First of all I am sorry for the long post. It is rather complicated and I do have a tendency to waffle!
It's been one thing after another for most of my life, I feel that I am so close to breaking point and I don't know what to do or how to cope.
I was born in a small valleys community when my mother was very young. As a consequence, my mother had to give up her party lifestyle and her opportunity to go to Uni which was rare in a small community during the 70's.
I can not remember much of my childhood except that I was always scared and I tried my best to be invisible because I always felt like a nuisance. I do remember several occasions where I huddled in a corner while she screamed at me till my ears rang and times where I bolted up the stairs to my room or the bathroom before she hit me. I remember one occasion where she slapped me across the face so hard my face stung for hours. I was always made to feel like I didn't matter and wasn't important.
When I became an adult, she criticized me continually. Everything I did was wrong. I did my best to distance myself and at 16 I moved in with my Grandparents. I don't know what I would have done without my wonderful Grandmother. She tried to defend me, but I think that even she was scared of her. I never, ever remember feeling loved or wanted, apart from by my lovely Grandmother who did what she could and was my saviour bless her.
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When I was 17 I met my first bf. He was 2 years older than me and when he finished at uni he was offered a Grad position with a good company a long way from home..we discussed it and decided that he would move to the new location, see how it goes and in 2 months I would join him.
I joined him and for a while we were happy, but he was homesick. A year or so later we returned home when he received a job offer with a fab wage he could not refuse.
We moved back home, got engaged and bought a home. I hoped that this was the start of our lives together, good jobs, a move house, marriage and eventually children. Everything most people dream of.
However that was not to be.....we'd been together over 7 years when he went on a course with work, met 'her' and had an affair. When I found out, we had a massive row and split up.
I had to move out of the home I loved and I was devastated. Unfortunately it also meant that I had to go back to my mother because i had no one else to turn to.
I again moved out as soon as I was able. Unlike a normal/loving mother. The parent I craved, she was not there for me at all. It was always about her. I was desperate for support and for someone to cuddle me, but this was never forthcoming. It was like she never gave a damn if I was upset or hurting.
It is worth me adding here that I did not have any siblings, nor did she or my Grandparents so we were a very small family.
Soon as I could get enough money together I again moved out and got a little flat and a reasonably well paid job.... however i lost my job when my (abusive) bf threw me down the stairs causing very bad injuries inc a broken wrist and a very badly damaged knee. This meant that I had to take a lot of time off sick and inable to fulfil the contract.
I then again moved back to my hometown and had to go back home.. I then decided that I wanted to pursue a degree and started a access course at the local college. I then started at Uni and lived in student accomodation for a while.
During the tough, stressful university years I had no support, financial or otherwise. I'm fact she rarely even got in touch..
By this time both my dear Grandparents were in their 80's and in a poor state of health and unable to be there for me.
I once said to my mother why do you hate me so much?? I am a good person, I work hard, do my best etc, I can't do anymore. I could be a prostitute, thief, murderer etc, why? I don't get it.
I did not receive any real response apart from a mumbled "i don't hate you" and she made me feel even more of a failure as usual. I don't ever remember hearing the words I love you.
When I finished the degree, I started work and met what I thought was a nice guy it was initially a fling fora few months and I really liked him. I later found out that he was sleeping with multiple other women. This was roughly around the time that I discovered I was pregnant.
He didn't want to know and made it clear that he would not support me. I was 36 at this point and i had always desperately wanted children but doubted it would happen.
When I had a heavy bleed at 3/4 weeks and they thought I was miscarrying, I was devastated and i rang him because I had no one else to turn to. He said that he would be at the hospital in 15 mins but failed to turn up.
I had an horrendous 25hr wait to find out whether my beautiful baby was safe or not.
At 19/20 weeks I then had a very late amnoicentecis procedure because some test results had flagged up something unusual.
Two weeks later I had a call at work from a consultant at anti natal saying that I need to see her urgently.
I went to see her and it materialised that the baby had a chromosomal disorder which was very rare.
