Why is my life continually going down the pan/don't know how much more I can take..PLEASE help.

[Flammingstar]

First of all I am sorry for the long post. It is rather complicated and I do have a tendency to waffle!

It's been one thing after another for most of my life, I feel that I am so close to breaking point and I don't know what to do or how to cope.
I was born in a small valleys community when my mother was very young. As a consequence, my mother had to give up her party lifestyle and her opportunity to go to Uni which was rare in a small community during the 70's.
I can not remember much of my childhood except that I was always scared and I tried my best to be invisible because I always felt like a nuisance. I do remember several occasions where I huddled in a corner while she screamed at me till my ears rang and times where I bolted up the stairs to my room or the bathroom before she hit me. I remember one occasion where she slapped me across the face so hard my face stung for hours. I was always made to feel like I didn't matter and wasn't important.
When I became an adult, she criticized me continually. Everything I did was wrong. I did my best to distance myself and at 16 I moved in with my Grandparents. I don't know what I would have done without my wonderful Grandmother. She tried to defend me, but I think that even she was scared of her. I never, ever remember feeling loved or wanted, apart from by my lovely Grandmother who did what she could and was my saviour bless her.
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When I was 17 I met my first bf. He was 2 years older than me and when he finished at uni he was offered a Grad position with a good company a long way from home..we discussed it and decided that he would move to the new location, see how it goes and in 2 months I would join him.
I joined him and for a while we were happy, but he was homesick. A year or so later we returned home when he received a job offer with a fab wage he could not refuse.
We moved back home, got engaged and bought a home. I hoped that this was the start of our lives together, good jobs, a move house, marriage and eventually children. Everything most people dream of.
However that was not to be.....we'd been together over 7 years when he went on a course with work, met 'her' and had an affair. When I found out, we had a massive row and split up.
I had to move out of the home I loved and I was devastated. Unfortunately it also meant that I had to go back to my mother because i had no one else to turn to.
I again moved out as soon as I was able. Unlike a normal/loving mother. The parent I craved, she was not there for me at all. It was always about her. I was desperate for support and for someone to cuddle me, but this was never forthcoming. It was like she never gave a damn if I was upset or hurting.
It is worth me adding here that I did not have any siblings, nor did she or my Grandparents so we were a very small family.
Soon as I could get enough money together I again moved out and got a little flat and a reasonably well paid job.... however i lost my job when my (abusive) bf threw me down the stairs causing very bad injuries inc a broken wrist and a very badly damaged knee. This meant that I had to take a lot of time off sick and inable to fulfil the contract.
I then again moved back to my hometown and had to go back home.. I then decided that I wanted to pursue a degree and started a access course at the local college. I then started at Uni and lived in student accomodation for a while.
During the tough, stressful university years I had no support, financial or otherwise. I'm fact she rarely even got in touch..
By this time both my dear Grandparents were in their 80's and in a poor state of health and unable to be there for me.

I once said to my mother why do you hate me so much?? I am a good person, I work hard, do my best etc, I can't do anymore. I could be a prostitute, thief, murderer etc, why? I don't get it.
I did not receive any real response apart from a mumbled "i don't hate you" and she made me feel even more of a failure as usual. I don't ever remember hearing the words I love you.

When I finished the degree, I started work and met what I thought was a nice guy it was initially a fling fora few months and I really liked him. I later found out that he was sleeping with multiple other women. This was roughly around the time that I discovered I was pregnant.
He didn't want to know and made it clear that he would not support me. I was 36 at this point and i had always desperately wanted children but doubted it would happen.
When I had a heavy bleed at 3/4 weeks and they thought I was miscarrying, I was devastated and i rang him because I had no one else to turn to. He said that he would be at the hospital in 15 mins but failed to turn up.
I had an horrendous 25hr wait to find out whether my beautiful baby was safe or not.
At 19/20 weeks I then had a very late amnoicentecis procedure because some test results had flagged up something unusual.
Two weeks later I had a call at work from a consultant at anti natal saying that I need to see her urgently.
I went to see her and it materialised that the baby had a chromosomal disorder which was very rare.
They were unable to deternine whether the baby was male or female at this stage. The 'disorder" was very difficult to get my head around, but it affected the sex chromosomes that determined determines whether the baby is male/female. For that reason, the female of the disorder is badly affected with a long list of horrendous issues.... known as 'Turners syndrome'.
I was offered a termination at this stage.
If the baby is male it could be that he is severely affected or not at all. It was therefore essential to determine that the baby I was carrying was male. This was established and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
When my gorgeous boy was born, my mother forced herself into being my birthing partner because I did not have anyone else and as I was vulnerable I felt I need what kotrle support she offered.

