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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW looking after my DC after 6 weeks together?!

38 replies

User2410 · 05/09/2017 09:19

It might be more like 8 weeks I don't know exactly but either way that feels too soon. He's only known her since June. It was only while he played football but he hasn't seen them for 3 weeks and he could have just not gone football. It feels really disrespectful I have never met her. He must feel he can trust her. He has made out like I'm a drama starter so she has blocked me on everything. I don't know it feels all wrong the whole situation which i suppose i have to get used to at some point. what are your opinions ?

OP posts:
Boatmistress17 · 05/09/2017 09:20

Morally it's shitty but legally he hasn't done anything wrong. How do the dc feel about her I guess is the important question. .

ClemDanfango · 05/09/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 09:26

Well ds is 2 so he just says they went to the park together and seems happy. Dd is 6 and she doesn't sag anything negative about her but she keeps alot in generally about the situation she hasn't got her head around the fact we arent together and asks me when daddy is coming home and tells me to put my rings back on. It still feels devastating and this adds insult to injury. And we have always said we wouldbt introduce new people to them until 6 months minimum let alone have the other person take care of them! It must be confusing for her especially when she hasn't quite got her head around the split.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/09/2017 09:30

I know that legally he has done nothing wrong, but that doesn't stop this being an incredibly shitty move.

Figgygal · 05/09/2017 09:31

Totally shit move by him

KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 09:34

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Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 09:38

I'm so open to bring friendly with her I have no intention of causing drama and perhaps she will see that I'm a nice person. To be honest he probably wouldn't want us to communicate because I think he's painted a bad picture of me.i just want it to be where we can all be nice and there for the kids but he's so secretive when he does have them which i find hard because ive spent a solid amount of time with them.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 05/09/2017 09:40
Flowers
IfYouHappenToSee · 05/09/2017 09:45

To be honest he probably wouldn't want us to communicate because I think he's painted a bad picture of me

Yes, I suspect the same. Well she's such a lovely person that she wouldn't have got involved with a married man unless she believed his wife was an utter bitch, would she... Wink

5 years on and he refuses to engage in any suggestion that she and I have each other's phone numbers for emergencies.

KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 09:46

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2017 09:52

He's a shitbag for doing that. Total. Sorry :(

Karma - not sure that's at all appropriate or legal even - it's a bit of a murky area when it's the girlfriend, but people who have no relationship at all with the parent? that's surely negligent, if they're not actually child carers, isn't it? I'd be really fucking pissed off if I were you. Angry

KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 09:54

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DamnSummerCold · 05/09/2017 09:54

I get what everyone is saying re: it's his time he gets to decide etc.

But WTF?

On a side note if I started dating a guy and he expected me to look after his children after 6 weeks I'd be running in the other direction, I mean fair enough if it was a dire emergency but football....

It would tell me all I need to know about his priorities.

I'm not saying that the NRP life has to stop when they have their children, people work shifts etc but if you only see them EOW etc I think football can either take a back seat that week or it becomes an outing for all.

Sorry I'm not being at all helpful here but I'm a bit WTF!

Would he be happy if you did the same?

SouthernNorthernGirl · 05/09/2017 09:55

6 weeks?! Bloody hell OP. Terrible time for you, do you have support?

And yes, your husband is being a complete shit. Flowers

Neutrogena · 05/09/2017 09:59

Not ideal, but it is what it is and OP, you'll have to deal with it I'm afraid.

Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 10:00

I haven't lost my head or anything I simply said I disagreed with his decision and I thought it was disrespectful. He didn't respond. I am jealous for sure but I'm good at keeping that at bay. It's more a principle thing and the worry for DD. They'll probably stay together but who knows. He says he's happy.
Although this week is meant to be his solid week to have the kids but the goalposts have moved loads. He messed me around Saturday and then he said that sleeping at my house was a head fuck and he couldn't sleep. He said to me to come back to the kids at 6pm which I said no way to. He obviously doesn't want to do the bath n bed routine. He said he wanted to go gym! Which I just said isn't my problem seem as it's his time with them. He's generally difficult.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 10:04

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KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 10:05

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Isetan · 05/09/2017 10:07

Unfortunately this is his call and he has chosen to behave this way. Anything he said in the past has to be taken with a large pinch of salt, the person he may have been when he said the things he said is long gone.

You sound lovely but your Ex is a knob and unfortunately knobish behaviour will undermine amicable. Keep contact business like and try and detach from behaviour that you can't change.

Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 10:16

It's just so frustrating because he's always doing things that are unfair and my RL friends and family are screaming don't let him get away with that !! But actually there's nothing I can do. Im not a screamer and I don't kick off, it has no impact because he genuinely doesn't care for anything other than his own needs and wants. I want to get on for the children he's just making it so difficult .

OP posts:
Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 10:17

Most of the time he treats me like I cheated on him not the other way around

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 10:25

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Original poster
User2410 · 05/09/2017 10:30

He's emotionally abusive so always end up asking what everyone opinion is on a situation as I always doubt whether I'm fair or being over the top. But it doesn't actually matter either way because his wants override mine or the kids.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 10:32

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Amd724 · 05/09/2017 10:54

Nah, I'd need to meet any person who is looking after my child. OW, friend, whoever. I just need to know who has my child, if the father doesn't. To me its also safeguarding, to make sure this person is capable of taking care of my children. Yes the father has met this person, but you both should meet her first, because you're both the parents. If this was a new childminder, you'd both want to meet this person. I fail to see how its different just because your ex is fucking her. You're not, you don't know this person, how are you supposed to trust them around your child? He's being a shit father, and I think he realises it but doesn't want you to be able to do something about it.