I am capable of love - so are you - if you still love him after what he has done to you you are a decent human being who is capable of great forgiveness - but there has to be a time when you say enough is enough - your life is worth more than this - if he values his own life so poorly thats his own lookout - personally i bet it is guilt - same with the alcohol - to drown out his reality he has created!

My X feigned the suicide - personally I wish he had succeeded but he's too clever for this - it was a sympathy vote! im still dealing with the abuse 3 years down the line from when he first left and despite being divorced for 6 months - its subtle - very subtle but insidious - and he is still messing with the kids heads - if he had died they would have mourned him - and perhaps held onto a belief that he was a decent father/human being - instead in his continual attempt to destroy me he is hurting them still but the stupid fucker cannot see this- you say you glossed over for your kids - me too so many times - you cannot change the past but you can give yourself a new future.

If you leave him your kids will see you've woken up - i say woken up as deep down you know -like me i needed and still do constant reassurance that it was not me - but i also realise that i was probably co dependant from my own childhood environment.

The freedom when i dont feel angry - or when im in despair - comes from knowing most of the time that it was not me - ive worked on myself to change - ive admitted to myself what i needed to learn - you have no idea who's out there just waiting for the right time - you are thinking about your own life - what does that make you? - that makes you a decent human being that deserves some kindness, some love and the chance of happiness.

Take it in your own time but i think you will find you are already on a new path

Read about the cycle of abuse. None of what you are saying is surprising me. textbook stuff. Out is the only way.

Iread, mine had and still has severe mental health problems, and yes I felt responsible for him and his health, mental and physical. Cold hard fact is that he was shagging someone else within three months of being removed from the house.
When it was good, it was amazing, but those periods got further apart as the years went on. I was solely responsible for all things family, shopping, cooking, cleaning, parents evenings and they were all resented because they were time not spent attending to his needs. I too promised we'd never part and my goodness I was so scared he'd kill himself. As I said, he didn't. He pulled himself together. He has help for his health problems, he's still shagging the poor thing he picked up on the way and he's still messing me about. He made me promises, promises to help more, promises about fidelity, promises to look after me. All broken. If he can't keep his promises why on earth are you keeping yours?

thank you greenberet. I can relate to all of what you say. I sometimes wish he would just not wake up one day, this would be easier. I am also scared that he will continue for years after like yours is doing and I'l never really be free. If I was to go no contact for instance then the kids would probably have to bear the brunt.

We are going on holiday next week, just the 2 of us.

I persued him, part of this persual was a promise I would never leave, he could always depend on me

this is your sticking point - a promise - you are married he also made a promise to you!

you have been through some tough life issues very young - were you also looking for someone that you could rely on being that he is so much older?

have you had any counselling for yourself?

No I don't think I was looking for someone to rely on. I think I wanted someone I could fix, he was a mess when I met him, his wife had left. I was so naive.

Never had any counselling, should I?

Well done for reading the book. It really helps doesn't it.

Whatever he does is his choice. If you operated him like a puppet and "made" him do stuff then you'd make him behave like a decent straight forward human. If you leave him whatever he does is his choice. If he tries to kill himself then that's an extension of the abuse and an attempt to make you stay so he can ultimately abuse you more.

Now that you have read the book you can't unknow what you know. You can rip the plaster off and separate now or you can stay while your feelings for him move into pity, resentment , disgust even maybe hatred. Perhaps you'll end up trapped and nursing him once he is infirm. I know it's hard to leave but if you do it then you get to have some living free. You'd also be a good example to your kids and a better position to support them. Now you know the truth of what he is you can't pretend not to know and go back to giving him the benefit of the doubt. Everything will just feel wrong like you shouldn't be with him.

If he is an alcoholic he needs to hit his own rock bottom before he can seek help. You didn't cause him to be an alcoholic and the kindest thing you can do is walk away so he gets to his bottom so he can sort himself out.

I know it's hard-it was the hardest thing I ever did. It took 3 attempts to go and there were a lot of tears. Ultimately I'm so much more happy though and I've grown into a much better person I really like.

It is impossible to fix people.
They will only change if they take active steps to do so (which include therapy and self-reflection).

Counselling would help you deal with what is happening and you may then have the strength to leave him for good, so it is worth trying. Best of luck

Iread - how is he when you are away - does he drink or do you have a good time together?

take as much time as you can for yourself - eat well, get sleep, exercise- leave this stuff behind for a week and just go with the flow but all the time build up your reserves in whatever way you can?

funnily enough for me it was when we were away on holidays i started noticing that "something" was missing - we would be in luxury resorts, the kids still needed attention but there was nothing coming from him - i would often be in tears most nights by myself!

Don't be scared of the future - you will be free - one day he will cease to have any effect on you - how old are your kids - you say they have issues - is this with relationships? Ive told my kids so many times I got it wrong - i thought i was doing the best for them - i was based on what I knew at the time - now i have to try and put them on the right path too - its never too late - you still have the chance!

Holidays are his favourite. He gets me all to himself and I join in with the drink. Win win...he's usually very pleasant.

I have dd21 and dsd's 23 & 26. The dsd's are his and exw but we had custody. Yes they struggle with anxiety mainly and relationships, particularly his 2.

Massive drip feeds. He's retired, I work full time. His mother lives with us (dementia)

I never support him! Ha!

I feel I need to document this as a cycle. I knew it was a kind of cycle but not in the way that the book has clarified.
I need to understand the part I play because i know that I play one.

He wanted to chat just now. He's so very sorry, I'm none of the things he called me (horrible disgusting cunt, unsupportive, liar. False, I'm false with everyone I only pretend to be nice. I'm big headed and full of myself. I belittle him..on and on and on for 2 days)
Anyway, I'm none of these things now. Its the drink. Its because its so obvious that I'm lovely and beautiful, kind and clever that he is scared of losing me. He thinks there is something wrong with him mentally. He's so sorry, he's going to show me.

I told him I'm going for counselling, he groaned, "please dont, I'm terrified I'm losing you. I will do anything".

I think I used to love all this, his grovelling. His confirming that I'm not these things, the peace and lovebombing that follows.

so this is the beginning of the next cycle and I am paying very close attention.

oh and he thought sex might be on the cards

I persued him, part of this persual was a promise I would never leave, he could always depend on me
Wow - you were 19 and he was 42 - he had no right to make you promise that kind of thing.
Yeuk - he sounds vile.
You know what you need to do.
Take your time and get it done!
And definitely get some counselling. It will be really good for you.

It was a bit more subtle than that but in a nutshell I did have to make that promise.

He is Mr sensitive and The victim in terms of profile.

You can't keep promises OP if it's totally detrimental to you and your sanity, there has to a line drawn somewhere