When gorgeous son was born she interfered and even prevented the midwife from placing him skin to skin. It was.like she owned us both.. the following morning early when I was trying to get my boy to breastfeed, one of the HCA's that was trying to help noticed some breathing issues and my son was placed in special care.
He remained there for 48 hr and was eventually deemed to be ok though with a minor heart prob that needed to be observed.
We were released from hospital and that is when my probs really began.
At this point I was renting a lovely home that was actually owned by my mother. One of 5 buy to let properties that she owned. She had a set of keys and let herself in whenever she wanted..
In the meantime I was exhausted, struggling in all ways, no support or help whatsoever, financial difficulties and in hindsight prob PND too.
I was really struggling, it was overwhelming but I did not want to ask for help because I did not want to be judged and I did not want to be a failure. That is how she always made me feel

However, bit by bit she was undermining me. Everytime she was near us, everything I did was wrong. I was useless/hopeless/a bad mother/a stupid Bitch/a did not care about my son/didn't know what was best for him. She wore me down and made me feel like crap.
I started to resent her and we had arguments. I told her that if she came to my home to have a go she was not welcome and could stay away.. Any breaches of this would result in changing the locks and she would not be allowed to see her Grandson.
After this I received 4 anon calls to social services with accusations that I was abusing my child.
Social services were absolute Bastards
....indtead of offering the support that I was desperate for, they lies and said that they would protect me.and my son

During this time, my mother was not allowed any contact with my son but that didn't stop her following us everywhere, attemping to collect my son from nursery when she was not allowed and even trtomg to get in on a medical appointment and s mothef/toddler group that I was taking part in.
She even paid one of the other mothers to report back what was said..apparently because I said that my son was not sleeping, I was exhausted and i could kill him that meant that I was a danger to him
I even tried to get the police to slap an harassmnt order on her but as it was my own mother apparently it was not true.

Out of the blue, I suddenly received solicitors papers notifying me that she had made a court app to obtain residence (custody) of my son shortly followed by papers for possession of my home/eviction.. The hearings for both were within 2 days.. I had to borrow thousands for a solicitor/ barrister while she had the best and I lost. I lost my precoius, wonderful, only son and my lovely home in the same week..i almost lost it and sadly I did attempt at this point to take my life..i spent 3 days in hospital feeling like shit and I never felt so alone and isolated or low in my entire life.
Fast forward 5 years and things have not got any better. I have been continually prevented from seeing my son.....even attempts to see school pics or reports have been stopped (he goes to private school and she pays the fees)
In the meantime I am struggling working part time on min wage with depression and a severe bad back (2.proplapsed.discs) and it seems like it's one thing after another. Everything is a continual, constant struggle...i don't have anyone and 8 feel so isolated alone and totally empty.
I am so desperate to be loved and wsnged. I am '43, I have fuck all.to offer anyone and I am going to be alone and lonely forever..
No one wants this depressed, sad Bitch and they never will..
All men ever want is to shag and nothing else

Ps. I am not on medication as I hate the side effects and I have had counselling.
I have also recently lost a job I loved and had been at for 8 years or more. I am devastated...i am pursuing a case of unfair dismissal through employment tribunal. Its one thing after another with nooooooo let up in my life ever. I feel likeI need to be cut a fucking break.
I've really had enough big time.

Any help would be so appreciated. I feel like I am just a short step away from breakdown atm.
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SS are there to support the children, Berry.

