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Relationships

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Original poster

"Treat them mean, keep them keen". Does playing hard to get work?

55 replies

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 09:57

Do you think that there is any truth in that?
Does ignoring a guy or acting uninterested makes the guy work harder to 'win' you over?
I have found that guys who have to fight or work hard to get a date with a woman, pursuing her for ages seem to value her more.

A guy pursued me so hard at uni, I was oblivious and uninterested anyway.. then I started thinking maybe I should give him a chance after a few of my friends commented that he seems really into me. As soon as I started showing signs of interest he cooled right off. wtf?!

My mum always said that men are dogs and the more you ignore them the more they want you, she also used to say that a woman needs to have pride and ego and not look desperate.
my dad used to say men want what they can't have.

However, my friend who grew up in a different family to mine says that a guy who pursues you hard when you are uninterested is a red flag and a sign of a stalker that if you do get with will end up controlling.
Where is the balance? how do you know if he truly loves you or just wants what he can't get if he spends months or years pursuing you and you don't give in is he genuine then?
I would like to know your opinions and experiences of this.

OP posts:

AfunaMbatata · 04/09/2017 10:01

If I showed a guy I was interested in him and he played hard to get I would assume he was a knobhead.

NouveauBitch · 04/09/2017 10:03

The key is in the word playing. It's playing games and has no space in adult relationships. If you like someone and they like you and you're both grown up enough to have a proper relationship then there's no need to pretend otherwise. If you need to play games in order to satisfy someone who allegedly is into you then you both probably need to grow up.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/09/2017 10:03

No. It's all game playing - and you don't want to play games. It's not the sign of a healthy relationship.

It's like all the don't text first/wait so long before replying type nonsense. You may be able to pique someone's curiosity by controlling your behaviour; but you're on a hiding to nothing - if there was anything really there, it wouldn't matter.

TheNaze73 · 04/09/2017 10:06

It may have worked pre internet dating days however, I think they'd just move on now, as there are far more options available. Also, I think a lot depends on what the man wants. If he sees somebody as relationship material, he may chase however, if he's looking for a placeholder girlfriend for sex & just something light, I don't think any amount of mind games will have the slightest impact.

Brown76 · 04/09/2017 10:08

No I don't believe that. However I do think being too intense in the very early weeks of meeting a new partner can be offputting, so...don't treat them mean, but equally don't be too enthusiastic until you get to know them? For both sexes.

demirose87 · 04/09/2017 10:10

If someone played hard to get with me, I'd lose interest and look elsewhere. I don't see the point in game playing, if you like someone and they like you back equally, there is no problem. It's usually when one person is more interested than the other that someone gets messed around.

AdalindSchade · 04/09/2017 10:10

Only so far. It won't keep a man interested after the initial flirting period but in my experience it can make a man more keen. It's pretty pointless though

YellowAardvark · 04/09/2017 10:18

I don't think playing hard to get works, but if you are too available too soon it can put men off.

So ideally you aren't hard to get per se, just have a full and busy life that doesn't rely on them for happiness

Trills · 04/09/2017 10:18

What kind of person are you interested in attracting?

I don't think I would want to be with someone who was keener on me if I acted uninterested than they would be if I acted as-interested-as-I-was.

Trills · 04/09/2017 10:19

I agree with your friend that a man who chases women who say they are not interested in him is a man who doesn't believe women when they say what they want and that sounds like a man who it would be unpleasant and potentially dangerous to date.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/09/2017 10:27

I agree with your friend. By pretending you're not interested, you will attract either future stalkers or guys who are only interested in the hunt.

I have a friend like that. Due to some early messed up relationships, his understanding of love is that it's a pursuit and longing for something you can't have. As soon as you can, he has no idea what to do. I've seen the same pattern repeating itself many, many times - he's interested in a woman. Woman not too interested. He goes all out, chasing after her, says she's amazing. Woman finally melts and starts showing some interest - in about 2 weeks you will hear that 'Ah I don't know, she's just too keen...'
The guy is in his 50s and still single, never married or been in long-term RL.

If it's right, it just works without any game playing. Even if it would work for some men, what would the relationship look like? Either you need to marry someone you're genuinely not that interested in, or keep pretending for the rest of your life.

WhollyFather · 04/09/2017 10:29

Short answer, no. It's immature and manipulative.

Before I was married, if I met a girl/woman I liked the look of who seemed to be unattached, I'd make a move and see how she reacted. Anything short of a friendly and positive response and I'd jog on. Maybe she wasn't interested, maybe she was playing games, but either way my move was always only a one time offer.

And any girl told 'men are like dogs' by her mother, or not brought up to understand the difference between attractive confidence / self-esteem and neurotic pride / ego, may encounter problems later in life.

HerOtherHalf · 04/09/2017 10:31

I think it's fair to say that some people enjoy the thrill of that chase and for them TTMKTK may well work. Until they catch you, then what? More often than not they'll lose interest.

thedancingbear · 04/09/2017 10:32

No. It's wankerish.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/09/2017 10:43

All depends if you're 15 or not.

