Help! terrible situation ex/ school/ DC

[nearlyhellokitty]

I'm just in such a state.

I'm not based in the UK. My ex moved to a next door city this summer, and I was already thinking this would be a pain for the DC as we recently moved to week/week - a bit of a commute basically to school (likely to range between 40 mins and 1hr30 depending on whether take car/ traffic/ train).

Without telling me he put DS on the waiting list for a fabulous school near him. He claims it was a shot in a million. Anyway, the place came through the day before the first day and DS went for the first day of school on Friday and DD went back to the old school.

But bearing in mind I got told 24 hours before the first day of school and basically said no, but he still went ahead. i'm in bits.

1. Legally he literally cannot do this and if I went to court to prevent this I would win
2. He still has a place at the other school.

But. and this is a big But. the new school is literally amazing. and I feel in my gut my DS would thrive there, better than in his current place which has some issues and DS hasn't been entirely happy. He told me it was really cool and I visited it myself.

But then, he'll be going to school in a different city to me and DD. Ex claims he will sort it, he will commit to organising the pick ups etc. And I'm sure he will for maybe 1 or 2 years, but after that? He recently got married and she seems great and committed to helping with this but I'm just really afraid of my DC being educated in another city. His centre will shift. And my ex does not have form for consistency, things tend to fall apart after a while.

sorry.. so long.. i just feel really sick about this. feels like a no-win situation. either I drag DS out of the amazing school adn back to the bit rubbish school (potentially with a promise to look at other options) or logistical nightmare/ possibly thin end of the wedge for my ex having more control over my DS in another city.

Call me suspicious but I get the feeling after the first week your ds will have been moved into his df home as the commute will be too difficult. . .
And you won't be able to do a thing about it. .

i kind of agree but i think more like in a year, knowing them. the good intentions will last for a while..

What a nightmare.

Torn between schooling and keeping your family unit together.

Personally I would keep your son at his old school.
Your ex is creating a divide and yes your son may dislike you for a time but he will get over it.

Only other alternative I could see would be for you and you dd to move to the same city.

Unfortunately it seems like you think it will all unravel in at best two years anyway. My thinking would be at that point your ex would suggest you ds should just stay with him, his social circle will be there, clubs etc , is that likely? How would you feel about that?

yes i was discussing with my Dh. would we be prepared to move to that city? it's not impossible, but the thought of being bounced into it like this.. also DD is DS' full sister. What about her? maybe she would end up there too in a year so. then what.

It's the thought of being really isolated from his life. but at the same time if he's not happy (and we have a pretty hectic life here, i have a busy job).

and also, i just don't have time. it seems to me that if I want to drag him out of the school, then i have to move quickly..

What does your ds want? Will your dd be able to get a place at this amazing school? I would look at moving to the other city if possible. Your children's happiness is important and if you and your ex are in the same city it would be much easier re access.

DS is 8. he seems pretty keen to stay at the school. DD might be able to though not immediately.

What age are your DCs ?
Would DS be able to travel from new school back to you on his own - or if not now , within a year or so ? Can you check if school offers any transport options - DSs school runs a bus to outlying areas which is expensive but viable.

I wouldn't do it. At eight kids chop and change so much regarding friendships etc he may want his old school back in a weeks time.

Unless you have concrete assurance all pick ups and drop offs will be taken care of regardless for the next whatever years then I wouldn't do it.

Otherwise you'll give yourself having to sort it and you can't by the sounds of it.

6 and 8. Can't imagine that he would get the train before age 11 eg. school doesn't offer transport options,

My childhood played out like this..parents divorced,ended up living with dad as the school was better where he lived...would of rather lived with mum,but the schools were awful where she lived..massive 9 hour train journey between parents as well...I think it would of been better if you had of been looking for new schools yourself ,nearer where you live..

Ex is claiming he'll give me concrete assurances..

Have you not been looking at schools near you,as ds is un happy?

At 8, i'd just pull him out and back into his d school. I thought you were talking about older kids, reading this, but at that age, no, and your ex was totally manipulative to do any of this - not great either. Can you go the legal route to tidy up all this?

They're tiny. And I suspect your ex knows exactly what he is doing and this is a way to get them living with him.

I think this is a play to get DS to live with him. Why just the place for DS does your DH not value girls as much? Would it be possible for you to move, would DD want to? Ex is breaking up your family.

On the old school, well there's a new Director at his school starting this year and it's not all bad, it's a bit shabby but teacher's are really committed e.g. and really keen, also the minute there's an issue they work on it. And he does enjoy it.

of the other options locally, there hasn't been an exact right fit but we could explore more.

I think there is a DD / DS split. But also DD has generally been happier as well.

I would turn down the place t the new school and then decide as a family if you all want to move. Your DS is only 8 years old so I'm sure any issues he has can be easily sorted or you could look at a different school in your city.

I'm with my children's father and I wouldn't enroll or change their school without consulting him! He's behaved outrageously and doesn't bode well for the future. He'll continue doing things without consulting you and presenting it as a fair accompli.

it's just so hard - difference between a shabby innercity but as I said with good teachers, mainly a great atmostphere and something with a beautiful green playground, loads of ways for the kids to develop etc. lots of great activities.
But then splitting the family up, creating all kinds of future issues
And of course if I go to court, we get a really bad atmosphere

(and yes it's extremely manipulative, another reason I feel like I need to maintain some control here)

If he's only 8 view it as a taster and reconsider it longer term. If he stays there, ex will seek residency. How far apart are the schools?

I don't know if we'd be able to get him in again tbh.

schools are between 40 mins and 1hr or so apart. I mean I couldn't do the school run ever. As I said, ex is claiming he'll sort it but it's such a massive logistical exercise.

He got a place off waiting list once, just keep him on it.

As you're not in the U.K does that mean the ages for primary and secondary schooling are different? As in, will DS have to leave the new school in 3 years anyway and apply for a 'comprehensive/high' school? Or is this for his entire education? I think that makes a difference.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that if your DS is happier in the new school then he should stay, particularly if it's for the long haul. Also, if his dad is a loving and responsible father and his stepmom is caring and involved, would it be the worst thing in the world if he did live with them during the week and see you and his sister at weekends and in the holidays?

Families come in many shapes and sizes these days, and the school years are only temporary. I get that you would miss him but maybe keeping him in a school he is unhappy in because you don't want to let him go is putting your own needs before his?

I'm half expecting to get slated for this but I have been in a similar situation with my own kids and ex and followed a similar path, it's unconventional but it works well for us.