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Original poster

Is this bad mouthing my Ex or factual

40 replies

donners312 · 02/09/2017 16:51

Ex had promised to take DC on holiday at Christmas.

DC want to stay in England as they already have commitments. (they explained this to him not me). They also did not want to go on holiday with Ex's new GF who they really don't like.

So Ex has just sent an email saying he will go on holiday and have the DC next year for xmas instead.

I told the DC "I have just heard back from your Dad and he said he will have you next christmas because he doesn't want to stay in UK for christmas this year"

Both very upset (he always lets them down - he has done this 3rd time in a row now) and i am wondering if i am slagging him off or is it OK to state facts?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 16:52

Reading it like that i realise i am just stating facts even though i do feel like adding 'you have to realise your DF is a complete twat and i knew it was never going to happen!!'

OP posts:
Boatmistress17 · 02/09/2017 16:54

Why should he be up on a pedestal if he is indeed a twat df?
Have a lovely Xmas without him around!!

Out2pasture · 02/09/2017 16:57

I don't like your explanation of things at all. you adding in your reasoning "because he doesn't want to stay in the uk..." really stabs. why didn't you say because "you (dc) don't want to go"??

fastdaytears · 02/09/2017 17:00

Out2pasture has a good point. Surely it's more that a holiday is happening, they've been invited but they don't want to go? That would certainly be the least hurtful way to frame it for the children I'd have thought.

Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:00

ha ha thanks boatmistress! yes I agree but i always hear people say don't slag ex off. I don't slag him off but i do say factual things which are i suppose insults.

For example he lies to the DC a lot! I would say "sometimes when people tell you things you need to look at the facts and not just listen to what people say" I want to say "you DF is a complete fucking liar and don't listen to a sodding word that con man says" (without the swearing)

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:02

yes it is less hurtful but why should they take the blame for not going? They would feel guilty then?

At the end of the day he is the one who prefers to go on holiday and not see them?

OP posts:
GettingScaredNow · 02/09/2017 17:03

I agree with other posters, however I get why you've phrased it that way. I would likely do the same thing subconsciously.
That will make them feel the holiday is more important then they are. Wen in reality they have chosen not to go.

You feel he should change his plans to suit them?

GettingScaredNow · 02/09/2017 17:04

Also, what Christmas commitments do they have already??
How old are dc?

Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:05

yes i do feel he should change his plans to suit them - I certainly don't think they should change their plans to suit him?

BTW this is a DF who left them homeless and hasn't paid any maintenance for two years (or for anything else) and see's them about twice a year.

There are implications to my DS not attending his activities over christmas and i don't see why he should lose out?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:06

I also see that is a kinder way of phrasing it though - so thanks and i will think of ways to be more like that I just get so pissed off on their behalf!!!

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 17:07

I don't think you said anything wrong. They didn't want to leave the UK, he didn't want to stay. Ultimately he made the decision not to accommodate his kids' commitments into his holiday planning. So yeah, I think he's a twat and no you didn't slag him off.

My XH is a monumental cunt, and I am always very, very careful not to be negative about him in front of DS1 (or my other kids in case they pass it on to DS1), but it's bloody hard. This morning he let his wife drive through (an hour) to break the news to DS1 that she's got cancer and has commenced treatment. I was staggered that he'd effectively abandoned his wife to break some very difficult (for her and for DS1) news because it was easier for him.

Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:07

I don't want to say exactly about what the DC are doing (outing) they are young teenagers ish.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 02/09/2017 17:08

Let them see how awful he is and make their own judgements.
There's a lot of crap spoken about protecting the relationship between an absentee father and his children. If he'd cared, he'd be there.
My dd grew up knowing her dad didn't care. She learned this from his behaviour, not from me. A clean break would have been kinder.

Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:09

notreallyarsed - just wow!!! At least you are not his wife now!!! they have no empathy do they?

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 17:09

PlasticPatty it's horrible isn't it? I told XH years ago "be a dad or fuck off", sadly he's done neither. Sad

Out2pasture · 02/09/2017 17:10

I sense a lot of anger in your posts about your ex. I get the impression you are being extra negative to the kids about him.
at Christmas time, people really only have a set amount of time off and it is easier for children to accommodate working adults than working adults accommodating children. in fact it is you who is denying the kids the holiday by putting up the road blocks. if you do this often enough the ex will try less and less.
unless the children are teen's there is absolutely nothing in the life of an under 10 year old that would interfere with a holiday with dad.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 17:10

Nope, I honestly thought that he couldn't surprise me with his selfishness any more, but to see his poor wife this morning broke my heart, he should have thought about what she needed/wanted and about what DS1 wanted/needed. I didn't think my opinion of him could get any lower but it has!

Original poster
donners312 · 02/09/2017 17:10

plastic patty - i totally agree, my two are learning about what a let down their DF is and i so wish he would give them a clean break! He see's them infrequently, tells them how crap they are at everything and then doesn't see them again for another 6 months!!

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 02/09/2017 17:11

If they're teenagers then there is no need for you to be explaining anything to them. He can have that discussion with them. It's between him and them. Why aren't you doing go-between?

BackieJerkhart · 02/09/2017 17:11

Sorry, why are you doing go-between.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 17:11

Have I stepped into an alternate universe? He's a deadbeat dad and all of a sudden the bairns are to drop everything and jump to his demands? Pffft.

GettingScaredNow · 02/09/2017 17:12

I didn't mean to be judgemental.
Cos actually I have this with dd. Or did, their father isn't on the scene at the moment. And I'm hoping it stays that way.

I get what your saying. He's a shit fair weather dad. Wants Christmas and none of the responsibilities.
But I still think for their emotional welfare, understanding that if they want to see him they have to dance to his tune, ultimately they will be stronger.
Where as always feeling like he doesn't give a shit will hurt them time and time again.
I might be talking hopeful bollocks

Mine are only little, 5&3. I've no idea about teens at all

FuckingLoveCarbs · 02/09/2017 17:12

I'm quite sick TBH of the blame for crap dads being crap being placed on the shoulders of the ex?

You have literally just been factual. You have done nothing wrong.

ITCouldBeWorse · 02/09/2017 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckingLoveCarbs · 02/09/2017 17:14

If they're teenagers then there is no need for you to be explaining anything to them. He can have that discussion with them. It's between him and them. Why aren't you doing go-between?

Speaking as someone who did have to do this as a teenager, this is bad advice. I was not equipped as a 13 y old to deal with a guilt tripping EA father on my own.

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