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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh using escorts

34 replies

Joanny · 03/09/2017 18:54

I've never posted here before-my youngest is 6 and I thought my parenting forum days were behind me but I don't know where else to turn as I'm so ashamed. I found quantities of cash going out of dhs account, and then payments to adult works. He tried to pretend it was just for porn then admitted he's several times met women for sex. He said its cos I've 'shut the door on sex' and that part of our life is dead to me. Sex is an issue in that he's always wanted more than me but I didn't realise it was this awful and tbh beyond angry that he didn't tell me things had got to the point where he was about to pay, rather than just diving in. He says to put myself in his shoes but I'm so upset with everything I can't. I should have seen this coming (no pun intended!) as he's always used porn a lot but that that, with the sex we do have albeit not that often (4 kids, full time jobs etc) that was enough. I can't bring myself to tell anyone IRL. I can't imagine being single (we've been together over 20 years!) or taking him out of the kids lives. I'm so upset, so angry, words actually fail me. I had to offload somewhere before starting to eve n think about what I want to do next.

OP posts:

Macncheesewithbacon · 03/09/2017 18:58

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Wise women will be here in a with great advice, but in the meantime I just wanted to tell you that you deserve better, that sex is not essential for men and they are not entitled to it and please have an sti check.

jeaux90 · 03/09/2017 19:04

I'm not surprised you are upset and furious. What he has done is completely unacceptable. He should have told you how bad he thinks things are and given your marriage a chance to work through those issues.

Sex is the glue that keeps you bonded in my opinion and I couldn't stay in a relationship if celibacy was being enforced on me but there is no excuse for what he has done.

yetmorecrap · 03/09/2017 19:08

She hasnt said they were celibate by the way!! Just he wanted more than he was getting. Totally unacceptable OP regardless of whether it was every day, once a week, once a moth ir once a year, if he was that bothered he should have manned up and said he wanted to separate as sex life for him was not good enough, giving you choices then!! As it is he spent family cash, put your health at risk and checked out!

Original poster

Joanny · 03/09/2017 19:11

We did have good sex, just dropped off (I feel like such a cliche) not helped by me being ill with low level but ongoing issues on and off. Can't bear to be in the house with him ATM so just walking round aimlessly waiting for it to sink in. Can't eat. Feel so sick.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 03/09/2017 19:11

Oh I don't know. Shutting the door and that part of the life is dead are pretty definitive statements but whatever the situation I said he should have been honest and not have pulled that kind of shit. Bloody awful.

jeaux90 · 03/09/2017 19:13

I couldn't forgive that. You won't be taking him out of their lives you will be co-parenting but it's early days. Only you can know whether you want to work through this or divorce him and it's too soon. You are probably in shock x

Original poster

Joanny · 03/09/2017 19:20

I don't know if I can forgive it properly or if I'll always imagine him with prostitutes every time I look at him. I know. Too early to make any decisions but I'm angry he's turning this into my fault.

OP posts:

Ttbb · 03/09/2017 19:25

Put yourself in his shoes? In his position a decent man wouldn't have used hookers at all let alone without telling you. What if he had given you done kind of horrible disease? He's a degenerate, you have every right to be furious for what he has done. Why don't you just call it quits romantically and only remain married in the sense of a domestic and parental partnership? That way he can go off and whore around without risking your health and lying about it. What a disgusting prick.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2017 19:25

Too early to make a decision ?

He's been using family money to shag prostitutes. Surely the decision is made ?

inlectorecumbit · 03/09/2017 19:30

^ this

Bombardier25966 · 03/09/2017 19:32

Your upset is understandable, it's horrid to even think about. Do you think this is something you can work through

sex is not essential for men

That's up to the individual, male or female. For many of us it is essential!

There's an incompatibility in OP and her husband's sex drives, that doesn't make one right and the other wrong, just different. The question OP and her husband need to work through now is whether they can bridge that gap somehow, or if it is a deal breaker.

