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Original poster

What do you do if your husband says you're making up the problems in a relationship ???

49 replies

Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 22:02

I've posted a few times before about problems I'm having in my marriage. I feel quite low about the whole situation and am beginning to gear myself up for leaving but.... my husband insists that 'compared to others' (he likes to compare us to others, I tell him it's not a comparison game) we have no big problems and one of his sayings he had said more than once 'you could do a lot worse than me'

I however think we have quite significant problems that warrant me to stop underselling myself and gain back who I am as a person and recover some self worth.

He lies, about money and purchases, big things like cars he buys without telling me and debt worth thousands

He emotionally cheats

He never talks to me about problems, just ignores

He takes no accountability for his actions, no responsibility and I end up having to drag him through life like an additional child

It's wearing me down, I feel like letting go of the reins

So basically I guess what I'm asking is I'm not imagining this am I? I know if I left he would forever say I just got bored or he wasn't good enough even tho he tried etc etc bla bla

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 01/09/2017 22:07

Sorry you are feeling low, Grims, but dealing with this emotional burden, is bound to bring you down. How long have you been feeling this way? What kind of financial position are you in to leave?

From what you're saying, it sounds like there are a number of serious issues that have not been resolved. Has he made any attempt to deal with these? Would you consider counselling or has it got beyond that now?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/09/2017 22:07

Doesn't matter what he thinks or says, you are not happy. If he minimises your feelings that won't change, he won't suddenly say 'oh yes, it is me actually'
Maybe you could do worse than him, you could also do a lot better - your choice really.

I say the above quite bluntly because I recently got out of a dreadful and very long relationship. I'm so happy and free now I want everyone to feel the same, it's so great. It's not easy in reality but you don't have to live unhappily regardless of what he thinks or feels - he is not in charge and you don't need permission to end things.

Cambionome · 01/09/2017 22:28

He sounds like a nightmare. Sad

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 22:30

That's a good point, that I don't need permission to leave. Yes I have a bit of money and a job. Just all such a mind f**k x

OP posts:
Booagain · 01/09/2017 22:33

I think youve made a start already about letting go - to put all that down is the first step of realising it's not right. It sounds like he knows how you're feeling and is trying to talk you out of it. Have you both sat down and talked about these issues?
Do you have kids? Are you worried about the fall out with family?
Good luck with what you decide 🌷

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 22:37

Yes I have 3 DCs. Extremely worried and nervous about how it would affect them both short and long term. They are all under 6

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/09/2017 22:48

Yes I have 3 DCs. Extremely worried and nervous about how it would affect them both short and long term. They are all under 6

I do understand your worries, but really, don't you worry about the effect on them of an untrustworthy father who builds debt that could threaten their security? A big overgrown toddler who isn't responsible, would you want your daughter if you have one to marry a man similar?

I think we go round and round in our heads, weighing up pros and cons, years slip by, the kids get bigger and start to really notice and actually model the behaviour. The leap is really, really hard but my God once you've jumped the net appears and the relief is mighty.

With your support the children will thrive, and so will you. Stay and you will wither like I did (I lost my house too due to his debt so I am hyper aware when you speak of his money recklessness)

Good luck.

Booagain · 01/09/2017 22:48

Yes, that does make things hard... how is he with them? Have you been together long and has he always been the same way?
Perhaps talk to some friends who know you (and your relationship with DH) and weigh up and pros and cons.
And let off steam on here and talk it through :)

Shankarankalina · 01/09/2017 23:14

I've been through this, and if it helps, I will tell you the turning point.

He was the higher earner.
Lots of high-ticket expenditure without consultation.
Secret friendships (read 'dates') under the guise of working late.
Me being 'spoiled' by generosity
Constant show-casing of us v others

The day came when I told him I had booked counselling. Anger, denial, 'I knew you would react like this; that's why I never told you.' This was all in my head, apparently, the jealousy and disapproval being my problem.

'In that case' I say 'WE have a problem as I don't think I'm being unreasonable. So I will attend the counselling regardless of your view. But if you want to have an input into solving what is apparently my problem, you should at the very least show an interest in attending too, as this problem is terminal.'

And yes, I had four children under 8, and yes it was a pain in the hole to arrange, but there was no way I was allowing him bail on the attempt to fix things.

Ultimately it was unfixable. He was gone 13 months later. But at least I threw down the gauntlet and took some initiative. I was constantly shut down when expressing concerns. At least I got them aired.

LanaDReye · 01/09/2017 23:18

Say "I see this as a problem, how are we going to fix it by ..?." give a deadline .

Then stick to the deadline, he either meets you halfway and you move forward or it ends.

Ohyesiam · 01/09/2017 23:29

You'll not convert him to your way of seeing things, because the status quo suits him. You can't reason with an unreasonable person.
At the moment he knows he can do what he likes, and that the worst he will get is a few comments from you that he can brush off.
I'm really sorry you feel so down. what you describe is a huge emotional burden, enough to break most people.

