Drug addict DH. Finally tipped me over the edge

[IfYouJumpInMuddyPuddles]

My husband has struggled with demons since before we first met. To be fair if I met him now 10 years older I would have run a mile but I didn't. He is a functioning addict - so he holds down a job and can go weeks sometimes months without but then disappears and binges for whole weekends. In the past he's spent all our rent money, emptied bank accounts. He had therapy got better and I thought things were going to be ok. We had 2 kids there were blips along the way - missing his son's birthday, our wedding anniversary etc. Lately he's started the disappearing acts again and a few weeks ago I caught him taking crack in his car outside the house (It has never been this before). I lost it and kicked him out then but quickly relented giving him a month to get help and get sober - he didnt.

He disappeared Saturday morning and sloped back in around 4pm yesterday. I've told him it's over I'm not willing to keep lying to the kids about where daddy is. When he's sober he's a brilliant dad and always helps round the house.

I've realised over the years I've lost most of my friends and spend every single evening in the house. If I try to go out to visit friends the backlash is unbearable and I'm usually punished with a disappearance so somewhere along the line i just stopped trying.

I know his behaviour is not even comprehendible to most people, I know I should not be here but it's like I'm addicted to him. I am so angry but I can already feel the edges blurring.

I have told him it's over. I've told him I'm leaving but I need a few weeks to get sorted and find a new house.. how do I stay strong and follow through? I desperately want it to be over now but I know he will turn up the charm and false promises and I'll give him yet another chance to blow.

If you rent why don't you get
Him to leave?

I would speak to woman's Aid and seek their support

You really do have to leave him.

I think you should listen to yourself: you feel you are 'addicted' to him in some way. Whether by co-dependency or his emotional abuse your own self has been lost.

I think you need, and deserve, some professional help and support while you actually make this break.

Counselling or maybe there is an equivalent of AlAnon that helps family of alcoholics.

Your GP would be a good place to ask, too.

Good luck OP, you have made the right decision. You simply cannot bring your kids up with a father who uses crack in the car outside the house. And it is so important that you need the right help to do it.

Very strong that you have recognised now that you have difficulty extracting yourself from him.

I'd struggle to get him to leave he's desperate for this relationship to work out also if he left I'm worried it would be the tipping point between functioning addict to addict and my kids would loose their dad. At least this way they get to visit him in a house they know with their own rooms.

I only have to get through my final year of uni and will moved nearer my mum anyway.

I'm not sure WA would help he's not beating me?

I would start to seek support for yourself at once - from Nar Anon and Coda.

I would also do, as quickly as possible whilst you're still angry, the hardest thing: break the wall of silence. I'm assuming none of your friends and family are aware of his addiction problem? Start telling them. Today. Their reaction and the level of accountability that comes with speaking openly about issues will give you more incentive to leave.

He doesn't sound as if he is exactly god's gift when sober actually - if he punishes you for going out with friends. You are hoping for someone who doesn't exist to return to your marriage. It's time to let go.

Keep remembering the 3Cs:

• You did not cause this
• You cannot cure this
• You cannot control this

But you need real life help to get away.

He's emotionally abusive, if you go out socially he punishes you!

WA also run the freedom programme so you don't end up with someone else you think you can fix or rescue.

Don't rely on him having them, he's an addict first...

WA are not just for women who are being physically abused.

Talking to them can't hurt and they can be a great help.

Womens aid absolutely will help, you should have a drug treatment charity in your area who can help too.

The best thing is to start talking to people, addiction thrives on secrecy, and it really isnt something any person can "fix" in another.

I dont underestimate the amount of upheaval to come, but you know something has to change.

Good luck

I've told one friend yesterday for exactly that reason I had to get it out but I'm struggling to get further. I don't think I can bear to tell my mum the reason for the split if I'm honest and his parents are elderly and not well. Theyve been through this once with him before and it would break their hearts. I'm quite happy to leave them to live out their final years thinking he's ok.

How did I ever end up in such a mess?!

Oh puddles. I don't think IS a functioning addict any longer if he's doing crack outside in the car while his kids are in the house and disappearing on his wife and kids. That's not holding it together. It's not your fault and you can't change him or his behaviour. Only he can do that, and he needs space to accomplish it.

You need to tell your mum. Do what is important for you. He is already using again, you've no idea what comes next in terms of his behaviour but one thing is certain: it will not be your fault.

