No, it's not the title of a steamy novel. Nor is it entirely accurate, as i am not yet divorced, but the fact of the matter is that I'm in a relationship of sorts with a wonderful man who happens to be a widower. It feels odd writing that word as he hates anyone using it to define him, but that is what he is. And the first anniversary of his wife's death has only just passed. I have been separated from my husband for a considerable time, a loveless marriage that was long past it's best and we are all (two kids) much happier already. Or so I thought...
The relationship I am in is the love affair of my life. I have found the man I want to grow old with. I am whole. Sadly, although he feels a lot for me, his heart is 'broken and may never work again'. Yet we both cannot imagine a world without the other in it, I entered this with my eyes wide open. So why am I sad and seeking the help of the great mumsnet community? Because I am so deeply in love with this man that I cannot see the wood for the trees. I know in my heart that he jumped into this too soon. We also work together so we have this delicious secret yet all I want to do is shout from the rooftops that I've found my home, my one. And we can't.
We both have two children each. His are young, one not even in school. Mine are both in primary school. We don't even live near each other. We argue like loons on text because we don't exist to the outside world - so much of our time 'together' is via our iPhone screens on text. But together we are invincible. And it's dragging me down. I want to make it work but my heart is breaking because I think he will realise it can't work and he can never love me. And I understand that completely. He worries that our situation will drive me away and all the times I say 'no, it's fine, I can't commit to more than we have anyway', I'm lying to us both.
But my vulnerable heart is open to him. He knows how I feel and I will break in two when he realises he cannot do it. I'm already starting to break. So my quandary is this: do I stay, trying, partially having him him to the detriment of my own heart? Waiting? Or do I stop now, hurting us both but in the long run possibly a healthier choice for him? Just writing this breaks my heart.