Sexless relationship advice

[Pintofcrisps]

Hi all, I'm 27 years old, been together with my partner for 5 years, were not married, no kids but we own a home together.
Our sex life has never been amazing, but lately were down to about once a month, she has never performed oral sex for the entire relationship or even tried, though I have for her on numerous occasions.
I try to initiate sex 2-3 times per week, but the constant rejection has damaged my sexual confidence and is making me feel lousy.
I've tried talking to her, which turns into an argument, I've tried small things like doing more around the house and helping her out, taking her out on 'date nights' etc, nothing helps. I've bottled my feelings up for a long time and I feel like screaming the house down. I have nobody to talk to about the situation at all.
There's sexy lingerie in her drawer that I bought her 4.5 years ago still with tags on unworn, we were both off work for around 10 days at xmas and we didn't have sex once. I feel that I need sex and lots of it on my life, but she doesn't find it important.
I love her and she's beautiful, Ive never had any problems with attraction as I fancy the pants off her, but this issue is driving me mad!

Get out because it's over. Sell the house and move on with your life. Stop wasting your time because you are not suited for each other.

Sell up and move on. You want different things. Do it before you have kids - you1 will never have more sex than you are having now if you stay with her.

It's over, mate. You'll either drag it out for months or years of pain, or man up and tell her it's not working and you want to sell up and go your own way.

Sex once a month is not sexless. It's clearly less sex than you want but it's once a month more than sexless.

She clearly doesn't want sex any more than this, and perhaps may want less. I think perhaps she's just not that in to you.

Some of the phrases in your op make me wonder a bit. You seem very focused on your own wants and desires and feelings. What about hers? Selfishness is a massive turn-off.

LTB

I've tried small things like doing more around the house and helping her out, taking her out on 'date nights' etc, nothing helps.

If you've got no kids (ie she's not a SAHM) then what are you "helping" with? What's a "date night" for a cohabiting couple with no commitments? You should be an equal couple, sharing household grind 50:50 at this stage. Enjoying your time together. Look, she clearly isn't into you, maybe feels trapped by owning a house and not sure about how to start the hassle of leaving... you should break up now though while you're still young and there's time for you each to move on and enjoy life (and have babies (if you want!) with someone else)

I'd move on. She clearly does not want sex as often as you do. Unless you can live with the frequency you currently have, I'd say you are too incompatible. Sorry.

Did you ever have more regular sex or has it always been once a month?

I think it's worth talking about it with a sex or relationship counsellor if you both actually want to save the relationship

It's never ever going to get any better. This is who she is. Move on, you're too young to waste your life on someone you're profoundly incompatible with.

It may be worth going for counselling together. To improve communication and help her to figure out if she has any mental or emotional blocks when it comes to sex.

If it does turn out to be mismatched sex drives then you need to get out. It's sad and it will feel like you're losing the relationship 'just over sex' but the constant rejection will change you as a person if you stay.

Don't stay - leave. It is unlikely to get better. I would try to have a really honest open conversation with her and if she won't even do that, it's over.

And don't listen to those posters trying to make out like you're the only problem. For all we know she is asexual/using sex as power/just using you for a house and fucking someone else - it's all speculation!

Technically, experts consider 10 times a year or less to be a "sexless" marriage, so I'd say he's entitled to use that word.

But @Pintofcrisps, this doesn't always mean the death of the relationship. I've dealt with it myself, and now we've never been happier. If you both love each other and are committed, but sex has just fallen by the wayside or out of her priorities, then you should be able to work through this. It could possibly even be fairly easy.

For one thing, have you had a serious conversation about this issue with her (without blame or accusation), to let her know how this makes you feel, how it alienates you and damages your confidence, how it affects every aspect of your life? How it hurts you? Because research has shown that, to our brains, the pain of rejection is essentially the same as physical pain. Rejection literally HURTS.

Also, how does she react when you do have sex? Is she into it, does she enjoy it, does she say "oh that was wonderful, why don't we do this more often" after? Or does she seem distant and listless, to be giving in and letting you get on with it simply to shut you up? If it's the latter, then it may very well be over for you two for many reasons, but if it's the former, then I think you've got a cracking chance.

She honestly may not have any idea how severely this affects you - and it affects you very severely indeed, probably more than you realise - or even how important sex is in general. Sex is unbelievably important to a healthy, close, fulfilling relationship, and being desperate for sex (and for the closeness, the affirmation, the strength that comes along with it) while being constantly rejected has utterly devastating effects on the relationship and on the partner who is being rejected - often while the other partner is totally unaware of the abject misery of rejection or even of the importance of sex.

If everything else about the relationship is lovely, and you are serious about salvaging rather than ending it, there are fantastic resources available. This woman in particular, Michele Wiener-Davis, has done quite a bit of work in the field of sexless marriage. She focuses on fixing the issues, making sex a higher priority, understanding the differences in sex drive, emphasising the importance of sex to a marriage, and trying to prevent divorce. She's really wonderful.

