this evening in the custy marriage<<its a huge offload thing>>

[custy]

Had day off work cos I worked Saturday. he?s not through the door 5 mins when I say that I will need to get money for marriage guidance ? fuckin ell how much? about £75 says I - two weeks - ? fuckin ell,?..? ? oh I thought you would have known? says I jokily, ?as you?ve got a handle on the money ( har har?)? mock voice (me) ? oh we don?t need to talk about money because I know it all?

He shouts.

I tell him he?s a knob head.

He goes watches tv. And dd goes on the computer - dh has a go at her because she?s moved into another room as soon as he sat down - prolly because she knew damned well he would turn the telly over - anyway - so he says ? what?s your problem its not like you?ve done piss all today!? at which point I come in from kitchen and say ?are you intimating piss alls been done?? he says
? I wasn?t talking to you - I was talkin? to her?

I carry on with the tea I?m making, then tell him he will have to finish it off as I have to et ready for marriage guidance ? right? he says - I get ready, and go.

Whilst there talked about how he wont try and make an effort - we don?t talk about real stuff - we are skirting around things and quite frankly he cant be arsed.

So get home he puts my hot tea out and a cup of coffee, we don?t speak he sits out of my eye line and not in a spot out of the five remaining which is conducive t o conversation in anyway

He tells me about the spec for the new contract - I listen to mitre joints and other workman stuff

Its forced
Its intermittent.
Its dull
Its certainly not the issue

?right then!? says he what dya want to do? - watch tv, puter take dog for a walk?
? watch tv? says I he goes into living room takes the remote control off dd and of course she moans she?s in the middle of watching something. ? fuckinell can?t please these kids? says he ? may I suggest ? says I ? that you were in the wrong.?
?she?s watching two programmes?
?mum its on the ADVERTS!?

I sit there
We sit there
In silence

For ages.
Not speaking
Its not the first time

He slams his hand down on the table grabs his book and says nastily ? I?m going to read? and went off to the bedroom

You see I think he thinks I haven?t tried because he put my tea out - he tried with the small talk, however what?s really going on is that there are some fundamental issues at the core of this marriage - he is ignoring. He is ignoring them and ironically its getting worse - its not going away - after our usual 17 years of rowing we could get up next morning it would all just be forgotten - usually - this isn?t going anywhere

Oh and just so I don?t forget - he has no patience. Still, I tried for what could have been 30 secs to pick up a piece of bacon on my plate ? oh pick it up for god sake? said in that ....I am annoyed?oh shit ...I realise and...end the sentence with a chuckle - kinda way.

We went out at weekend - he got pissed off because of the amount of time I took to line up my pool shots.

Yesterday he has to pick up ds1 and we were watching a film - I pause the film to go in search of my asthma spray - ? you can?t do that,? says he - ? I have to go pick up ds1 there wont be time?
?well need my asthma spray says I? he has face of thunder I start the film and move past him to find my asthma spray - he realises in a split second he was being a twat and says ? I??ll find it - I?ll find it?
? I don?t get it, if your finding it then your missing the movie anyway??
Yes but I?ll see the end?

He has to have last word - I used to fight - he would tell you different and absolutely believe it in his head. Now I?m at the stage that I?m worried that I don?t give a shit

I?m worried I?m not wailing and screaming and crying. Where?s the emotion? I think he wants out - more than one occasion he?s screamed at me ? just say it , just say it? (divorce) but I refuse - I refuse to be that person in history the one he can point at and say ? she ended our marriage?

When it was his actions and inaction that is bringing it to an end.

what we need is an honest discussion and we are both scared. he is working all day tomorrow

i have an evening meeting.

i wont get home until around 10pm - and its too late - and i'm too knackered by that point to have a real discussion.

which means wednesday. by which time i probably wont be as determined.

this all made me feel very sad
FWIW i thought i saw something of myself in your tone, a sort of distant slightly aloof feeling that usually comes on when i'm hurting bad. but rather then get into what hurts or feel any of the pain i step back and a little voice in my head takes up this almost cynical/critical commentary. don't know whether this has any resonance for you at all but the way forward for me is usually to start facing up to what really hurts. somewhere. deep down. never easy.
whether this helps or not, good luck and big hug

Custy - can you not join some free clubs?

What interests you? What would you like to spend your time doing?

A book club?

Amatuer dramatics?

Sports?

Local politics?

Flower arranging

What floats your boat?

Fwiw I think that dp has sensed my mental shift iyswim, he is a bit scared that I will leave him and although I have said it before, this time I haven't actually vocalised it but internally I have realised that even though I love him dearly I do not have to spend the rest of my life with someone who is as self obsessed as my dp. He has sensed this and is being nicer iyswim. I just really really irritated him when I was nagging and needy. Now I'm not so he is feeling less secure perhaps, it is good for him

prufrock. Glad things are better now. I think Mr custy might be finding the emotions hard too. He is a man after all. [sexist but some truth in it sometimes?]

