What to i do....

[ebbie22]

I dont really know where to start..I havent even been married for a year yet and already im ready to throw the towel in,The only thing stopping me is my dd 19months...
I have always been mates with my ex's although only mainly through texts,my husband can be controlling and very lazy,he will only do what he wants and if i ask for advice or help that too will be in his own time..
I know deep down that i should never of got married to him but now i really dont know what to do for the best..

I do love him,i just dont think i am in love with him anymore,we have been trying for another baby for 7 months,because i always wanted my children close together and i would rather them have the same father even if we were no longer together..
I just feel so down and dont know what to do,i have reread this and know the last bit seems unfair and part of me feels blessed that we havent concieved as it wouldnt be fair on a baby...The reason this has all come about now is that all my old mates are thinking of having a nite out where i used to live and my dh has said that if i meet up with my ex of over 4 years ago then that is it...I said he couldnt control me anymore but deep down i know he is goin to...Am i in the wrong?

i wanted to refresh this as need some advice...Last nite we talked and he still wont bk down,i know for the sake of my dd i will,but i think im goin to spend the rest of the time resenting him..has anyone been in same situation?

ebbie - is there anyway you could get a babysitter and dh can come out with you? is your dh like this when you want to socialise with female friends/family/guys that aren't your exes?

tbh,He always questions what i do,no matter whether male or female..I do have other male friends that pop in every now and again but after i get the third degre,what did he say/do{}i find it easier not to meet up..
Im sure its me that he doesnt trust even though i have never cheated on ne 1 in my life...I just dont want to end a marriage,over an ex,but why should he have the right to tell me who i can and cant see...

I'm not toally clear on what is happening - you've been invited to meet up with some old mates? Is it nearby? Is dh invited too, and would he be likely to go?

I may be in the minority but I would have to say that I would be uncomfrotable about dh meeting up with ex's without me and vice cersa. It is not so much about just trust - it is whether you want to go down a path that may open up temptation at a later date, when everything is not rosy (and as you point out, you're not entirely happy at present anyway).

Don't rule out counselling - I wouldn't still be married without it, and I know several of my friends in a similar position - even if it is just one or two sessions. Relate will see you on your own - dh doesn't have to come.

Do you manage to go out with your dh? Do you have "joint" mates that you can hang out with?

We dont have lds of money,its my old school mates and its just a drink where i used to live,my parents still live there..Every month he goes to his mates house from work,also near where my parents live,to play poker,while i stay at home,i havent seen most of my mates for over a year if not longer,it was just gunna be a drink and catch up....

We are sopposed to be goin out this wkend to his mates from work house warming,but yesterday he told them all about our probs so i dont much feel like making small talk,His best man who they have been mates for years comes round about twice a wk,i have told him that i dont mind every now and again,but it is still how it used to be...I am going to go to relate by myself as think i am going to just hate him otherwise..

ebbie - definitely think you are right going to relate and getting things straight in your mind. I personally could not take being restricted with who I meet - but then I have never been in that position so can't really say what I would do if I were you - everything is always so much easier when you are advising other people. Is it the case that your exes have been your friends/before going out/were part of your circle of school friends/other friends. Tho I can understand people don't like their other halves going out with their exes, it sounds to me as if contact with them is natural to you, as part of your social circle, rather than that you are doing it with any thoughts of an affair. Given that you have not seen your mates for over a year, it does sound unreasonable how your dh is reacting. If you don't see your mates soon, could you rearrange for when things have settled with your dh?

We havent even arranged a date as said would go out when dh is playing poker,but he wont tell me when that is or even if they have arranged it..

ebbie22,

Did you call into Capital fm?? There is a woman on the radio with the same problem - general advice seems to be leave him!!!

Hope your feeling better hun!!!

No I didnt hear about fm,why what was said?But also found out that trisha topic was,Married 9 months and already seperated...I think we will be ok,I know I will one way or another just nit sure what is for the best just yet..

sorry to hear what your going through ebbie22. all i can say is i remember reading that over 70% of break ups happen in the first 3 years of children. could this be where the main conflict is - do you feel he doesn't share the responsibilities or feel neglected? the reason i gave the statistic is it made me feel better when me and my dh were finding it hard. we got into what i call 'competitive sleep disorder syndrome' where one of us would be saying 'i only got 5 hours last night' 'you were lucky i got 3'etc. there are so many pressures to deal with and it also highlights the differences of how you want to bring your children up, when they might think their way is best. why did you split up with your ex?

haven't worded the stat right - what i meant to say is that out of the families that do split up, 70% do so in the first 3 years of having a child.

