Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset DP hasn't proposed....

31 replies

Pearli · 02/09/2017 10:39

DP and I have been together 3 and a half years. We have a one year old child and four DC from previous marriages.We are in our thirties.

In the beginning DP had said how important marriage was to him and how he wanted us to get married.

We've had some rough patches and have had an awful lot to contend with in the course of our relationship. 2 miscarriages, DP's business collapsing, an expensive custody battle for his son to name but a few. We have survived and are still going strong though.

He has made no mention of marriage at all in the past 2 years. I feel insecure in our relationship just being his 'girlfriend'. I don't want to bring it up as feel he should ask because he wants to, not because he's been pressured. So I guess that makes it a no in situation!

Not sure what I'm asking really, just do you think I'm expecting too much?

OP posts:
BR62Y · 02/09/2017 10:41

Perhaps just slow down a bit. It sounds like
You have been through a lot. Maybe a period of stability for 6m or so then have the discussion.

TittyGolightly · 02/09/2017 10:44

Why not ask him to marry you?

HerOtherHalf · 02/09/2017 10:47

If you can't talk to him about it then maybe your relationship isn't strong enough to merit the commitment of marriage.

Littlepond · 02/09/2017 10:47

Just have a conversation about it. I've never really understood waiting until the man decides marriage is best for both of you. It's your decision too! You need to know if you are both on the same page, so ask him if marriage is still important to him and if he sees it in your future.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/09/2017 10:49

Proposed? You're mature adults in a long term relationship.why does he have to propose?Sorry op, why don't you just sit down, say ""shall we get married?" Lay out the very practical benefits for your security, say he always wanted it, etc. If he can't come up with a solid reason for not doing it, I'm afraid I'd be having a good hard think.
Sorry, I'm being overly harsh, I didn't mean to be. Maybe he's just slipped into a holding pattern and is happy ATM? But, yeah, deep breath, big woman pants on and have that chat.

Original poster
Pearli · 02/09/2017 10:49

Thanks for the replies. I just feel odd having a different surname to all my kids, and feel we are still 'unofficial' in the eyes of family and friends. I feel like I play the role of a 'wife' but have none of the status or security (I don't mean financial security).

I imagine he'd probably say yes to save me embarrassment if I asked him!

My ex husband proposed after a few months. I had a fiancé before that who proposed after a few months too so for me three and a bit years feels a very long time, especially given our age and situation.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 10:50

I think it's both fine and normal to have a discussion on the future and to talk about marriage, marriage is a joint decision and it's an important decision. To be scared to mention it isn't normal. Sit him down and ask about how he sees the future panning out ask his views on marriage and articulate yours.

Original poster
Pearli · 02/09/2017 10:51

I suppose I'm also worried about him saying no I don't think it's a good idea at the moment.... I'd be devastated on a number of levels.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 02/09/2017 11:07

And you're not still with the guys who proposed quickly.

Have a grown up conversation with your dp. You don't have to jump in and discuss the M word, but you should be able to discuss where you see yourselves in 5 years time without it turning into an argument. If you can't have a conversation about your future together then, sadly, you possibly don't have one. Not in the long term, anyhow. If you have that conversation and you don't like what you hear, then surely that is far better than carrying on as you are and always feeling insecure and doubtful.

BensonMadcat · 02/09/2017 11:08

I suppose I'm also worried about him saying no I don't think it's a good idea at the moment.... I'd be devastated on a number of levels.

Wouldn't it be better to know? You'd be right to be upset (especially with a child - how can marriage be more of a commitment than that?) and as PP have suggested may need a good hard think if he's still hedging his bets. But isn't it better to know where you stand and plan accordingly than keep dangling on a string hoping he'll 'want to' enough to ask you soon?

TittyGolightly · 02/09/2017 11:09

I just feel odd having a different surname to all my kids

You can change your name in a heartbeat, married or not.

(I am married to DD's father and have always had a different surname - it's really such a trivial thing).