As to his parents - again, you have no control over whether they find out he is using again. If he gets arrested, or ODs, or indeed goes into rehab, they are going to find out. These are his choices and he bears the consequences of them. However, there is no need for you to seek them out (esp as I fear they may put pressure on you to stay with him 'so that things don't get worse' - as if you can control that). But reach out to your friends and family. You and your children need help.

It doesn't matter about them going back to see him and having their own rooms. He's doing crack in the car outside. You know that, when you leave him, he's not going to be able to have unsupervised or overnight access?

Right now OP, whether you acknowledge it or not, you are enabling his drug addiction. By continuing to stick your head in the sand, deny that this is a problem, give him second/third/fourth/twentieth chances to get clean you're as far in denial as he is. He definitely needs help, but unless he's ready to accept it there isn't a whole lot you can do, but you can help yourself, because YOU also need help.

You say you're 'addicted' to him, that by leaving/asking him to leave you'll exacerbate his addiction - bollocks! He's an adult with his own mind and you are currently facilitating his addiction. Not only that, but you're bringing your DC up in a home with a drug addict - a man who sneaks out to do crack in his fucking car! Wake up OP. Your message here is a good sign that you're starting to see sense. Please do as the others on this thread advise. Reach out. Talk to your mum. Talk to your friends.

A good friend of mine whose now ex has drug problems finally broke up with him earlier this year. They've been married for 15 years and also have two kids. Now he's out of her house and she's in the process of divorcing him she's just angry that she didn't do it years ago, that she put up with his lies and denials and minimising for all this time. You need to end this now OP. You have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with an addict and you need help. Your DC also need a DM who is strong enough and who cares enough about their welfare to get them out of that situation. Having a relationship with their dad is only important if he is clean and sober of his own free will. You cannot make that happen, however much you might wish it. That is up to him.

www.nar-anon.co.uk/

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said so just sending thoughts and wishes that you can stay strong for yourself and your children and leave him

puddles

On one hand you've told him its over, on the other re his parents you're thinking, "I'm quite happy to leave them to live out their final years thinking he's ok".

Why?. There are no prizes handed out for being a martyr and they could also live for another decade or so yet; you do not know. You are a part of this overall dysfunction as well and you need to address your own roles within this; namely codependent and enabler. Its done you no good at all and what you have tried has not worked. Your children will also become far more aware of the problems at home as they get older then it will really spiral out of control too. They have an addict as a father; he is really no father to them at all or H to you and for him the drugs come first. How many times have you covered it all up and enabled this man?. Too many. His primary relationship is with substances and his thoughts centre around where the next hit is going to come from.

TBH his parents hearts are broken and they have seen all this already from their son. They were probably relieved in some ways that you came along and took him off their hands. They could not help him and neither can you. HE alone has to be the one who wants to change and he clearly does not want to. All that is happening now is that your children and you are being further dragged down with him. He is an addict first and foremost and was long before he met you as well. Your own deeply rooted rescuing and or saving tendencies here have indeed cost you dearly and I would certainly recommend the organisations that Tribpot has spoken of. You need outside support and badly so in order to break free; family and friends can be too over invested themselves to be of any real benefit; you need impartial people. Addictions as well thrive on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now. I would also think it is just a matter of time before he loses this job he's at as well given his past form for same.

You've told him its over now; stick to it. Do not go back on your words otherwise you and he could well do the same codependency dance over and over. What you've tried to date has not worked; time for you to now completely detach from him. What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He wants this relationship to work out so he can carry on his relationship with his addictions whilst you raise the kids and try to finish your uni course. That is why he wants this to work out; its for his own selfish intentions and nothing to do with you or the kids here.
He punishes you by disappearing off when you want a night out; that is also he being emotionally abusive here.

You also need to address your codependency issues because someone (most likely one of your own parents) taught you how to be so. BTW did you yourself grow up seeing addictive behaviours in the family?.

Things at home are bleak enough as it is; staying with him will only make things a lot worse for everyone.

I'm not being a martyr to his parents PP is right they've had their hearts broken by him. They're lovely people and it's not my call if they know now that's up to him.

I don't have headspace left for anything past getting my kids out of here right now.

No no addictions in my childhood but my parents split up and my dad and I had a pretty shit relationship afterwards I'm sure there is something Freudian in that!