I was young 18{}and quite ill,he couldnt handle it,i had known it was over for a while but was still hurt..We are great friends now and i also kjnow why ex's stay ex's.I meet up with his mum with my dd for lunch every now and again though..Much to my dh disgust...And i never hear the end of it foe how many wks..

I dont feel he shares the responsibilities that he should with everything,house work etc etc,..I understnd that he works bloody hard at his job,but i am a full time mum with avon as my partime job and i too work hard just in different ways,he doesnt give me the same credit as i give him...I feel he takes me for granted and i dont know whta to do anymore..

Well he doesn't entirely take you for granted as this jealousy of your ex suggests some insecurity on his part. It doens't sound like he wants to lose you but his way of dealing with the feelings is by being aggressive and controlling.
It sounds like you need to do some talking together about how you both feel and how you might be able to improve things - possibly through a mediator/ counselling?

I went through a similar thing a few months ago. I have been married for 3 years and was young when I got married and had our dd.

You need to decide what you want and not what is best for your dd. If you stay for her sake but are un happy your dd will suffer in the long run anyway.

As for another baby - I was sure that would solve our problems too - I also had the same attitude of wanting my babies with the sasme father - untill a lovely lady I met on here suggested that if we split after having 2 babies I might meet somebody that wanted children of their own and I realised I didn't want loads of children.

Take a long hard think about what YOU want. Can you manage without your dh, are you willing to actually leave?? When I sat down and thought about life on my own I decided to put extra effort in to make my marriage work.

There is more to my story than this but I'm sure you get the general idea.

Thank you both for ur replys,ur've started me off again..lol..Thank god dd is at her nannies today...I have thought long and hard about what to do and still dont know...Im scared of being on my own,for ruining my dd life at such a young age,and for feeling that i have failed as a wife of just a year..Its not even the point of meeting up with my ex its the point that if i give in again now what is it gonna be nt month..He doesnt trust me and is there hope in a marrige when there isnt any trust..

Be strong,

make sure your getting want you want and need from your marriage.

It's not all about being a good little wife and making sure your husbands got his pipe and slippers.

You have a right to be happy.
Trust can be re-built but only if BOTH partners are willing to try.
Unfortunatly as we all know, men can be very pig-headed

But that is just the thing,I havent done anything to break the trust..and have got to a point where i am just gonna explode..after we had the discussion yesterday I was upstairs and the phone rang,it was his mate seeing if it was ok to come round as he usually does 2 or 3 times a wk,and 10 mins later they were downstairs playing on the comp and laughing while i was upsatirs crying my eyes out....Why didnt he thing that our marrige was more important?

are you still marriged ap?

Yeah I am still married - for my sins

Men don't react the same way to an argument as women. 1st of all they NEVER want to admit they were wrong and 2nd they usually get very awkward when us girlies start crying!!!

Is your hubbie the same age as you, older, younger ??? His jelousy does seems like a major problem. I would find it very difficult to cope with so I can sympathise with how down you must feel. Does you ex mean so much to you that these arguments are worth it or is it just the pricipal that you should be able to see who ever you want when ever you want.

i may have got the wrong end of the stick here - but is it your dh that doesn't trust you because he suspects you still have feelings for your ex? if it was me it would break my heart. i would find it very hard to understand the being friends thing and meeting up with his mum, it would add fuel to the fire. you also say you are scared of being on your own - if your dh loves you ask for time apart and see if a)ex is your soulmate, b)whether being on your own is something that is preferable/more peaceful for you and your dd than being with dh. the best of luck xx

forgot to add c) counselling to see if you can build the trust back?

I don't think counselling is a realistic option here - it doesn't sound like ebbie's dh even acknowledes that there is a problem.

In reality how many people actually go to counselling - everyone suggested this to me when I had problems but I didn't think it was a realistic idea.

Not trying to get at shrub (sorry if it sounds like it)
It's just everyone always jumps straight to this answer

M dh wont do counselling,neither would he want time apart..its all or nothing...I dont know about the ex thing,I cant seem to get my head round it,I enjoy his txts i dont deney itto u{},but he is a ex and i know that..When we were together i was quite ill and his mum was like a mnm to me,so i always kept in contact and respected my dh for knowing how i felt..My husband is 8 years old than me,and i always said age doesnt matter when you are in love now i ask myself is love enough..

i thought about goin to a counseller by myself but decieded, this was prob better as noone can see my emotions..

Is this guy a problem for your dh because he's a male friend or because he's an ex???