He won't commit to me do I walk away?

[Winelover93]

Been seeing each other since may I wasn't to interested in him at the beginning so we both carried on seeing other people. It's been the last couple of weeks we've spent together we both have said we've fallen for each other.

We've been away for weekends together he's briefly met my mum and my little boy,He takes me out for dinner every week.

I've told him I'm fed up because he won't commit to me but he said he's not sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else when I went over to his on Tuesday.

We sat down and spoke and he told me reasons why. He doesn't want to be hurt again he was with with his ex for two years she was much older than him 25 years older! Bought a house together he took her on holidays and then she got rid of him.

He showed me his room at his parents it's literally a cabinet with a single bed in. So I felt a little bit sorry for him as I know he's lost everything.

I don't know where I stand I feel confused I've deleted dating apps not speaking to anyone.

He said he loves spending time with me and wants to spend time with my son aswell but he's just not ready to commit yet.So I asked him if he ever sees us together and he said he's just give him time.

He's still on tinder so im not sure whether I'm just making a fool out of myself.

Xx

Give the poor guy a chance. You've only been seeing him 3 months and you want a commitment? You're lucky he didn't run in the opposite direction. He's being nice and honest with you. Slow down

It's only 3 months!! What on earth do you expect at this stage? You're only beginning to get to know each other.

I would run a mile if anyone asked me to commit to them after only a few months of seeing each other and only a few weeks dating.

I know it honestly just feels like we've been seeing each other for a lifetime.

Surely he wouldn't still be on tinder though if he was that arsed about me.

I think you’re taking this way too seriously. It’s only been 3 months; I personally would not expect a level of commitment until maybe 6 months, probably longer if kids are involved and he’s been hurt in the past!

What do you mean by commitment? I wouldn't want to date someone who was dating others. If he's still on Tinder, he's putting himself out there, isn't he? He says he's not seeing others, so why the Tinder profile?

I think "committing to each other" for me would mean planning longer term. I don't think it's unreasonable to say you'll only see someone regularly if they're not seeing someone else.

I agree about Tinder actually but I think you need to have some empathy for him and his situation and feelings, rather than forcing him to make some declaration he's not ready for. It's not the time yet. Are you enjoying being with him? Can you just let go of expectations for a while and continue enjoying it? Three months is no time and I'm not sure who benefits from rushing, you're looking for a quick fix for your insecurities rather than to get to know someone in a natural way.

I would advise holding back on him hanging out with your child though. Both for the relationship and for your child's sake.

Lets face it you are both adults, if he's into you then you would know it. I was in your position a few yrs ago with a guy who didn't know if he wanted to commit, but really liked ne etc etc, but I said goodbye as I felt I deserved better than someone who wasn't sure. I know 3 months doesn't seem long but personally I think its long enough x

And don't overinvest. If he's on Tinder why not get back on there or even just socialise with other people more? Not to make him jealous or anything, but you don't want to send the message that you're hanging around waiting for him to pick you.

I think three months in is fine to have the conversation about whether or not you're exclusively seeing only each other or keeping your options open. If you want exclusivity and he doesn't (which still having a Tinder account would indicate) then it's time to move on: he wants to have his cake and eat it, and if he isn't sure he likes you enough at this stage to want to give an actual relationship a go, it's unlikely he ever will.

Exclusivity is a different conversation to commitment though, which implies something a lot more serious. Definitely too soon to be talking about settling down and most definitely too soon to be spending time with your child.

3 months is a perfectly reasonable length of time to expect a certain level of commitment. id definitely not expect him to still be on tinder! to be honest it does sound like a case of hes just not that into you.

maybe try not being so invested and full on with him, if you pull away a little he will either be bothered or not bothered.

Oh god yeah I just want to know that we're only seeing/sleeping with eachother and I would like him to come of tinder.
We have a good time when we're together but when he leaves then I have loads of things going through my head.

I guess because I've been cheated on before I'm constantly looking for signs and probably putting to much thought into things.

I really don't want to be wasting my time I drive down to my mums two hours away from mine to spend the weekend with him every weekend.

Asking for a commitment from him so soon will most likely make him decide for himself NOT to see you as someone he'll want to stay with.

But in the past, prior to Tinder etc, surely once you were sleeping with someone you expected them to not be seeing other women?

I am surprised that after 3 months, people think the OP would be unreasonable to ask if they could stop seeing other people?! Is it common to just date several people for months and months then? I understand going on a few different dates with different people if you don't find one you like, but I wouldn't be happy knowing they were sleeping with other people when they seemed to like me enough to keep dating me for months. If he doesn't know if he wants a relationship after 3 months I would just walk away.

So you drive to him every weekend? What kind of effort does he put into seeing you?

Sorry your gut is saying something's off and I agree. Three months is plenty of time to agree to be exclusive. If he isn't into you enough at this stage to be willing to hold off on seeing others while you see where it goes he's never gonna be. I guarantee you that when he meets someone he's crazy about he won't want her to get away or get snapped up by some other guy and he'll be the one pushing for exclusivity.

He's just not that into you. It's like you're on trial waiting for him to decide if you're worthy or not. Screw that. Three dates and I'd be agreeing with the other posters, not at three months!

I think he did say he wasn't seeing or sleeping with anyone else though. The Tinder thing is what's off here.
On reflection I think I would pull back a bit (or a lot) OP. It sounds like you're making all the effort and he will either feel pressurised by that or take you for a ride.

This is what I said to him surely he will meet someone else that he really wants to be with and happy commit.

He has offered to drive up to me but my flat isn't decorated yet so I'd just rather not.

I do feel like something's off maybe your right and he just isn't that into me.

Did you out and out ask him about Tinder?

No I haven't
I mentioned a few weeks ago kind of jokingly "I noticed your still on tinder then"

But things have progressed a bit more since then. If I see him tonight I will ask him if he's not willing to come of tinder then il know to just call it a day.

He always plans things for us to do and wants to spend time with me so I just don't know.

Hopefully that will give you your answer. I would agree that if he doesn't come off Tinder it's time to cut your losses after three months if you've had a conversation about it.

3 months is too soon to know if you want a long term relationship/commitment but more than enough time to know if you want to exclusively date.

I'm clearly old fashioned but it has honestly never occurred to me that anyone I was seriously dating might still be seeing/shagging other women! I'd assume he was a player and dump. In fairness I haven't dated in this brace new tinder world, but this idea of multiple dating only exists in the movies. Most people who like each other just don't.

Just ask him outright. "I need to know if we are exclusive and if we are, will you close down your tinder account? If not, that's fine, but this set up isn't for me, so I'll move on"

I wouldn't ask him to come off Tinder. If you're not active, you don't show - so he's presumably using it if you've seen him in there recently; and that'd be enough of an answer for me. I wouldn't want to tell someone to stop dating others; I'd want them to want too.

No fucking way would I bother dating someone who after three months was still on Tinder looking for other dates!

But if you saw him on Tinder, you were also on Tinder... double standards.

Just tell him you want to be exclusive and if he can't do that you have your answer.

Is he actually active on tinder or just not removed his account?

and as others have said you are on tinder as well.