They were unable to deternine whether the baby was male or female at this stage. The 'disorder" was very difficult to get my head around, but it affected the sex chromosomes that determined determines whether the baby is male/female. For that reason, the female of the disorder is badly affected with a long list of horrendous issues.... known as 'Turners syndrome'.
I was offered a termination at this stage.
If the baby is male it could be that he is severely affected or not at all. It was therefore essential to determine that the baby I was carrying was male. This was established and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
When my gorgeous boy was born, my mother forced herself into being my birthing partner because I did not have anyone else and as I was vulnerable I felt I need what kotrle support she offered.
When gorgeous son was born she interfered and even prevented the midwife from placing him skin to skin. It was.like she owned us both.. the following morning early when I was trying to get my boy to breastfeed, one of the HCA's that was trying to help noticed some breathing issues and my son was placed in special care.
He remained there for 48 hr and was eventually deemed to be ok though with a minor heart prob that needed to be observed.
We were released from hospital and that is when my probs really began.
At this point I was renting a lovely home that was actually owned by my mother. One of 5 buy to let properties that she owned. She had a set of keys and let herself in whenever she wanted..
In the meantime I was exhausted, struggling in all ways, no support or help whatsoever, financial difficulties and in hindsight prob PND too.
I was really struggling, it was overwhelming but I did not want to ask for help because I did not want to be judged and I did not want to be a failure. That is how she always made me feel
However, bit by bit she was undermining me. Everytime she was near us, everything I did was wrong. I was useless/hopeless/a bad mother/a stupid Bitch/a did not care about my son/didn't know what was best for him. She wore me down and made me feel like crap.
I started to resent her and we had arguments. I told her that if she came to my home to have a go she was not welcome and could stay away.. Any breaches of this would result in changing the locks and she would not be allowed to see her Grandson.
After this I received 4 anon calls to social services with accusations that I was abusing my child.
Social services were absolute Bastards
....indtead of offering the support that I was desperate for, they lies and said that they would protect me.and my son
During this time, my mother was not allowed any contact with my son but that didn't stop her following us everywhere, attemping to collect my son from nursery when she was not allowed and even trtomg to get in on a medical appointment and s mothef/toddler group that I was taking part in.
She even paid one of the other mothers to report back what was said..apparently because I said that my son was not sleeping, I was exhausted and i could kill him that meant that I was a danger to him
I even tried to get the police to slap an harassmnt order on her but as it was my own mother apparently it was not true.
Out of the blue, I suddenly received solicitors papers notifying me that she had made a court app to obtain residence (custody) of my son shortly followed by papers for possession of my home/eviction.. The hearings for both were within 2 days.. I had to borrow thousands for a solicitor/ barrister while she had the best and I lost. I lost my precoius, wonderful, only son and my lovely home in the same week..i almost lost it and sadly I did attempt at this point to take my life..i spent 3 days in hospital feeling like shit and I never felt so alone and isolated or low in my entire life.
Fast forward 5 years and things have not got any better. I have been continually prevented from seeing my son.....even attempts to see school pics or reports have been stopped (he goes to private school and she pays the fees)
In the meantime I am struggling working part time on min wage with depression and a severe bad back (2.proplapsed.discs) and it seems like it's one thing after another. Everything is a continual, constant struggle...i don't have anyone and 8 feel so isolated alone and totally empty.
I am so desperate to be loved and wsnged. I am '43, I have fuck all.to offer anyone and I am going to be alone and lonely forever..
No one wants this depressed, sad Bitch and they never will..
All men ever want is to shag and nothing else
Ps. I am not on medication as I hate the side effects and I have had counselling.
I have also recently lost a job I loved and had been at for 8 years or more. I am devastated...i am pursuing a case of unfair dismissal through employment tribunal. Its one thing after another with nooooooo let up in my life ever. I feel likeI need to be cut a fucking break.
I've really had enough big time.
Any help would be so appreciated. I feel like I am just a short step away from breakdown atm.
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