I know it's completely irrelevant but he's never lost a job or been unemployed since I met him.

Nar Anon and Coda, as tribpot suggests.

Using the anger you feel now is a great spur! Leave him now. You are alraady implicated and ensnared, your difficulty in telling your Mum means you are part of HIS story, not yours. Free yourself, before your kids become similiarly caught up in it.

You have a great future ahead, doing your Uni course... seize your future and run.

I had a relationship with a habitual drug and drunk user, and in the end I realised that the drink and drugs would ALWAYS win, and though he repeatedly assured me how much he loved me and needed me, what he actually did was involve me in a constant self-fulfilling prophesy of why he himself was unlovable to himself. It nearly cost me my career and mental health.

Ok, well focussing on getting your kids out now is great!

When does your course start back? Have you enough savings for a deposit on a flat? Would Uni Accimmodation services help you?

Good that you have told a friend. Find somewhere to go, leave, and then tell more friends and your parents.

Good luck OP!

The language you use in your post suggest that your denial is still quite strong. He isn't desperate to make the relationship work, he's desperate to maintain the status quo and he needs your presence and continued enabling to do that.

You behaviour is part of the cycle. You're not responsible for protecting his parents from his behaviour, you won't be responsible for tipping him over the edge if you leave and you can't stop him from being an addict. Your decision over the years to be a part of the lie that is covering for him, has made you an accessory to his addiction.

Stop colluding in his addiction and start building a life, where his destructive tendencies don't take up so much oxygen in your life and for that to begin, you need to stop covering/ protecting/ pretending.

I know it's completely irrelevant but he's never lost a job or been unemployed since I met him.

You're right - it's irrelevant. All addicts are excellent liars who are used to compartmentalising their lives. As a typical addict your DP is clearly very good at this, and at manipulating others to see/do things his way. You're making excuses for him. Can you see that? We're all telling you 'This isn't going to get better, protect yourself and your DC, get out of this relationship now', and your response is 'But really, he's not that bad, he can keep a job, honest ...'. Can you see what you're doing?

What state is he in in front of your children after he has taken crack in the car outside your home?

You put this man first at great cost to you. Your enabling of him has only given you a false sense of control.

As I state his parents were probably only glad that you came along and took him off their hands. You have played out the usual roles associated with partners of addicts; namely codependent, provoker (because you never forget) and enabler. Both of you have been locked in the same codependent dance until now; he does not want that to end so he can carry on as he always has done but you seem to now want to make some positive change for your own self.

Focus on getting your children and you out of this before you get further dragged down by it. I'm certain he won't make it easy for you to leave; he may well disappear or plead with you again with hang dog eyes but you need to stand firm and firmer now than you ever have done. Let the people at uni help you as well; reach out to them. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; bust this wide open and get proper help for your own self.

If he's lost a previous relationship due to his addiction, he's probably desperate not to lose this one, to prove to himself that he's not an addict (which he clearly is). He will be using the fact he can go for weeks without a fix in the same way - obviously proper drug addicts use every day so he can't possibly be. His "desperation" about this relationship is about him, not you.

Don't waste time wondering how you got into this mess - that will be a useful bit of retrospection once you're free of it (to avoid getting sucked back in or repeating the mistake). For now the focus is getting you out of the mess, particularly to get you away from him before he can talk you back round.

Let the people at uni help you as well; reach out to them. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; bust this wide open and get proper help for your own self.

Very good advice! Yes, go and see your uni counselling service - they can be a great resource, so avail yourself of that help. And yes, tell EVERYONE (although not necessarily his parents - either he can tell them or they can find out). My friend was so ashamed of her DH's drug taking (and alcohol abuse), that for years she didn't tell her friends. I was gutted when she finally told me, because she'd been carrying it all on her own for so long. Let your family and friends help and support you. Some will shy away, but others will be your rock and you will need them over the coming months.

He's spending money on drugs that could and should be spent on the house, the children, holidays... how much have you and they lost out on to enable him, OP?

You're assuming responsibility for something that not only did you not create, you absolutely cannot control. There are umpteen ways that his parents may find out, and broken hearts or not I'm sure it would be worse if they were to discover it due to Social Services involvement with the children etc.

I think you know that by not telling people you are already giving yourself a way 'back in'. But I would urge you to hold firm and not do that. You cannot have growing children around a using adult without screwing them up, you just can't.