(Not condoning him using prostitutes though, that's downright disrespectful.)

Bombardier25966 · 03/09/2017 19:34

Joanny, it should be him leaving the house, not you. Tell him he needs to stay elsewhere (at least) until you've had time to process.

Macncheesewithbacon · 03/09/2017 19:40

Bombardier - sex is not essential for anyone. OP has 4 kids, a ft job and has been ill. Communication is what was needed but he chose to meet a prostitute. And rather than support her you have implied that she holds some blame. You are wrong.

DownTownAbbey · 03/09/2017 19:42

You have every right to be furious, hurt and disgusted.

You now know what sort of a man he is and he's not nice:

He's a cheater
He's a liar
He's a gaslighting turd - you did not make him do this
He's happy to spend family money on servicing his dick
He's the kind of man who uses prostitutes therefore he sees women as fuck toys and doesn't care that a large percentage of women in the sex trade are not there because they love sex with seedy assholes.

Don't let him tell you it's your fault when he's been hiding who he really is all these years.

Original poster

Joanny · 03/09/2017 19:52

Thanks ladies! I thought I'd tried to talk about it all and that he'd say before he thought things were beyond repair, which this clearly tells me!. Clearly I was wrong but a bit late to talk now. His actions speak louder than words.

OP posts:

Original poster

Joanny · 03/09/2017 19:54

All these things you all say about him are exactly what I'd say to my friends if they were in this position but I can't match them to the man I've been with for 20 years

OP posts:

Brahms3rdracket · 03/09/2017 20:36

@Macncheesewithbacon no you are wrong, sex in a relationship is essential for many of us, just obviously not for you.

While I'm sympathic to anyone who has sex withdrawn from them without their agreement, seeing a prostitute is the end of a marriage IMO. Sorry OP

Original poster

Joanny · 03/09/2017 20:45

I did not withdraw sex!! We had great sex just not often enough, clearly!'

OP posts:

sparklymarion · 03/09/2017 20:51

We all have different sexual needs but if you've still been having sex with this man (and even if you hadn't he could have told you first) he needs throwing out.

He has slept with a prostitue!

Have you asked him why it may just be that he has an unusual sexual appetite and wants
Thing doing that he dosent want his wife to do.

Either way pack his bags !!!!

JustMumNowNotMe · 03/09/2017 20:54

Book yourself in at your nearest GUM clinic asap! What a wanker

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2017 20:57

Food and shelter are essential. Sex is a 'nice to have', not a human right.

yetmorecrap · 03/09/2017 20:58

Yep , please note it's the betraying OH who said about 'the door being shut' , not the Op, this isn't a case of 'no' sex, it's just a guy who wanted it totally on tap more than the OP, that's not the same as 'none' . OP, I find one of the worst things about betrayal be it affairs or this kind of crap is the fact that you just can't equate the person doing it with the person you know, it's like you have been living with a weird secretive stranger for a long time and that's very hard to live with

Macncheesewithbacon · 03/09/2017 21:00

Brahms - I didn't say sex wasn't important to me, it isn't essential for anyone - otherwise how do single people cope?

I wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship but OP didn't have that with this man and if he was unhappy he should have discussed the issue and if it couldn't be resolved separated. We agree that his behaviour is unacceptable but you misunderstood my post.

TresDesolee · 03/09/2017 21:02

Hang on. Yes some people REALLY need sex/more sex than they're getting.

The OP's issue isn't about an imbalance in sex drives between her and her husband. That was something the two of them together could have worked on.

The OP's issue is that her husband is a liar, a cheater and a user of sex workers.

OP, you need to ditch him. Speak to a solicitor, find out what your rights are and just tell him it's over and you're getting divorced. He won't stop doing this.

Cambionome · 03/09/2017 21:08

His behaviour has been absolutely disgusting. Don't let him put the blame on you!

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