Oh bless you. Life sounds really hard for you.
Please get medication for the depression. Try different sorts until you find something that works. Things might seem a little less bleak then.

Maybe because he is a boy, your mother might treat your son differently. At some point he will be old enough to have an independent relationship with you. Hang on to that.

DoIDontIhavethetalk

SS haven't protected my son. They failed him and they failed me shamefully. They are clueless idiots.

Another point I would like to make for those of you that may not believe me or may want to incorrectly judge or think that there must be a 'reason' why my mother was given residence of my son. There was no 'reason'. I fought hard for my son, it took everything that I had emotionally and financially and broke me mentally in the process.
I adore my beautiful son, he is SO wanted and SO loved. He was well dressed, always clean..... I was actually a little OCD with this. I used to take 3 changes of clothes everywhere!!
He was fed very well with plenty of fruit/veg and organic stuff where I could afford it. I took him out as regularly as possible and I always, always hugged him and told him mummy loves him.
It was one hell of a struggle all of the time with little support, exhaustion and PND but I always put him first and I suffered badly and maybe even neglected myself to do so

I also wanted to add that throughout my life I have always worked very hard and I have good morals. I have never done anything illegal.
I know that there are those who will judge and I wanted to confirm those things because there will be those that think ohhh there must have been a reason. There wasn't other than my 'mother' is an evil Bitch

Op, this sounds horrendous, I can't quite fully understand,, your mum got custody as you couldn't provide a home, is that correct? Or was there more to it? You say you were a mess, what does this mean in reality?

Did you get any visitation rights? It's not really clear from your posts.

What do you want ro happen in the future? Sometimes focusing on what we want and how to get there is healthier than focusing on the past,and helps us move forward more.

Bluntness100

I was facing losing both my son and my home within a few short weeks of one another. We'd had two hideous and very stressful family court hearings and I was recovering from the 'abuse' and trying to get my head around why my mother would do all this to me with little support. Hiw do you think I felt??
I was severely, horrendously depressed, unable to focus and still dealing with verbal threats, abuse and her following me etc eye as well as social services meetings and legal paperwork that I knew very little about to cope with.
It was too much..... as I said it broke me. Now do you understand what a 'mess' means??

It has been one thing after another, one heap of crap to overcome after another in the 3 years since. I still haven't got a secure home and now no job either. Enough is enough, life needs to give me a fucking break.

OMG I am so sorry you have been through all of this. You must be amazingly strong to still be fighting your way through.
It goes without saying that you have been failed and let down by your mother and the system. She sounds like the worst kind of human.
I wish I had some useful advice for you. All I can say is that you need to focus on getting yourself into a better place, both emotionally and financially. If you can get yourself back on your feet with a decent job and home, then you will be in a stronger position to deal with your mother and getting your son back. I know you think after 3 years you may cause damage but, at the end of the day, you want what is best for him but your mother does NOT. He is better off with you. Please don't give up.

My life is constantly one mess after another, one huge problem and then another. I won't bring my son into my mess. He may not have any love with her, but he does have some stability and a fantastic education.
As social services, though useless are still involved to my knowledge and he goes to a school with very attentive teachers and very small class sizes, I think that if something were wrong, it would be noticed. I just hope to God she isn't treating him the same as she treated me.

Flaming, what I meant by that comment is that they seem to neglect the fact that non support of the parents is a major contributing factor in the well being of the child

Whilst I feel very sad for you, you clearly need to take some responsibility in all this. Children are not permanently removed from their mothers for minor reasons.
And you say the common denominator in all this is your mother- well, you are too.
Sure, life has been tough. But it now sounds like you need to 'fix' you. Go see a doctor. Get help. Stop blaming. You can't change other people but you can change how you react to and manage your problems. Be better. Be proactive about what you want in the future.....you can't change the past.

To clarify, was your son taken from you because you had severe depression?

I completely understand the need to come on here to rant, because I've done it too. But in the nicest possible way, ranting is not going to improve your life one jot and neither is sitting back and waiting for life to give you a break.

