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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i did the right thing , right?

26 replies

purplerain38 · 03/09/2017 01:44

Hello. DP has been awful all day today. He started by complaining where was i "all day" because when he woke up i didnt answer his messages . I was asleep and i replied later. he was upset over that because it shows that i dont care and i dont want to be with him. He mentioned about being stressed from work etc and that "nothing in his life offering a safe place" meaning that being around me is stressing him. I offered to leave and leave him to relax but he insisted that i have to stay. Then i had an evening from hell. He thinks thats its ok to treat me like i am garbage. He made me play video games with him so he "can relax" only to constantly inslult me. I politely told him that i will just sit and watch him but that wasnt good either. During the evening he told me to f off few times, to go f myself, made me apologize for things i didnt do again and again until i get the apology right . He also asked sorry few times during all the nonsense only to go back to his ways few minutes later. The last time he got aggressive and told me to go f myself i said ok i will go f myself and left. I understand he is stressed but thats not a way to behave right? I can understand to get frustrated and say one or two things but this was going on for hours. I have turned my phone off and silenced the landline and
i dont know what to do next

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/09/2017 01:46

He sounds controlling and unkind to you
Ltb

JWrecks · 03/09/2017 01:48

He sounds a nightmare, and quite abusive! Give him what he says he wants and fuck right off away from him for good and all.

It sounds like you are not together right now? Are you someplace safe where you can stay for a while? Keep your phone silenced and ignore him the best you can, and cut it off however necessary.

Couchpotato3 · 03/09/2017 01:48

Run for the hills. There is no excuse for this horrible behaviour. Get rid of him and move on with your life.

purplerain38 · 03/09/2017 01:53

Thank you for the quick replies. I left and i am in my house because i just had enough. I felt very small and humiliated and i just had enough. I am safe yes but part of me wants to leave and part of me thinks that i am terrible because he is stressed and i should be more understanding.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/09/2017 02:08

I am stressed. I don't do any of that shit to the people around me. Do you?

He's probably stressed at work because he's a cunt.

So what if he's stressed? That's not a valid reason to be a total knobend to other people, especially people trying to be kind.

It is worrying to read your suggestion that one or two demeaning rude comments would be acceptable. No it wouldn't! You should have left at the first bit of shittiness.

You also don't have to obey his commands: he made me The word you are looking for is "No".

BlessYourCottonSocks · 03/09/2017 02:09

He's an utter twat. I don't give a shit how stressed he is - nobody gets to speak to another person like that. The only thing you need to understand is that you don't ever let someone treat you like this. Dump him immediately.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2017 02:14

Lock the doors, block his number. Take a hot bath or shower and go to bed. Tomorrow, think about what a nice person you are and how you do NOT deserve to be treated so shabbily.

Then tell that bastard to fuck off and never contact you again.

JWrecks · 03/09/2017 02:23

That guilt you're feeling and the part of you that says you should stay and be more understanding of him is HIM. That comes from him conditioning you to doubt yourself, put him above anything else, and do what he demands of you regardless of your own wellbeing. Ignore that part. Those thoughts are HIS.

I've been right where you are, and it took me years to figure out that those thoughts - that I needed him, that he needed me, that I couldn't cope on my own, that I was the one being insensitive and cold toward him, he just needed a little time/understanding/love - those were all his lies he'd planted in my head.

You've come here already and asked the question, and that's a HUGE first step. Keep going on this track. You're doing the right thing, and the part of you that knows it is YOU. You've got this. You can do it.

Seeingadistance · 03/09/2017 02:34

I went to see my GP around the time that I decided to leave my abusive husband because I had been experiencing what my GP said were textbook symptoms of being chronically stressed. I told him that I had decided to leave my husband and was planning my escape.

When I told him that my husband was very stressed with work and other issues, my GP said "Well, I can be stressed at work, but I don't go home and abuse my wife."

This isn't about his stress. It's about the fact that he's an abusive fucker and you'd be well rid of him.

By the sounds of things, you don't live together. That should make it easier to end the relationship.

Be free!

purplerain38 · 03/09/2017 03:19

Thank you all so much for the replies. His behavior towards me is getting from bad to worse and i just can not do that anymore. I do worry that i will back down but i know i should not. He doesnt bring anything good in my life anymore just intimidation and abuse. . For tonight i will just go to sleep now and i left the phone off. I am so tired and exhausted by the way he has been treating me

OP posts:
highinthesky · 03/09/2017 03:39

He's a partner, and you don't live with him. Just walk away, no complications.

If you don't respect yourself, he never will.

HellAintABadPlaceToBe · 03/09/2017 03:46

You've 100% done the right thing... he would've kept getting worse.

He's not stressed he's abusive.

Flowers
Cavender · 03/09/2017 03:57

I just came on to say exactly what Hell said.

He's not stressed, he's abusive.

Don't let him tell you otherwise.

You are worth much more than this behaviour.

JWrecks · 03/09/2017 04:10

(Sorry in advance - wall of text incoming!)

Whenever you think of backing down and going back to him, just imagine how much worse the future will be. Imagine what a bastard he'll be about this situation, how he will use this against you for as long as you're together! Remember what a bastard he is about everything else and how unhappy you've been throughout the relationship. Remember that abusers never stop abusing, and that it always gets worse. And come back here for support if you start thinking of it! We will be here.

Abusers never get better. They ALWAYS get worse.

And remember that these thoughts you're having are HIS and not yours! They are him conditioning you to feel sympathy for him, to pity him, to cave in to his demands lest you upset him even worse.

You are absolutely fine without him - much better off, even. You can and will cope, brilliantly I'm sure. You do not deserve his nastiness. You are not to blame for his stress. You gave him plenty of understanding and sympathy and it's never been enough. You deserve happiness, not this pain. And you DO NOT have to stay in this relationship!