Give this video a watch:

(Warning: this video may well make you cry, so it's probably best to watch it on your own!)

She's also got several books, but The Sex-Starved Marriage is particularly relevant.

Here are a few articles by or about her work on sexless marriages:
www.divorcebusting.com/blog/divorce-busting-101-the-sex-starved-marriage/
psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/993/the-sex-starved-marriage
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201405/the-sex-starved-marriage-secret
healthresearchfunding.org/sexless-marriage-statistics/
firstthings.org/1830-2/

Sorry for the massive post, but I do hope this helps you - and anybody else going through this. I really do. It's a horrible, devastating, utterly soul-crushing thing to live with, and you simply cannot go on like this. Please read up on this subject, and then try talking to her about it. Just doing that, all by itself, honestly saved my marriage, without any outside involvement at all. I hope it can save your relationship too.

I wish you the best of luck OP.

Hmm.... yes I'm sure thatbthe erson who is rejected feels bad.
But what about how the person who is pestered for sex 2 or 3 times A WEEK feels when they have clearly have said they aren't interested? When they clearly are OK for a once a month sex?

Being pestered for sex in this way is also very hurtful. And is very likely to put her off completely TBH.

Not compatible. Neither of yours fault. Time to move on.

Would you expect her, that by suddenly understanding how hurtful it is for the OP, she will then have sex every week with pleasure??

Tbh, my experience is the following

• often when you aren't really into sex with a certain person, it's because sex isnt good. So it IS a two person issue rather than hers.
• sex is also related with plenty of other issues. Hard to really want sex when the person in front of you sees that as a due (were together therefore you have to have sex with me and it's OK for me to pester your I for it for example), takes you for granted (see the comments about trying to help in the house. Help?? What about doing it 50/50 as a starting point?) etc etc
• lack of respect for the other person sexuality. It's OK for someone to not enjoy dressing up/sexy lingery or oral sex. In that, I would have wanted to be sure that actually she does have an orgasm at least each time they have sex, that it's a pleasurable experience for her too etc etc.

Fwiw apart form the obvious one with a real quality relationship, I think that a sex counsellor would be the way to go there.

Bin the relationship off. Neither of you are wrong here, just not compatible. You're in a virtually sexless relationship as it is & it'll only get worse.

Should have said, for the first 2/3 years we did have sex 2-3 times per week, I've never pressured her about the oral thing in fact I don't think I've ever asked her about it but as time has gone on I've noticed its in my thoughts more and why etc etc etc
We went on holiday last year and she was the complete opposite, she initiated sex most nights and we had sex every night, one night she even initiated twice and we had sex twice in the same night which was completely out of character for her.
When we got home it lasted a couple of days and then was back to maybe once per month.
When we do have sex it is good and she says she enjoys it, she's definetely into it when we do, which is the frustrating part.
I can't understand why it was so different when we went away either
I tried talking to her about it last night but she just said I was being stupid and it was nothing, hence why I was on the couch registering with this site at 2am this morning

If she won't talk about it there is not much you can do, sounds like she is mostly happy with once a month. Maybe she's not that bothered about sex, maybe she doesn't fancy you as much as she used to. Either way you are not compatible and as pp have said it will only get worse as you get older/have dc. You need to break up unfortunately.

Different spin here...I'm in a May - as - well - be sexless relationship. Last had piv a year ago, occasional hand play once every 4-6 weeks. This is my choosing. I have a low libido, don't get the need for sex. Intimacy can be acquired by cuddling and hand holding. Not everyone needs sex. You can orgasm alone. Difference here is my partner doesn't try and initiate it 2/3 times a week like the OP. That way he doesn't feel rejected and I don't feel pestered. I could honestly live forever with no sex. Doesn't mean I (and maybe the OP's Mrs) don't like intimacy and physical attraction. We're all different.

So she was OK when on hols but not when at home?
Then surely there is something massively different between those two times.
And it's not her libido or yours or whatever you do when you have sex.

What was different when you were away? Less disturbances, being less tired, not as much housework to do, more intimacy, time spent together, less or more of what?
Did you ask what was different then?

I don't think the sex is the problem I think it's the barometer.
Seeing there's a big difference between holiday and being at home could be the hum drum of life.
Maybe she's bored not of you necessarily but of no plans , same old etc.
Perhaps try talking to her about life in general. Her wants or ambitions. Is she unhappy with her job/ career. Where you live. How you live.
I don't understand about helping more with chores as it should be 50/50.
Do you live in a routine like what and where you go.
That may be the start of finding out what is really going on.

Does she have a stressful job?

Leave, you don't want to live the rest of your life like this. And I am fairly sure that even if you had the talk and the 'yes I will change' answer, it won't last long and would you feel happy thinking that they were just fulfilling a duty?

If she is happy with sex once a month in her 20's and no children its only ever going to get worse.

She could try coming off the pill (if she is taking it) to see if that helps.