Great guy, sex awful

[Cahu58]

Please help me!

I had an awful divorce 9 years ago, been mostly happily single since. Had a couple of shortish relationships but nothing serious. My 2 DD's are now 16 and 20 and it seems now or never to try to meet someone.

So I've been in touch with a lovely guy who lives about an hour away. We have spent quite a lot of time together over the summer and definitely have a connection.

However the sex has been awful. I dont think he has much experience with women despite having a 20 year relationship which broke down a couple of years ago.

Can I carry on hoping it will improve or am I wasting our time...? He seems to be happy to carry on and likes me very much. I'm a youthful 54 and still would like a decent sex life but he is so lovely in other areas that I just don't know what to do.

Thisfamily, that brought a tear to my eye, thank you!

Rightknockered, it's good to know... !

Emeraldisle, I am looking for more, just hope I can find it!

Physically you can't force attraction. I've been in the situation where I found myself staying in a relationship because they were lovely but there was no spark. I broke it off when I realised it was unfair to them and they deserved someone who felt that way about them. I should have done it sooner and felt like a real shithead for dragging it out and hurting them more in the process.

There's more to life than this OP. I'd have to bin him off. Sex is really important in a relationship & if it isn't frequent & fantastic you have every right to kick him in to touch. Don't settle for 2nd best

No spark/shit kisser/shit sex > just a friend.

rightknockered is on the money.

I'm 40 soon. I'm picky now. Got to have that spark, and great sex has to be part of the package.

I've had great sex with many men aged 50+. That said you are allowed to date younger men too!

Sounds like he's had so much history/stress with erection issues that once he gets one he thinks that's game, set & match. Round of applause.

If you want to pursue this relationship because there are other motivating factors, my advice would be to quickly take the erection completely out of the equation.

Back to sexy basics. Lots of oral, lots of silly, lots of sensuous stuff. Take the pressure for PIV sex off altogether.

If you can be bothered. Sounds like he (and his willy) got a bit to used to wanking. That kind of physical conditioning takes a fair bit of patience to undo. I guess I'd be looking for other clues (and not red flags) that he's open to change/improvement in other areas. If he's an 'old dog' all round, then new tricks are unlikely, no matter how patient you are.

seriously... nobody wants to train a man over 50 ....

You're more than welcome Cahu I'm the same age as you - it's all good! It will happen for you - Here's to you having a LOVELY time
You are most definately not being selfish at all. xxx

Why is he in bed with a t shirt on? Does he sleep in it too? That alone would be off-putting for me.

Confidence?

Double standards again because I often see posts on here where a woman is self conscious about droopy boobs or a post baby tummy and the advice is often to keep a bra on or to wear a baby doll or something to cover up until she feels more confident.

She also gets told that any man worth having will just be grateful to have her in bed and will understand.

I've even seen it said that a decent man won't even ask why she is covering up.

And here is a man doing the same and the OP is being told that it is "off putting" and questioning why he's wearing it.

Nice.

I would personally prefer an imperfect body. Or the chance to reassure him.

You can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone though, so in reality the t-shirt is a red herring.

Can take a while with a new partner. If you enjoy his company in other ways then you might be able and willing to work on the sex. You could do other things (that you like) if he's not immediately aroused. But you're not obliged to stay with someone you're not attracted to.

May I suggest toys if you plan on persevering? These can cause laughter as well as other pleasures and may help ease nervousness

I dont think he has much experience with women despite having a 20 year relationship
despite --> because of? Maybe settled down with the first person he went to bed with multiple times? Me too - really wish I'd slept around more when young :) but I'm making up for it as I approach 50. Current bf is 54 and a lot more experienced, also has no problems keeping it up.

He's definitely single, yes? Definitely not guilty thoughts about other partner waiting for him to come back from his business meeting?

he needs to go see a doctor and take responsibility for his penis.

he needs to go to the doctors and take responsibility for his penis yes, this. Viagra is amazing stuff and could give him a new lease of life.

I have slept with a 52 years old (much older than me) and it was pretty amazing, I think viagra was involved.

Another one taking hope from fullofhopes post!!

Ha! Mine wears a t-shirt and track pants in winter!
Seems he has no more interest in sex with me (he's had 3 seizures in past 4 yrs) and it's gone down the drain since then. ....but he drools when passing attractive women!?
He used Viagra before the seizures then stopped taking it. I don't blame him.
I think he jerks off to porn. No proof but just a guess.
He was in a 15 yr relationship the she left.
I don't think he's into sex but used to hand jobs (his own) 😕

Most guys find it easier in the a.m.
If he has ED issues, he will lack confidence
I have this situation with my guy.
He's also had seizures which makes things even worse