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Relationships

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Original poster

Getting married next month - no sex

54 replies

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:21

Should I cancel the wedding?

I'm the one not wanting sex. It's not him. It's me. I've never enjoyed it. Can't be arsed frankly.

He says he's gotten use to it but I can't go through with this can I? It's not fair to him.

OP posts:

Fudgit · 03/09/2017 15:24

It doesn't sound great, no. Does he genuinely not mind? Some people might be ok with it.

Is it just him you don't want sex with or do you just have no sex drive? Is the sex with him bad, have you ever enjoyed it (with him or generally)?

Original poster

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:28

Always had painfully low libido. No depression before anyone asks! I've tried hormonal contraceptives and not being on them but no difference. It's just me.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 03/09/2017 15:33

I think, in your position, I'd be doing some serious thinking before I cancelled anything.

Have you spoken to your GP to see if there's a medical reason behind it? Have you been like this with all your partners or is it just him? Could it be that you don't really fancy him? How is your relationship? Does he do his share or are you left to do everything and are just too knackered or don't want to have sex with a man child?

If everything is fine and you just don't have a very high sex drive, what is his sex drive like? If it's higher, what are your boundaries? Does he completely understand that going elsewhere for sex is not an option?

Original poster

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:34

I've also had sex therapy.

I just don't want it. I've had several (10) partners between ages 16-29 now and I've never enjoyed it.

It really is just me and the way I'm wired.

OP posts:

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 15:35

Ohshiz There might be several reasons: you just don't have the chemistry with him.
Have you felt really sexually attracted by someone before?
Either way, I think you are doing him and yourself a favour by cancelling the marriage. If you wait it will get even more hurtful for both of you and there might be a child in the middle.

Original poster

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:36

He doesn't bother initiating anymore because he knows it won't happen but I know it bothers him. He'll be 37 in a couple of weeks, I asked him what he wants for his bday - "a blow job". Great.

OP posts:

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 15:37

he is clearly missing it. leave before he becomes hugely resentful.

OrphanAccount · 03/09/2017 15:40

So you never want sex and don't enjoy it. Do you think you're asexual? It's ok if you are but i would think very carefully about marriage to a sexual person. It doesn't sound as if it would work.

If he was aware that you might never want sex with him at all ever, would he still want to go ahead with the wedding?

Original poster

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:40

I know he masturbates which is obviously fine so he's getting orgasms im just not involved!

OP posts:

Bobbins43 · 03/09/2017 15:42

Call it off. Or postpone it at least. You need to be sexually compatible with someone if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with them.

This won't end well.

Original poster

ohshiz · 03/09/2017 15:42

I don't get it.
Intimacy - a cuddle or handhold
Orgasm - masturbation

Something he pisses out of into something I bleed from? No ta.

I have had sex, lots of times, with several partners, two kids with current partner. But always feel the same way. Can't be arsed.

OP posts:

Cheburashka86 · 03/09/2017 15:45

Really not fair to go through with it IMO. I'm sure you love each other but you won't be happy in the long term with such different needs.

You could postpone for now and keep working on things but it's not a good idea to go into a marriage with significant doubts like this.

teaortequila23 · 03/09/2017 15:53

"Ohshiz" I have always had a high sex drive till I got pregnant and all of a sudden it died for 3years it's just come back a few months ago I'm pretty sure it was a hormonal thing could this be with you too?
Also same thing happened with my DP he just stopped asking/ initiating as he got fed up being turned down. Now I pretty much initiate sex but I don't mind.

TatianaLarina · 03/09/2017 15:54

It's up to him really. If he loves you enough that he'd rather be with you with no sex, then that's his choice.

Some people, for example choose to marry someone disabled who can't have sex.

He might be really distressed for you to end it down to something that doesn't bother him as much as you think it does.

On the other hand if he's just in denial hoping that things will change, you need to be frank with him. If he's always hankering after a bj that you don't want to give, that's not going to work.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 15:58

Do you think you might be asexual?

OlderGolder · 03/09/2017 16:00

is he your children's father? even if he is, I think you should draw up a co-parenting agreement rather than go down this route. Or, maybe, tell him before the wedding, right, you knwo I don't want to sleep with you and yet you want to marry me. Do you really want this?

Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 03/09/2017 16:04

Would you be fine about him going elsewhere for sex? After you are married?

LML83 · 03/09/2017 16:13

You have 2 kids that is a much bigger commitment than marriage ceremony.

If he is willing to go through with it as things are why wouldn't you? He obviously values the other parts of your relationship enough to still want it.

Talk to him to reassure your self he is happy but don't make any rash decisions.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 16:22

no sex would be a deal breaker for me. I doubt he will last.

WinchestersInATardis · 03/09/2017 16:34

For me, going without sex in a relationship would be a dealbreaker but that's me. Plenty of people aren't interested in sex at all. Some couples need it everyday, others are quite happy doing it once a year. Or never. It's what suits both of you that's important.
It seems that you're perfectly happy with that and he's said he's grown used to it and wants to marry you regardless. If you're both fine to go into a sexless marriage, I don't see a problem with that.
It's the fact that you think your DP does really want sex that's the problem, and tbh that's something you really need to talk to him about. Are you concerned that he'll think he made a mistake going into a sexless marriage? That he'll try get it elsewhere? That you'll feel guilted into having sex when you don't want it?
Honestly, while MN can offer some advice, I think this is something that can only be resolved by having a long and frank discussion with your partner.

GoldenOrb · 03/09/2017 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 03/09/2017 17:27

Tell him exactly how you feel and make a joint decision over the wedding

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 17:33

Your joint decision is what is most important and that talk is much needed.
My opinion is that it is somewhat selfish to want to marry and deny your partner a sex life just because you want their companionship. Unless you keep it an open relationship where he can get his needs met somewhere else.

MistressDeeCee · 03/09/2017 18:03

Call it off. You aren't sexually compatible.. Your needs are different. Years down the line when you're older there will be massive resentment. & even though you don't like or want sex Im pretty sure you won't like it if he finds himself a sex/sexual partner. Are you marrying him for security? If so thats not fair either. It won't end well

Leave him alone to find someone compatible with him. You're not the one.

& the responses would be entirely different if you were a man posting you didn't want sex with a woman you intend to marry next month! You'd be told you were selfish, unreasonable etc. Still at least you are thinking and wondering about situation so you've time to do the right thing. Besides if your heart was really in it, you wouldn't be indecisive at this stage. & nothing in your words stands out to say that you even love this man

yetmorecrap · 03/09/2017 18:10

You aren't on your own OP, I am now 55 and not bothered either, I wish I was , I've always been ok first 2 or 3 years in a relationship and then it just kind of feels like that itch has been scratched

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