Upset DP hasn't proposed....

[Pearli]

DP and I have been together 3 and a half years. We have a one year old child and four DC from previous marriages.We are in our thirties.

In the beginning DP had said how important marriage was to him and how he wanted us to get married.

We've had some rough patches and have had an awful lot to contend with in the course of our relationship. 2 miscarriages, DP's business collapsing, an expensive custody battle for his son to name but a few. We have survived and are still going strong though.

He has made no mention of marriage at all in the past 2 years. I feel insecure in our relationship just being his 'girlfriend'. I don't want to bring it up as feel he should ask because he wants to, not because he's been pressured. So I guess that makes it a no in situation!

Not sure what I'm asking really, just do you think I'm expecting too much?

It sounds like you have been through an awful lot together in a relatively short space of time.
I can't understand why you therefore can't have a conversation with him about it. You are not some romantic headed teenager living some sort of a fairy tale, you are a grown woman with a lot of life experiences under your belt. Plans - for the next month, year, ten years even are talked about equally, between two adults - two equal partners, surely ? You don't need to 'wait for him to ask you', you talk about what the two of you want to do, and when, and how.

What's your financial situation? Are you working? Do you own your house or rent? Is it in both your names? What will happen if you split up or he dies? Will you still have a home and financial support for you and your little one?

If you are not financially secure by not being married, you need to address this as a matter of urgency. Don't fanny around waiting for a proposal. Talk to him and make sure that the necessary steps are taken whether that is getting married, putting the house in both your names, writing wills etc.

If you are financially independent, then that's different. Getting married is less important in terms of your financial security. Emotional security, is of course another issue.

There seems to be this massive expectation around proposals right now. Is it YouTube? All those videos of elaborate or public proposals. There's this massive pressure on men to make this private, personal conversation into a major performance and this consequent feeling for women that if their partners don't create this magical romantic milestone that they aren't being valued enough.

You've already had your proposals from exes in the past (and the fact that they are exes is a pretty good indicator that the performance proposal is no guarantee of future stability). Do you not feel that you could break free of all this sexist nonsense and just talk to him like equal adults?

I was with DH for 4.5 years before he proposed and it was 5 years after we got married.

My colleague and friend was engaged for 15 years before they married.

Another colleague and friend have baby number 3 on the way and have been together for 17 years and STILL not married.

You have been through a lot in a short space of time. Stop worrying, allow some time, have a conversation and 'put it out there' that marriage is something you want and put a 'date' (like 2019 or something) in it but with time to slowly plan and recover from what you have both been through.

You have to talk to him about it, otherwise you're just going to get more annoyed not knowing what he's thinking. I don't see anything wrong in having that conversation with your partner, marriage should be a joint decision, not something you sit around waiting until he decides if and when the time is right for him.

I had that conversation with my now DH. Yes he could see it happening in the future but hadn't thought too much about when. When I gave my point of view that we were heading for our mid thirties and both wanted to have a family and I didn't see the point in waiting around, he agreed with me and we got engaged quite soon after. It's such a big decision for both of you, you have to be able to talk about it.

Just tell him you want to set the date. He's said that marriage is important to him and you've had a baby with him. Things have got in the way recently but if that's all done go and book a date together. Doesn't need to be a big hoo-ha.

Sorry but it does beg the question as to why you've had a baby with someone that you're not 100% sure of.

I proposed to my husband. He's Irish so did the traditional thing of the woman proposing on a leap year.