OP: My story is a little bit like yours. I got together with my ex very young aged 17, he was 23. We had issues from the start but I was love struck and I truely adored him. We went on to have 2 kids together and in between shitty episodes we had very good times. The last 3 years or so it became increasingly difficult with him becoming more and more emotionally abusive. i can see now that there were red flags from the start but I ignored them. A lot of the issues we have I partly blame myself, because as a person who hates confrontation, instead of dealing with things head on, I just try and skim over stuff and keep my true feelings hidden.
He has always been a drinker, in that he liked to drink wine or beer most nights. But the last few years his drinking escalated and things got worse. He wasn't working (we live abroad) and I started a good career and traveling a lot. His already dented self esteem slid further and it projected that onto me. He is a very angry man, and I think now I have time to look at it has borderline personality disorder, as well as anxiety and depression.
I reached the end of my rope in Feb and left with the kids. Since then we have had a rollercoaster of a ride, but I have kept supporting him as much as possible and slowly putting in boundaries. Why have I done this? Because I love him essentially although I know we will never have a romantic relationship again, and I care about him. Despite the shit he put me through.
My fears were very much like yours except my children are much younger.
My fears
-I feel like I love him very much. That I’ll miss him and be sad without him. I’ll never feel this strongly about someone again, no one will ever feel this way about me. I think there is some traumatic bonding and/or codepency. Where do I even start? you probably do love him very much, perhaps even more than you love yourself. Which is where you need to start. You need to learn about acceptance of who you are and deal with it in order to move on, independently from your relationship. You are probably co-dependent like me, start by untangling yourself from the web of emotions you have been feeling. You start by reading up about co-dependeny. have a look at Out of the FOG website
-Facing up to what I have put the kids through, all the time I have glossed over and made excuses for him. Now that they are adults (with issues) I start thinking about me and my life? What does that make me? You have done what you have done because you felt you had no option, you can now start looking to the future. The kids are grown up and in time you can discuss with them, but don't let that hold you back. Essentially they will love you unconditionally, and all you can do is aim to support them and grow a different relationship with them
-I left once, he ended up in hospital, he nearly died. He drank constantly for days until it nearly killed him. He will do this again. There is a very real threat that he will die if I leave. He has no qualms about telling me this regularly. He is also an alcoholic This was quite possibly my biggest fear and he has been on a couple of big benders since I left and continues to drink but I feel he has it under control. You do not pour the drink for him, its his coping mechanism. It might actually give him the kick up the arse he needs in time. Or it could send him the other way, but that is not your decision or choice, its his. Don't let this fear stop you from thinking about moving forward. I have had a few suicide type texts, scared the shit out of me, but I have learnt that I cannot stop him if he really wanted to, and in fact its just another way of manipulation.
The last 7 months have been really tough, i won't lie. He has pushed and pulled my emotions and I have felt so much guilt. But I didn't ask him to spit in my face, not be able to control his anger, shout and scream and call me a cunt in front on the kids for no reason, put his hands round my throat etc. He did that, not me. Sure there may have been times I provoked him but he chose to behave like that. Its interesting as he always managed to control himself around other people.
As my kids are young and he spends time with him I have had to keep things as civil as possible, but the distance has allowed me to assert my boundaries, and in the last few weeks (I might speak too soon) things have turned a bit of a corner.
He came over to mine on Sunday for a roast dinner, all free of stress and we had a nice evening. Yesterday I found out my dad has cancer and I am traveling back to the uk at late notice, and he has even offered to take my dog. Now he might just be doing this to try win favour, but I genuinely feel he is just showing me what he should have showed me years ago. I will never go back, because too much damage has been done, and I am not saying your DH can or will change. i guess what I am trying to say is, work on your strength first, know you do not deserve to be treated like this and the rest will follow.
Be kind to yourself, gets lots of rest, speak to people in real life and keep posting. Mumsnet was invaluable to me at that time. Good luck.