If you're a functioning adult, acting like an idiot and playing ridiculous games isn't an attractive trait, no.

PopeMortificado · 04/09/2017 10:47

The trouble with generalisations is that they are general!

It's broadly true that

some men (and women) like the thrill of the chase in pursuit of sex and when they get that they lose interest.

someone who is very obviously super-keen is a bit of a turn off - because a normal person will have their own life, interests and realise it takes time to get to know someone - very obviously "liking someone" from the get-go can turn them off.

but there are all sorts of exceptions to these propositions. I think the only things you can say for sure are

it is never a good idea to drop all of your life's interests to be with someone you have just met

if someone is doing that for you from the start, it is usually a red flag.

-balance in your life when dating is a good thing.

if two people click and are meant to be, it will work out whatever they do.

MoGhileMear · 04/09/2017 10:52

Honestly, I think the idea is a reactionary hangover from the days when men were typically seen as the aggressors/pursuers of a genteel icemaiden with no desires of her own, whose job was to allow herself, reluctantly, to be romanced, and held onto her knickers with a grip of steel until there was a ring on her finger.

It's more than a bit depressing to think of it being something grown adults do in 2017.

And what PopeMortificado says is sensible. The thrill of the chase isn't a thing for me, but I would be deeply alarmed if someone appeared to abdicate all else in their lives apart from pursuing me.

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2017 11:12

As far as this man is concerned, absolutely not. I didn't play games as a teenager and I'm certainly not playing games now I am in my early 40s.

I do have a female friend who says she "wants a man that will fight for her". As she doesn't want violence, I'm assuming this is the same sort of basic principle. She's been single 10 years.

Trills · 04/09/2017 11:19

I agree Mo. A hangover from the days when in order to appear respectable a woman had to pretend reluctance whether she felt it or not.

Women who act keen, who knows what they've been up to with other men? They might be spoiled goods.

And women who say "no", they're just being coy, they don't mean it.

"As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall choose attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, as is the usual practice of elegant females"
(Mr Collins to Lizzie Bennet)

Original poster

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 11:23

Thank you everyone for your opinions, i am genuinely interested in your thoughts and that was very insightful. There are some beautifully written and funny replies here!

My parents didn't have a healthy marriage and I think I don't really know much about healthy dating/boundaries.

The guys who seemed to enjoy being ignored (I ignored because I wasn't aware they were interested or I wasn't into them) 2 of them cooled right off when i flirted back (!), it never progressed to asking out and the other one got angry and threatening that my brother had to be involved. All went on for months or years.
If they'd asked me flat out straight Id accept to go out or say no thanks but they just seem to like chasing. They were all 18 to 34.

I also wonder if I give off a certain vibe because I rarely get asked the normal way by normal guys..admittedly I act cold and standoffish when I do find a guy attractive so maybe that could be it? It's like a self preservation thing or defense because I don't want to be rejected so I act like I don't care.

OP posts:

ImogenTubbs · 04/09/2017 11:26

I've found that guys who like 'the chase' can be quick to lose interest when they actually get somewhere with you. It becomes dull for them after that.

The best relationships I've had have been the ones where there has been mutual respect, interest and honesty from the start, including my wonderful DH.

Original poster

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 11:29

Shatners I admit I kind of grew up with that idea that I want the romantic love story, being wowed and pursued.. but it just seems to lead nowhere or get strange/awkward. I fear I may end up alone..which is fine but I don't want.

MoGhile this is so funny. beautiful imagery yes I think that is it and i agree its depressing.. I really need to update my views on dating and societal expectations of men and women when it comes to dating and relationships

Pope these are good rules to remember. in my situation they flaked from the moment i showed interest back. Maybe I came on too strongly or they just liked the chase. either way im sick of it..

I agree that it is sexist and wrong and immature..but is it true is what i suppose i wanted to know from your real life experiences versus how things SHOULD be.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 04/09/2017 11:29

I'm going to disagree. I had countless dates that led nowhere back in the day and in some cases I really liked the guy and was gutted he then went silent.

So I gave up and thought fuck it, let them come to me. Shortly after that I met DP who did most of the pursuing. He knew I liked him, I snogged his face off enthusiastically so I wasn't exactly coy.

I just left it to him to make contact, suggest dates etc.

I'm sad that this is how dating works, it's a travesty and a throwback. But it is how dating works.

Original poster

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 11:40

Morriszap so he asked you out? did you have to do or give off any signal to encourage him?
how much flirting would you do to show you're interested but not appear too keen or obsessed? I'm seriously clueless

OP posts:

MoGhileMear · 04/09/2017 12:19

Morris, I am just laughing inwardly at the idea of Morris Zapp playing it cool with a new date. Or indeed Stanley Fish.

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