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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Widower & The Divorcee

34 replies

SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 16:11

No, it's not the title of a steamy novel. Nor is it entirely accurate, as i am not yet divorced, but the fact of the matter is that I'm in a relationship of sorts with a wonderful man who happens to be a widower. It feels odd writing that word as he hates anyone using it to define him, but that is what he is. And the first anniversary of his wife's death has only just passed. I have been separated from my husband for a considerable time, a loveless marriage that was long past it's best and we are all (two kids) much happier already. Or so I thought...

The relationship I am in is the love affair of my life. I have found the man I want to grow old with. I am whole. Sadly, although he feels a lot for me, his heart is 'broken and may never work again'. Yet we both cannot imagine a world without the other in it, I entered this with my eyes wide open. So why am I sad and seeking the help of the great mumsnet community? Because I am so deeply in love with this man that I cannot see the wood for the trees. I know in my heart that he jumped into this too soon. We also work together so we have this delicious secret yet all I want to do is shout from the rooftops that I've found my home, my one. And we can't.

We both have two children each. His are young, one not even in school. Mine are both in primary school. We don't even live near each other. We argue like loons on text because we don't exist to the outside world - so much of our time 'together' is via our iPhone screens on text. But together we are invincible. And it's dragging me down. I want to make it work but my heart is breaking because I think he will realise it can't work and he can never love me. And I understand that completely. He worries that our situation will drive me away and all the times I say 'no, it's fine, I can't commit to more than we have anyway', I'm lying to us both.

But my vulnerable heart is open to him. He knows how I feel and I will break in two when he realises he cannot do it. I'm already starting to break. So my quandary is this: do I stay, trying, partially having him him to the detriment of my own heart? Waiting? Or do I stop now, hurting us both but in the long run possibly a healthier choice for him? Just writing this breaks my heart.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/09/2017 16:14

Gosh, this is very dramatic, isn't it?

So you've fallen in love with someone not long after his wife's died. He's got small children. Obviously he's not ready to fall in love yet. He's got an awful lot on his plate.

Now you can do one of two things. You can stay with the drama and you can end up losing him. That's inevitable, I'm afraid. Most people don't want that level of drama in their lives. The alternative is to be a great friend to him. Don't rush him. Don't talk about love - can you imagine how he feels when his wife's just died? Be a friend. Be a companion. Stop bloody texting and have a proper conversation with him. And then wait and see what happens in a year or two.

Girlywurly · 03/09/2017 16:20

I agree with the previous poster.

Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 16:24

Good points all well made. I've not posted on mumsnet, before. The swift replies are unexpected. To clarify, we do talk all the time. Every morning, every night, at work. But a lot of weekend contact is on text. We started as friends and we've always held that friendship as incredibly important regardless of everything else. I don't intend to sound dramatic - perhaps I pitched my chat wrong, as I said above I'm a newbie here. Thank you again though.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/09/2017 16:24

What's the compelling event here? Is there one? Can you not just wait, enjoy what you have and see what happens given time?

lookatyourwatchnow · 03/09/2017 16:26

The way you articulate yourself is very dramatic, OP. Is this the way that you have been sharing your thoughts with your new partner?

QuiteLikely5 · 03/09/2017 16:28

I don't understand what the problem is? Why can't this work? There is no threat?

Or is he embarrassed to have a partner so soon ? Or why the secrecy

FoxyinherRoxy · 03/09/2017 16:28

Oh Sally, it's very early days and he isn't (and may never be) able to accept his loss yet.

How practical, realistically, is this relationship? I can't help but wonder if it simply isn't your time yet? And it is all about time.

Relationships change over time. It's all unchartered water for both of you.

I don't really have any helpful advice but I'm in a similar situation but a couple of years in.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 16:29

You met him at the wrong time. His head is somewhere else.
It will never be the right time, he is not ready. Take your distance and let him grieve.

Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 16:29

No. We are very open with each other and it isn't dramatic. Sadly I admit I'm in communications. Like I say, perhaps I need to tone down posts on here, I've not posted before. Basically reading between my dramatic lines, I'm just seeking some sharing. As you can imagine, we are a secret. I can't talk about us to anyone.