HE chose to be a monster and mistreat you. HE chose to take out his "stress" on you. HE chose to cross the line again and again. He chose to take you for granted, to push you around, to be horrible to you. He is not your responsibility. He is a grown man who can cope on his own. He does not deserve a punch bag that he can mistreat. He does not deserve you.

Personally, I don't think you should even contact him tomorrow or answer when he rings, at all. I know it will be tempting, especially if he is relentless and driving you mad, or if he starts texting sweet sounding lies like how sorry he is and how he'll change.

Relentlessness is a tactic that abusers use to grind you down into simply giving in; they know that, in the moment, it's much easier to give in and shut them up than it is to deal with their incessant annoyance. And telling those lies (very convincingly) is another terribly common tactic abusers use; there is usually a "honeymoon" period after a massive row, in which they act unusually sweet and lovely, but then it's straight back to the abuse.

But remember that it's only temporary annoyance, instead of a lifetime of pain and abuse.

If you do communicate with him at all, let it only be to tell him that it's over, to stop contacting you, that you are serious, that if he does not stop contacting you you will report him to the police for harassment. If you do contact him and have a conversation with him, that is basically telling him that you are not serious about ending it, that there is a chance for your relationship if only he keeps ringing. Every time you acknowledge him, it's encouragement that he should continue to wear at you until he grinds you down into compliance.

There is literally NO REASON that you should subject yourself to a relationship with this man. You're not married to him, you don't have children with him, you have your own place and independence, and splitting with him is as simple as saying "it's over". You get NO enjoyment from a relationship with him; you get nothing but fear, intimidation, and abuse. Remember that. And remember that there are millions of good men out there who would be lucky to have a lovely woman like you, who would realise that and who would appreciate you, rather than abuse you. He is in the minority of monsters, and most men are lovely blokes who love and respect women and treat us well.

So let him know straight away that you are finished, for good and all, and that he must accept that and move on.

purplerain38 · 03/09/2017 06:04

@JWrecks
Thank you so much for your post. You are absolutely right

OP posts:
AufderAutobahn · 03/09/2017 06:45

Hi, yes of course you did the right thing. He is an abuser and abusers don't change. The problem is with him, not you. Please don't move in with him or tie yourself with him any further. If you need help leaving him, people here will support you and there is Women's Aid. Please block and ignore him, you know you never have to see him again. You can do this, think how much better life will be without him ruining it xxx

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2017 06:58

Please try to get some sleep OP
How are you feeling this morning?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/09/2017 07:04

Stressed people do sometimes snap at their nearest and dearest. Lord knows I have. They then apologise and explain they were stressed and that it absolutely is not your fault. Then they try to behave better. What they don't do, if they're decent, is bully you. That going on and on until you apologise "right" is bullying, pure and simple. You were left feeling at the end of the evening that you were somehow at fault for not being supportive enough, or not good enough at video games, or just... not enough Hmm And that whining because you weren't up when he called you is just pathetic. You are allowed to sleep in at the weekend ffs. You're not a nurse on suicide watch, you're supposed to be his girlfriend.

I'd make it ex-girlfriend asap. Maybe the next woman won't mind being an emotional punchbag for him to work out his stress on. I pity her.

Chloe421 · 03/09/2017 08:55

Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. I hope that your next step will be walking away. Like others I have been with a 'man' like this and now recognise his behaviour as text book abuse. He was also 'stressed' and constantly played the victim and never conveyed self awareness or took responsibility for his behaviour. In reality he is a very troubled, insecure, selfish, toxic man child who got away with using other people for his own gain for 40 years of his existence. Unfortunately I woke up too late and lost every shred of my self worth, career, friends, inheritance/ life savings, the roof over my head and essentially my carefully cultivated life before I actually left. Today I am still left with the ramifications. You have created this post as you know this relationship is unhealthy. If you stay it is only going to get worse. You owe this man, who has no respect for you nothing. You owe it to yourself to leave. Best wishes

Mygorgeousgirl · 03/09/2017 11:34

Definitely not

purplerain38 · 03/09/2017 11:53

Thank you all. I turned my phone on this morning and i found messages and missed calls. In some he is asking me to pick up the phone and in others he is wondering why i do this to us and what is my deal. Does he really not understand what he did? Or he just doesnt care, how can it possibly be my fault when he has been swearing and abusing me all day?Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helps a lot. I have now turned the phone off again and i have it in a different room . I dont want to be tempted to message or call him back . A part of me wants to but i dont understand why.

OP posts:
missmollyhadadolly · 03/09/2017 12:18

It's because you're a decent person and you're waiting for him to turn into the decent person you want him to be.

But he's not decent. Don't let yourself become any further enmeshed with him. Leave him now.

RunoutofKitKats · 03/09/2017 12:29

Are you worrying about being 'nice'?
I used to feel like I had to accommodate shitty behaviour because being assertive and having boundaries made me feel like I was being a bitch. I was a man pleaser, I put their needs above my own Hmm
It's something that women are taught from an early age.
I got better and so did my relationships.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 03/09/2017 18:43

If you have to reply purplerain please simply send a message that says, 'I am no longer prepared to put up with your abuse. The relationship is over. Do not ever contact me again'.

And then block his number/change your number if you need to. No more contact ever.

AufderAutobahn · 03/09/2017 19:18

Oh the fucking nerve of him, he's trying to convince you it's your fault. Of course he's not questioning his own behaviour. Typical abuse tactic. You have done the right thing. Well done for keeping so strong. It's quite understandable you want to message him back but please don't, it is important you keep strong. You can do this. Please do not worry about him, he doesn't care about you at all. You are far superior to him and you deserve so much better. Flowers