You mentioned something about regaining yourself. It looks to me like you would have to leave to do that, as he is content to have his version of what's ok as " the truth ".

It's not working for you. find your strength, come on here for support, and be honest with yourself about what level of content/ discontent you are prepared to put up with.
Sending you much strength and resolve.

Ohyesiam · 01/09/2017 23:31

I've just seen that you have children. Do then a massive favour, and let then see you choosing happiness.

BertieBotts · 01/09/2017 23:33

This is called gaslighting and it's a known emotional abuse technique. You can even Google it.

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 23:35

Thank you all for your support, you've been so kind. I feel a complete failiure for my children, I came from a broken home and never wanted the same thing for them, which is I expect a large part of the reason I have not left already, as I really don't want history repeating itself.

To ask him to change is basically asking him to modify/improve almost everything about him

But it is at least someone else in my home, some company and security, stability . There have been occassions where he hasn't come home all night after a row, and the lonlinessnin the house and bed is almost too much to bear. Maybe that sort of thing would get better with time?

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/09/2017 23:42

It would get better whereas your current situation will get worse.

Read back your last post as if your friend or daughter wrote it. What would you advise?

Shankarankalina · 01/09/2017 23:42

So you are punished after a row with isolation and loneliness? Highlighting your vulnerability?

Time for you to devise a strategy: talk, or walk. Couch it in terms that suit your dynamic, but you can't fix this on your own.

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 23:50

He is very difficult to communicate with about serious things, It makes me feel nervous to bring them up, like I'm not quite sure exactly how I should start the conversation... a start of a serious conversation is often met with 'oh here we go' . He is never aggressive or violent but he just doesn't not see or understand the point ever.

So sometimes I txt some points/ issues across whilst we are apart Incase he feels more comfortable to answer that way, most of the time he literally does not even reply to it , that happened this evening and if i say 'why did you not reply' he said 'I didn't see that it needed an answer' (!)

I've given him the chance to walk before, and to live the life he seems to want to live in secret, a single persons life. And he insists that's not what he wants at all? I'm v confused

OP posts:
Isetan · 02/09/2017 06:08

I've given him the chance to walk before, and to live the life he seems to want to live in secret, a single persons life. And he insists that's not what he wants at all? I'm v confused'

What's confusing about a fundamentally selfish and dishonest man, wanting the convenience of a relationship but none of the responsibility? You've been stuck in the 'if he could only see' loop for far too long. Not only does he 'see' but 'seeing', has no effect on his behaviour.

You're asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why does he treat me so badly?', it's 'why do I let him'? This is who he is and handwringing and pointing out his behaviour hasn't and will not change him.

The balls never in the court of the party who prefers the status quo.

Isetan · 02/09/2017 06:11

You can not have a conversation with someone who doesn't want to participate. It takes two to have a relationship but it only takes one to end one. He's not interested in changing.

LaughingElliot · 02/09/2017 06:14

Goodness how miserable. You really couldn't do much worse than this. I know it may be difficult to believe but you would be infinitely better off away from this man, this is not love or companionship, this is abuse.
I think that you've taken a big step in posting on here and I sincerely hope you get the support you need to move on.

rizlett · 02/09/2017 06:19

This is a good stage op - you are letting go of his 'truth' which is all lies and beginning to work out what the real truth of your situation is. Take as much time as you need to continue to properly look at what is actually going on. Try not to waste any of your time and energy on trying to make him see your point of view. He just doesn't want to.

Maybe read 'why does he do that' and gather more info about gaslighting - read other threads - check out the freedom programme via womens aid. Eventually you'll be ready to completely leave this man child behind.

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 02/09/2017 08:46

He is a man child, exactly that. I feel like I've got to a point now where I'm completely out of energy in trying to salvage this train wreck and want to divert my energy into planning my escape, with the upper hand. He is making me resentful and bitter which is NOT who I am/was.

There has been a lot of promises and lies over the years, then lies after the promises of change, and then him insisting things weren't that bad that I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills. Wish I'd left years ago pre kids, but things weren't bad then, almost feel as soon as he knew I couldn't so easily escape now there are children involved thats when the shit behaviour started

OP posts:
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 08:48

Agree with Bertie. This is gaslighting. He sounds like a fucking nightmare. Get out now, before the kids start modelling his dysfunctional behaviour.

PinkMoony · 02/09/2017 08:56

What isetan said!

I was in a relationship like this. He was very dismissive and it was very cruel. Consequently there was no emotional intimacy and I felt dead inside. I went from that to being a single parent of three which was scary but the best thing I've done! There's life out there waiting for you, you can do this!

Original poster
Grimsfairyfanny · 02/09/2017 09:17

The problem is ... if I leave now he will ask why as in his eyes we have resolved all past issues. For me they still hurt and I think why did I put up with that and not leave at the time, the moments passed now . If I bring up old issues I get accused of not letting the past stay where it belongs

OP posts:
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