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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where do I go from here. *possible trigger*

27 replies

JustNeedSomething · 04/09/2017 23:35

I know what I would reply if someone else where to write this, ltb, don't look back. But unfortunately it is never really that simple is it? I've written this post a thousand times in my head but I'm wary of going into too much detail.

The fact of the matter is that I said no and wasn't listened to. I said no many times in fact. I'm 13 weeks pp where I suffered a 3rd degree tear and things are still not right down there. We tired once a few weeks a go to have sex and it was too painful. He was caring, considerate, and generally what you would expect from the person you marry and make a family with. This time he wasn't any of that. I was asleep when he started, I woke and repeatedly said no, it hurt when he penetrated me and I told him so. He didn't listen so I gave up and took it. So now what? I spent a day in shock and upset, today wasn't much better. I don't understand how someone who was so loving, who still ?acts? so loving could hurt me so. Watching him with dc is breaking my heart. I want to take my baby away from him where he could never hurt or disappoint them as he has done me.

But I have no where to go, no one to put me up and no funds to leave. Maternity pay doesn't pay that much. I don't know if I can tell anyone, if I say it out loud I can never take it back, it cements what he did as fact and everyone would know. If I ignore it, I know I can't forgive but I could carry on like it didn't happen. But right now I don't want him to speak to me let alone kiss me goodbye. I really don't know what to do. Do I confront him, make him admit it to out loud. Would that change anything? Fuck sake.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/09/2017 23:42

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I think you should start by seeing your GP tomorrow - tell the receptionist it's urgent. Explain everything to him/her.

What's your family situation like? Are you close to anyone who could help you now?

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2017 23:43

He raped you. You said no and he continued.

Can you phone a rape helpline. Do you need to see a doctor to check your tear ? ((Hugs))

Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 04/09/2017 23:47

No family geographically close by. I could pick up the phone right now and speak to them, but can't bring myself to do that.

Everything is healed thankfully, and it wasn't sore afterwards just during. I know what he did. I don't understand how he can be both people.

OP posts:
KipperTie · 04/09/2017 23:47

So sorry to hear what you're going through. What an awful situation to be in and such a terrible thing for him to do. You are probably still in shock so don't feel you have to rush any decision. I don't think you should need to worry about others knowing either; you have done absolutely nothing wrong and his behaviour does not reflect on you at all. You're not alone 💐Xx

WindowsSmindows · 04/09/2017 23:48

Do you have anyone you could call to ask to come over? Maybe your mother?
You don't have to tell her what happened on the phone maybe just say you need some help with the baby.
Then when she's over you can breathe and get some distance between you and him.
Maybe you might tell her,?
Maybe a sister,?

Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 04/09/2017 23:56

They are too far away to call to come over. I don't think I could tell them, telling them would mean I have to do something. I haven't worked out where I want to go from here yet. The easy solution is to not do anything, but that would give him the green light if he ever where to do it again. I would like to understand why? He has been asking for sex for a few weeks but I have always turned him down. I'm tired, I'm stressed at being a new mother. I've had no sex drive. I don't understand what he was trying to achieve because there is no way I want to be intimate with him now.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 05/09/2017 00:12

Have you spoken to him about it? My husband/I often wake up mid sex then end up claiming that the other intimated-could this be what it is? It seems unlikely though. What if after he raped you he feels remorseful and will help you leave?

Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 05/09/2017 00:35

He had dc while I had a lie in. Dc had a nap and he came to the bed. He was awake, I was not.

I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. He hasn't acted any differently. he showed concern that I was distant and looked like I had been crying. I told him I was tired.

OP posts:
pickleface · 05/09/2017 08:23

I've been exactly where you are now. Pretty much word for word. I loved him so much but we didn't get through it. We split a couple of years later and I'm still devastated. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 05/09/2017 11:01

I know someone who got 4 years prison for this

yetmorecrap · 05/09/2017 11:02

And it was an intelligent middle class 'nice' guy by the way, not some weasel faced arse

Boatmistress17 · 05/09/2017 11:05

Op my exh did the same 2 weeks pp. . I took my wedding rings off and made the decision to plot to leave as I too had no income or family to go to. .
Took me 2 years but I did it.
And you can too.
Flowers

SnowiestMountain · 05/09/2017 11:06

I'm so sorry OP, perhaps your GP might be a start

ShoesHaveSouls · 05/09/2017 11:10

Same here yetmorecrap - 10 years in prison for raping his wife (my friend).

OP I'm so sorry you've been through this. My friend took months /years to come to terms with the reality that her husband, as well as being the supposedly nice man she married, who fathered her children, who had a respectable job - was also the man who raped her many times.

You're in shock. Are you at home with one baby? Could you take a few days away, staying with family? You don't have to tell them them anything if you don't feel ready yet. One step at a time.

cueless · 05/09/2017 11:16

It's awfull JustNeedSomething. How can somebody you love and trust behave like this and betray you to that extend? This is rape.
Have you seen your GP? It would be a great idea!

Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 05/09/2017 13:22

I'm so sorry that others have also been through this. I'm no closer to deciding what I want to do. I don't want to see my gp about it, it seems too formal. I wouldn't want to be pushed into doing something where I haven't fully worked out the consequences.

Yes it's just me and baby at home, unfortunately due to complicated reasons I couldn't stay with family and they are too far for me to do a day trip on my own with dc.

This really is a beyond ridiculous situation. In the evening I seem to slip into normality, we both care and play with dc. A happy family unit. I don't forget but I am able to ignore/push it aside and get on. I haven't even decided if I want to bring it up with him. Give him a chance to make amends or even see if he computes what he has done. I don't know if I can face his reaction, whatever it may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 05/09/2017 22:07

If, if I were to speak to a health visitor or gp about this, what would happen next?

OP posts:
puggedoff · 05/09/2017 22:13

How about contacting women's aid? Or health visitor? Even your midwife would be able to listen and give you some options as all healthcare professionals have mandatory safe guarding training

Anyone you feel safe to speak to is the first step when you are ready - hth x

ShoesHaveSouls · 05/09/2017 22:16

OP - you could ring rape crisis. They will give/offer counselling and advice. They will have all the information you need. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and afaik, they won't pressurise you to do anything Thanks

Original poster
JustNeedSomething · 05/09/2017 22:37

I think I will call, I need to speak to someone about this. Although I haven't said anything out loud to myself yet, I'm waiting for my brain to scream at me. Life is ticking on as normal for now. It's surreal.

OP posts:
thestamp · 05/09/2017 22:52

Oh OP I'm so sorry he did that to you. What a soul shattering experience.

I don't know what else to say, nothing I say will make it better. I just feel for you so much x

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2017 21:27

Hi OP I'm just wondering how your evening is going? Are you at home? Are you ok?

AliceBeeblebrox · 07/09/2017 23:40

Wanted to let you know that you've been in my thought to OP.
Hope you're going ok x

AliceBeeblebrox · 07/09/2017 23:40

*thoughts

Apileofballyhoo · 17/09/2017 15:43

Hope you are doing ok justneeds.

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