I do think on a really boring practical level you guys need to get out together more- I know fun is probably the last thing on your minds because things feel shit but i don't think it sounds like there's much space for you guys to be alone, discuss things, have fun. Are you still playing pool together? Waklking the dog on the beach together? Can you save some dosh and do some dating? Sounds like there's lots of heavy emotion at counselling and importantly as you grapple with difficult issues day to day but if you're going to stay together you also need to rebuild the capacity to have good times too, I think.

oh custy is it a typical man thing where they try not to be pro active, or just dont know how to be? what was it that happened in december? or dont you want to say? but is the blame lieing at his door and not yours? and yet you are making all the effort to put things right?

Crack on with marriage guidance. i think you have to think you are giving it your best shot. After all said and done you have 17 yrs behind you and three children. It has to be worth the effort, no matter how draining xx

x posts with pru and soaps. Board games sound good. Remember how boys like alongside talk? You told me that I think! He's a grown up boy. He might not take to the eyeball to eyeball sort it out route as well as women do.

Prufrock

Board games/cards etc sound like fun?

Would get him away from the computer too!

You've given so many of us such good advice custy, it makes me very sad to read this thread and see how little you are appreciated by your dh .
I read carmenere's tips with great interest and think they are well worth a try.
Sending you lots of love if not much practical advice.

oh custy

not much to say, but didn't want to read and run. there's some good advice on here. especially whoever was talking about your life partner being a mirror image of you, something to work on. you want to shake him don't you? wake him up, see what he's throwing away. i hope the counselling helps. could you both go away at all? for a weekend? so no kids under your feet adding to the stress. just a thought.

You are not alone, as you can tell from the respondents on this thread.

The fact that you are bothering to go to marriage guidance speaks volumes. As they say: the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. You may feel you can't be arsed, and he may appears as though he can't be arsed either, but you are still going. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother. You will know when it's dead in the water and then you can quit trying.

thats actually quite encouraging GOHW bizarrly!

hi custy,
i've always been a huge admirer of your very good advice

you can't make someone want something but i think you want him to see what he'll be missing, and so i think carmenere's advice is very good. when he doesn't get your attention (good or bad) because you're enjoying yourself perhaps he'll get a wake up call. he'll see that life carries on beyond him and your lives together and that if he doesn't start making an effort he'll get left behind.

i think you have to break the cycle of argueing however completely annoying and irritating that might be. and if he ignores you, carry on happily doing your own thing.

i'm sorry you're going through this and i hope things work out.

Oh dear Custy - you certainly sound determined atm.

Does DH not attend marriasge guidance with you?

Sorry, didn't read whole thread before posting. Carmenere's post are spot on imho

Sorry to hear about your problems custy - nothing really to add to all the good advice you have been given... but I would urge you to continue to go to counselling, even/especially on your own - I have a couple of friends who did that and it has helped them work out what they wanted... which has to be a good starting point....

Loads of women I have seen in this situation have not actually got the 'bloke' to realise the seriousness of it all until they packed bags/served divorce papers. I am not saying your DH is like this Cust, he might not be, but some men think you are 'just having a whinge IYKWIM'. Again, not very helpful but an observation I have made. I am trying to make you feel bettter too

sorry to read this Custy. I don't have any advice but wanted to add my support.

i've done that UCM - hence why i am expecting the effort from him. I cant go into detail but something terrible happened and ihad to leave.

i came back on the proviso of Marriage guidence, and a couple of other things i cant mention twill give it away.

its just if in his position - that i created the end of the world - so to speak - i think i'd really go out of my way to prove that things are better

anyway i sent him an e-mail to read this evening and we had a short discussion. I told him that communication is key and that speaking over dodgy mobile phones whilst we were supposed to be doing something else wasn't good enough.

its up to him to sort out the where and when we sit and have a decent discussion - made it clear not tonight after work - i might have been screamed at by a load of people in a meeting and come home mightily pissed off or tearful

Oh custy, I'm sorry you are going through this.
I really hope that you & DH can sort things out.xx

Custy it really does sound like things are make or break now. I didn't realise you had already left and then come back.

I hope he gets his finger out and arranges a time and place to sit down and talk properly.

I don't want to sounds stupid but i really do like you, you give such sound advice and are hysterically funny alot of the time - it's seems such a shame you are going through this

good luck custy. it does sound like he's got to pull his finger out and by not doing so HE has made the decision that your marriage is at an end.

it sounds like it's ultimatum time?

Sorry to hear you're having problems and hope you manage to work them out.

I'm another who love your posts, especially about teenagers and have put a lot of your advice into practice.

There's only you know what's gone on between your and your hubby - what advice would you be giving if you were replying to someone else?

Anyway - keep your chin up.

Custy babe, much love. Fancy a beer with me and Noddy if we can sort it? xxxxxxxx

Hi Mabs I am pretty free this week so could meet you and custy quite easily as dp has a week off starting tues xx