He won't commit to me do I walk away?

[Winelover93]

Been seeing each other since may I wasn't to interested in him at the beginning so we both carried on seeing other people. It's been the last couple of weeks we've spent together we both have said we've fallen for each other.

We've been away for weekends together he's briefly met my mum and my little boy,He takes me out for dinner every week.

I've told him I'm fed up because he won't commit to me but he said he's not sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else when I went over to his on Tuesday.

We sat down and spoke and he told me reasons why. He doesn't want to be hurt again he was with with his ex for two years she was much older than him 25 years older! Bought a house together he took her on holidays and then she got rid of him.

He showed me his room at his parents it's literally a cabinet with a single bed in. So I felt a little bit sorry for him as I know he's lost everything.

I don't know where I stand I feel confused I've deleted dating apps not speaking to anyone.

He said he loves spending time with me and wants to spend time with my son aswell but he's just not ready to commit yet.So I asked him if he ever sees us together and he said he's just give him time.

He's still on tinder so im not sure whether I'm just making a fool out of myself.

Xx

You seem in a rush? Don't want ever you do, ask for commitment after 3 months. That'd look so needy.

If by "commitment" you mean seeing each other exclusively YANBU, and his excuse about "baggage" from a previous relationship doesn't excuse him wanting to date / shag more than one person at a time: he's been honest but seems to be using his history to manipulate you.

I'd suggest he contacts you if/when he is interested in an exclusive relationship, and you'll consider it.

Why is he living at his parents? If he put money into a property with his ex and managed the legal matters sensibly he'll have had the money back.

Look, if what you want is for him to come off tinder and not date others, then ask for that. Don't ask "will you please commit to me" because that's not actually what you're wanting, is it? Committing to someone means stuff like, you make decisions together, start mingling finances and stuff like that. What you're asking for is exclusivity, not commitment per se.

If he says yes of course I'll come off Tinder and not date anyone else, then great.
If he says no, or seems reluctant, then he's not for you and I'd pack it in. Don't try to talk yourself into being ok with things that you arent ok with.

Fwiw it took me 6 months to come to my own conclusion that I was not going to date others. I didn't discuss it with my now dp, it was my decision to make. My dp came to the same conclusion about 4 months in. Again we didn't discuss it. We decided for ourselves.

Several months after that, we finally had a discussion where we confirmed to each other that we were a proper couple.

There is no need to rush anything. As long as you are happy and confident in yourself, you don't actually need to label things or demand anything from another person... I know that's an unpopular way to think, especially among women, but imo it's the right way to be. Demanding things from others (however gently) means they don't give those things freely and to me, that makes whatever they give feel less special... People take time to unfold and understand their own feelings... I prefer not to rush anyone. I stand back and give myself and them a lot of space. That's how you get to know the real person imo

I think you're right. If by commitment you mean a commitment to his not looking for other dates with other women then you are absolutely right to call it a day if he won't come off tinder.

If he's still on tinder then why did you allow him to meet your child?

plus beware of the excuses.

I fell in to a situation with a man over a year ago. He didn't want a relationnship but he portrayed himself as an avoidant in therapy to avoid me realising fully that it WAS personal. I thought that it wasn't personal and I felt sorry for him so I cut him slack. It was all bollix, not while we were 'together' or whatever we were, but later after I walked away from him I discovered he'd had a woman who he described as a partner. Not even a girlfriend but a partner. He just played me like a fiddle and I wouldn't have thought I would have fallen for it. So....... just be aware of the reasons they're like this or the reason they're like that. It doesn't matter why, it only matters that they are.

For me I think it does matter, and who wants to be wasting time on someone who doesn't feel/want the same? I would ask him outright about tinder and gauge from the reaction, then you can make a decision after that x

I was in your shoes many years ago, it turned out what he actually meant when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship was that he didn't want a relationship with me. Things came to a head when I discovered he'd been seeing another girl whilst we were dating and despite not being ready for a relationship they've been together ever since. It wasn't all bad though as I met my amazing DP 5 months later

I thought 'I have trust issues because of my ex so I have to keep my options open' was a classic sign that you're being messed around.

Has he ever been to your flat?

To be honest I personally wouldn't see a future with him. He's in a box room at his parents and he'd be a liability.

I think him being on tinder still is the thing that would bother me.

Him living with his parents isn't a big deal. Me and my boyfriend still live with our parents. He travels too much for it to be worth it to have a flat, and I can't afford one by myself.

Being on tinder is weird. If he only wants to date you, why is he still on a dating website?

I don't think 3 months is a short time either really. I hung out with my boyfriend as friends for a few months, we then had maybe two proper dates and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Relationships go at different speeds for different people. I find it odd that some date many people at the same time, but it works for them. If he isn't ready to commit fine, but he's saying he wants to date exclusively, but remain on the lookout for another one on tinder going by his actions.

I would tell him to get off tinder or bye bye.