C0untDucku1a · 02/09/2017 11:10

Why do you have a different name to all your kids? Do the older ones not hae your current name? If you married they wouldnt have the same name
Unles you kept your previous mamemamd it aound alike the baby doesnt have your nMe. Im not sure how marrying the father of one if the children would solve that issue???

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 11:11

" I just feel odd having a different surname to all my kids, and feel we are still 'unofficial' in the eyes of family and friends. I feel like I play the role of a 'wife' but have none of the status or security (I don't mean financial security).

If you don't mean financial security, what sort of security do you mean? And "status"? Really?

KentMum2008 · 02/09/2017 11:13

DH didn't really propose to me as such. We talked about getting married and then one day the talking became planning, and after a few months he said 'shall we go and choose you a ring then?'. I was 30 and he was 42. I didn't feel like I was cheated out of a big proposal, we're both getting on in years and a serious adult talk about marriage seemed more appropriate than a surprise and all the accompanying Facebook photos.

Just talk to him. I agree with PP that if you don't feel you can have an honest talk about it, then perhaps marriage isn't the best idea anyway.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2017 11:34

I am married to DD's father and have always had a different surname - it's really such a trivial thing

This is subjective and not fact. It's trivial to you.

I'd raise the subject of marriage... As in "when are we going to get married"? Or "Are we going to get married?"

TheNaze73 · 02/09/2017 11:54

It's 2017. Ask him.

Can't understand why anyone would put their life on hold like you're doing.

Go for it & you'll find out either way. Good luck

Joysmum · 02/09/2017 11:59

I feel insecure in our relationship just being his 'girlfriend'

Don't make the mistake in thinking you'll feel any more secure just because you are married. Feeling secure comes from working on the relationship and yourself, not from a wedding day.

raveinpeace · 02/09/2017 12:06

We got engaged after about a year together. We have a beautiful DD 3.5. And are very happy. Getting married in two months time after being engaged for 22 years. No need to rush things 😁

deadringer · 02/09/2017 12:11

Another one of these, I am beginning to despair. If you want to get married just tell him. He either wants to or he doesn't but your feelings are valid and you are entitled to want what you want. You don't have to 'propose', it's 2017, just tell him you want to get married.

Manclife · 02/09/2017 12:11

Took a decade to propose to my wife. Life just got in the way. Didn't mean I didn't love her any less.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/09/2017 15:16

Maybe you could start the conversation by telling him that you worry about what would happen to you and the kids if anything were to happen to him? Being married, whilst largely an outdated tradition, is still good legal protection, after all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2017 16:23

You need to have a conversation with him about marriage and where he sees this relationship with you in the longer term. If you want marriage you need to tell him how you feel about this and how important it is to you.

Cohabitants have little rights in law anyway and you need to be protected on a legal footing. Currently you are not and if he dies suddenly and you remain unmarried you are going to be up the creek without a paddle. That is on top of dealing with your own emotional grief as well.

You do not want to simply be his potential "she will do for now" woman. I would agree with the comment made by an earlier respondent:-
"If he can't come up with a solid reason for not doing it, I'm afraid I'd be having a good hard think".

scrabbler3 · 02/09/2017 18:52

I'd suggest discussing the future, and include the topic of marriage in that. Don't wait for a proposal like some 1920s virgin. You want the security of marriage so tell him that.

SenatorBunghole · 02/09/2017 21:33

Take the initiative to discuss it with him, at least to see where you are. Meanwhile don't have any more babies with him, but if you must, give them your name. Too late for you now, but personally I think it's a good idea not to give a child the man's name if you want to get married and he knows but hasn't done anything about it

PsychedelicSheep · 02/09/2017 23:18

Are all of the children his then and only the youngest one both of yours? I'd assumed you came into the relationship with a couple each from previous marriages, not sure why this matters but I didn't understand about the kids surnames?

Have a conversation about marriage, be clear about your wants and needs and what your expectations are. Don't let him give you a load of vague flannel. I think 3 and a half years is pretty soon to be getting married personally, it's barely out of honeymoon period, but if he's not on the same page re marriage you have a right to know this.