I know what I would reply if someone else where to write this, ltb, don't look back. But unfortunately it is never really that simple is it? I've written this post a thousand times in my head but I'm wary of going into too much detail.
The fact of the matter is that I said no and wasn't listened to. I said no many times in fact. I'm 13 weeks pp where I suffered a 3rd degree tear and things are still not right down there. We tired once a few weeks a go to have sex and it was too painful. He was caring, considerate, and generally what you would expect from the person you marry and make a family with. This time he wasn't any of that. I was asleep when he started, I woke and repeatedly said no, it hurt when he penetrated me and I told him so. He didn't listen so I gave up and took it. So now what? I spent a day in shock and upset, today wasn't much better. I don't understand how someone who was so loving, who still ?acts? so loving could hurt me so. Watching him with dc is breaking my heart. I want to take my baby away from him where he could never hurt or disappoint them as he has done me.
But I have no where to go, no one to put me up and no funds to leave. Maternity pay doesn't pay that much. I don't know if I can tell anyone, if I say it out loud I can never take it back, it cements what he did as fact and everyone would know. If I ignore it, I know I can't forgive but I could carry on like it didn't happen. But right now I don't want him to speak to me let alone kiss me goodbye. I really don't know what to do. Do I confront him, make him admit it to out loud. Would that change anything? Fuck sake.