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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Great guy, sex awful

73 replies

Cahu58 · 03/09/2017 11:52

Please help me!

I had an awful divorce 9 years ago, been mostly happily single since. Had a couple of shortish relationships but nothing serious. My 2 DD's are now 16 and 20 and it seems now or never to try to meet someone.

So I've been in touch with a lovely guy who lives about an hour away. We have spent quite a lot of time together over the summer and definitely have a connection.

However the sex has been awful. I dont think he has much experience with women despite having a 20 year relationship which broke down a couple of years ago.

Can I carry on hoping it will improve or am I wasting our time...? He seems to be happy to carry on and likes me very much. I'm a youthful 54 and still would like a decent sex life but he is so lovely in other areas that I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Smeaton · 03/09/2017 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 03/09/2017 12:31

Sounds like he needs to see his GP - he may have low testosterone levels which won't help. I'm 51 so a similar age to you. I wouldn't be hanging around. Great sex is one of my pre-requisites for any relationship.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 12:33

You don't fancy him. Don't you think you deserve better than having to train a grown man you don't fancy to turn you on? Are you so bored you feel like you have to take on a person as a project? Stop wondering what him do xyz, how to fix him, him, him, him and start focusing on you and how you deserve someone you fancy and great sex. His problems are his to solve, not yours.

Original poster

Cahu58 · 03/09/2017 12:34

Yes he only seems to be able to get an erection in the morning. Writing this down has made it clear to me....I wasn't that physically attracted to him and was hoping that when we had sex it would be great. It wasn't and I've been getting slightly more disinterested in him ever since. Is it an age thing? Are all 50 something guys like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cahu58 · 03/09/2017 12:35

Ok expat, I probably need straight talking, thanks for that, you're right.

OP posts:

IfYouHappenToSee · 03/09/2017 12:36

At the ripe old age of 42, I have decided that:

If I don't feel comfortable talking to a man about sex, then I shan't be doing the sex with him either.

I will tell him what I do and don't like because life is too short to hope someone takes the hint or to put up with sex that isn't working for you.

I've been seeing someone younger and less experienced than me for a couple of months now. But it's the best sex I've ever had. Why? Because we communicate openly and he has said he likes the fact I'll just tell him what I like/want/don't like/don't want. It means that he doesn't have to wonder either.

But if you just don't fancy him enough...

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:36

Well said expat. he is no spring chicken, so I would question his motivation to do something about it. It is not for you to mother him with his difficulties

hmcAsWas · 03/09/2017 12:37

"as I don't think I fancy him enough to teach him..!"

You need to friend zone him. I was in a long term relationship with a man who was a great guy, but I didn't really fancy him and the sex was average. Predictably enough I ultimately went off sex completely which caused a great deal of hurt and resentment (and relationship implosion)

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 12:38

I'd end this now OP.. you want someone compatible in every way at this stage on your life.. no compromises...

ferrier · 03/09/2017 12:39

No - not all 50-something year olds are like this.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 12:40

You don't fancy him. That's no crime. Don't you think you deserve better than having to train a grown man you don't fancy to turn you on? Are you so bored you feel like you have to take on a person as a project? Stop wondering what him do xyz, how to fix him, him, him, him and start focusing on you and how you deserve someone you fancy and great sex. His problems are his to solve, not yours.

Original poster

Cahu58 · 03/09/2017 12:40

Thanks everyone, honest straight forward advice from the vipers! I know what I have to do ...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 12:41

Sorry for double post

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/09/2017 12:42

No, all 50 year men are not like this! You don't fancy him so it's time to move on. It's great that you are interested in having a sexual relationship so don't let go of this aim.

Be honest with him and tell him that the chemistry just isn't there. You don't need to drill down to the nitty gritty.

I hope you find someone who you fancy madly!

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:43

Cahu58 it's true we bite sometimes but we love you and you deserve to be happy.

TashaRomanoff · 03/09/2017 12:49

Great guy, awful sex.......you'd be pretty selfish to dump a great guy just because of awful sex

rightknockered · 03/09/2017 12:51

I'd have just ripped his t-shirt off!
You're not selfish to dump a guy you are not sexually compatible with, or don't fancy enough, or because the sex is awful, or any reason at all.
If he won't take his t-shirt off, he probably has intimacy issues.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 12:51

'you'd be pretty selfish to dump a great guy just because of awful sex hmm'

And pretty stupid to think you're obligated to stay with someone you don't fancy and put up with shit sex for the duration of your relationship or life just because he's a 'great guy'.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 12:52

TashaRomanoff we have not all signed up to be nuns.

IHeartDodo · 03/09/2017 12:52

Yeah agree it sounds like you're just not that into him!
Without wanting to be all touchy-feely, there does have to be some kind of spark! My current dp is the best I've ever had, but he's not the most well-endowed, there was just something there! And after nearly 6 years, it's still always somewhere between "good" and "oh my God"

IfYouHappenToSee · 03/09/2017 12:54

you'd be pretty selfish to dump a great guy just because of awful sex

Why?

No one owes anyone a relationship. You can finish any relationship, for any reason, at any time.

And if a few more people/women understood this, the world would be a better place and this forum would be a whole lot quieter!

fullofhope03 · 03/09/2017 12:55

Cahu, I feel for you I really do! Such a shame that he isn't all you hoped he'd be. FWIW I met a guy once, similar scenario to yours, hit it off, had a conection but in bed NOT good at all. All kinds of awful. On one ocassion I actully fell asleep during sex. Not once but twice! Still feel massively guilty about that
Think you should kindly end things with him now and not prolong things for both your sakes.
PS - And no - Not all 50 somethings guys are like this. Am now having the best sex of my entire life with a 50+ guy - So please don't lose hope. xxx

fullofhope03 · 03/09/2017 12:58

TMI - Sorry!

Original poster

Cahu58 · 03/09/2017 12:59

Thanks for that.... fullofhope... you've just given me hope! Actually I wasnt sure if I was being selfish or it was the best I could expect. I'm 54 but take care of myself so would like a full relationship again.

OP posts:

rightknockered · 03/09/2017 12:59

Forgot to say, am also with someone in his 50's. The sex has always been good to mind-blowing.

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