OP posts:
thisfamily · 03/09/2017 16:35

do I detect a troll?

Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 16:38

Me? No I'm really not. I'm just all out of energy trying to work this out.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/09/2017 16:39

How long have you been involved in a relationship?

QuiteLikely5 · 03/09/2017 16:39

Why are you a secret?

Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 16:45

About five months. And we work together - one secret. Also he doesn't want people to judge him this soon since his wife.

OP posts:
StatueInTheSky · 03/09/2017 16:46

presumably he has inlaws who will disapprove and out heroine and her truelove are secret starcrossed lovers.

This is like a chicklit shitey novel all this drama and pent up longing.

Pull yourself together, knock off the hearts and flowers and support this man as a friend....not even a year and you are all over him like a cheap polyester frock, I'd be chary of taking on anyone out of a standard relationship at that notice tbh.

TwitterQueen1 · 03/09/2017 16:52

Your post reads like you're aiming to be the next Danielle Steel OP..... or a potential plot for your bookclub.

I don't really understand the problem here tbh. Can't you both just see where things take you? It's only been 5 months... What's the rush? OK, things aren't ideal with the 2 of you working together, but what, exactly is wrong with simply getting to know each other over time

KatyBerry · 03/09/2017 16:52

my mum drove a friend of hers to a funeral as the friend was too ill to drive. She met the widower there and they became "close friends" soon afterwards. They were in a relationship (of some sort, they were both comfortably into their 70s so I don't want to dwell too much on what sort) and he sat by her bed daily when she had cancer and went to her home most evenings for dinner. This went on for about two years, until he very suddenly passed away. My mum went to the funeral, and not one person there knew of her / who she was. He was unable to tell his friends and family that he'd met someone so embarrassingly close to the death of his wife. It was awful for my mother - she felt like the guilty secret with no reason to grieve and feel a loss.

the reason i'm telling this somewhat unrelated tale is that you should be prepared for him not to want to accept your relationship in public for a long time, particularly with such young children involved.

another20 · 03/09/2017 16:52

Wow. Its all about you and how wonderfully ecstatic you are, desperate to fast forward his grief.

This poor grieving man must be devastated to loose his wife, best friend and mother of his children so recently. To watch his tiny children without their mother day in day out must be hideous.

IME grief gets worse before it gets better (just settles) - talking years.

Give this family some love and respect. Give them the time and space to process their grief.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 16:54

Such a chicklit shitey novel that I can't believe it is real and I feel she is having us on! he is not emotionally available. Move on and question yourself what makes you fall for unavailable men.

Emmageddon · 03/09/2017 17:16

Stop the incessant texting, allow this man to grieve for his wife, let him be there for his children, don't encroach on what spare time he has. It's too soon for another relationship, and even if you think he is The One, he quite obviously doesn't harbor the same intense feelings.

Back off. If you can't be a friend to him, without hankering for more, then the last thing he needs is someone like you in his life.

LanaDReye · 03/09/2017 17:20

You have a need for a relationship, he has a need to grieve.

You could be with him for years before he can tell you if you are right for him. Do you really want to wait on a back-burner for years?

Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 17:25

I'm sorry my writing style has upset people. Please be kind, I'm not on here to create anger. Ok so I used flowery language, the thing I posted on is real enough for me to put it out there. Just to add, this has all been led by him. Not me. I've not stalked him, all contact is driven by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyAlbright1 · 03/09/2017 17:30

Thank you all. It's been eye-opening but I guess I did open myself up to it. Most of you are reiterating what I know but assumptions about me chasing him down and not leaving him alone are wrong. It's been good to get external thoughts on it though.

OP posts:
lookatyourwatchnow · 03/09/2017 17:47

What do you want or expect from him?! His wife and mother of his pre-school age children hasn't even been dead for a year.

Brown76 · 03/09/2017 17:51

Does he know how intense your feelings are? I think it would be healthy and give you the best chance of a future together if you found ways of calming everything down. He's lovely, but he's not available so you should look at dating other people, seeing /making other friends, maybe getting another job, cutting down the texts. Otherwise I can't see how this isn't going to end up ruining what you have.