It's hard but I think you need to find a way to box off what you can't change, possibly through counselling, and begin to systematically tackle the things you can. Otherwise you will be back here ranting in a year or five years or ten years.

If seeing your ds is your priority, investigate how that might become a possibility and focus on your health, job and housing issues. One day your ds may come looking for you and when you say 'I tried really hard but eventually gave up because I didn't want to involve you in my messy life' his obvious response will be 'what did you do to make your life less messy in the intervening years?'

NOt helpful, Sparkly. Go and see a Dr - sadly the services just are not available. Counselling? Try a two year wait list.

Thank God for people like DoI who know what it's like.

It is very hard for people who have not experienced this level of horror (and subsequent poverty, on all levels) to even begin to comprehend how decimating events like this can be. The common denominator is a narcissist, op's mother.

Op, look at Melanie Tonia Evans to look at strategies to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Try to get some contact with your boy, even if it's an hour a week. Your mother is evil, you can't expect anything other than evil from her.

I wish I could be more help. I am so very sorry your life has been overshadowed by such darkness. I hope light shines on you now and in the future

Thank you for your support with regards to Sparkly's comments DoIDontI - much appreciated. Some people just have no idea what it is like to face these issues day after day.

I do have a job interview today. Not the job I want and not ideal, but it is something and the prospects/salary is good so I could do with some positivity tbh

Brilliant news op, I hope it went well.

Fwiw, incase you are interested, I recently finished a course of counselling sessions with a student in the final year of their studies. She was a mature student, in her 40s, who offered an hour of counselling for £10. I think she had to complete a certain number of hours to qualify or something, and has subsequently done so and set up as a private therapist charging £65ph. I contacted our further education college to find her, and she was brilliant.

Ok so the interview went very well, but soon after that more bad news from another horrible person in my life unfortunately

Re the classical /religious piece above. I happen to be part of the religion he's singing about but imo it isn't necessary to connect with light. Just tune into light/goodness /peace/help/solace - a higher power, it doesn't have to have a name - and cry out. Cry out from your heart. Cry out for light, solace, peace, a break. Do it regularly.

Springdaffs
With all due respect you believe what you want to believe in, but don't push it onto me. I don't believe in any of that crap and I sure as hell don't believe that it helps. Where is "God" when GOOD people.are going through hell through pain, illness loss or anything else eh, when children are teminally Ill or suffering horrors. He doesn't exist and I dont care if it is blasphemous to say if he does he is a selfish uncaring Arsehole.....may be strike me down IF he has the power.

OP. Your OP is so sad to read. I believe you completely and bloody hell you have gone through the mill!!! My only advice is to tell you to keep on keeping on. Make as good a life for yourself as you can. One day your boy will seek you out and you can tell him the truth. Hopefully that day will be soon. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you all so much for your supportive and reassuring comments. Unfortunately my week has gotten even worse if that were even possible, but your advice and support has helped pick me up just a little and I appreciate that so much.

I don't really have much to say other than I think you are incredible and strong, most people would have broken long ago. Use this gift you clearly have to get back on your feet again. You are clearly worth so much, sound a lovely caring person and although you have been dealt some rough cards it doesn't always have to be like this for you. Sending you hugs and flowers (sorry don't know how to get the pic) xx

Your situation is unbelievably sad. You have been through so much and losing your son must be awful and incredibly painful for you.
I think that previous posters are right when they say that you should try to heal yourself as a priority.
Perhaps when you are feeling a bit better you will be able to consider trying to get some contact with your son. Of course, getting a job and making yourself financially more secure and perhaps more suitable accommodation will all help you on the journey to having contact with your son.
I don't believe any of these events have been your fault. I think that you have been the victim of an abusive and manipulative parent.
It must be very hard, but I think that you have to try to look to the future and try to make these small positive steps. ( as you are doing) Thinking about past grievances can make people feel more distressed sometimes as they spin around your head and prevent progression and positivity. I'm not saying that as a criticism at all just that for your survival I think you have to focus on now and the future. Every small step should be celebrated and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I think you're doing amazingly well.