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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you do if your husband says you're making up the problems in a relationship ???

49 replies

Grimsfairyfanny · 01/09/2017 22:02

I've posted a few times before about problems I'm having in my marriage. I feel quite low about the whole situation and am beginning to gear myself up for leaving but.... my husband insists that 'compared to others' (he likes to compare us to others, I tell him it's not a comparison game) we have no big problems and one of his sayings he had said more than once 'you could do a lot worse than me'

I however think we have quite significant problems that warrant me to stop underselling myself and gain back who I am as a person and recover some self worth.

He lies, about money and purchases, big things like cars he buys without telling me and debt worth thousands

He emotionally cheats

He never talks to me about problems, just ignores

He takes no accountability for his actions, no responsibility and I end up having to drag him through life like an additional child

It's wearing me down, I feel like letting go of the reins

So basically I guess what I'm asking is I'm not imagining this am I? I know if I left he would forever say I just got bored or he wasn't good enough even tho he tried etc etc bla bla

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 02/09/2017 09:33

You don't have to bring up old issues.

Ask yourself if you love him anymore?

The answer, assuming it's no, should be plenty enough reason to leave him.

You are feeling guilty because you are the one who want to split up.

It doesn't actually matter what he thinks.

Try to avoid over-thinking it, just say to yourself that it's over (at least for you).

Cambionome · 02/09/2017 09:35

He can ask what he wants. Once you have decided to leave you are not answerable to him in any way.

Live your own life. Stand strong. You can do it.

rizlett · 02/09/2017 09:47

Op - put on your suit of armour here. This is difficult.

Any 'talking' with him is just going to increase your pain. He doesn't listen to you. He doesn't feel your opinion is valid. He doesn't care about you.

Its always been and will always be about him.

All of us hold the right to leave any relationship - without any reason.
You can stay though - just be aware of the lessons your dc are learning.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 02/09/2017 09:48

The problem is ... if I leave now he will ask why as in his eyes we have resolved all past issues. For me they still hurt and I think why did I put up with that and not leave at the time, the moments passed now . If I bring up old issues I get accused of not letting the past stay where it belongs

So you stay and get more and more unhappy over the years? These things fester and the resentment grows - believe me on that point.
Life with you suits him, all the benefits of a relationship with little of the work. These debts? They will grow too.

You are allowed to leave any relationship that's not working for you.

It can be worth trying to salvage marriages of course but that has to be both partners job, you can't change a marriage by yourself with a person who has 'done no wrong' in their eyes. It's just not possible.

misscph1973 · 02/09/2017 09:54

You can put yourself first. You are not obliged to put his needs first.

Original poster

Grimsfairyfanny · 02/09/2017 10:00

im not putting his needs first, I am the children, and perhaps the thoughts that things might be ok. I would only want to break up a family if things were dire and desperate. I wonder if he will not finally learn until after I've left and by then it's too late but a new woman comes along and reaps the rewards

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 02/09/2017 10:04

It's a hard choice, isn't it? I am personally heading for divorce, and I also wonder how I can put the children first. I do think that I deserve to be happy, and I am not sure that making myself unhappy by staying is putting the children first.

There is definitely a risk that he will learn if you leave him. He is also likely to find someone new.

I don't think you are ready to leave him yet.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 02/09/2017 10:08

Things won't be ok because he doesn't respect you. I am sorry to say that but I believe it to be true.

So often true colours only shine through after children come along, by then you are 'trapped' to an extent or it can feel that way.
I know a couple of men who have been astounded when the woman finally leaves once the children are older and she's back on her feet workwise, they think it is a bolt from the blue, but truth is they didn't listen all along.

RandomMess · 02/09/2017 10:12

Why do you think you need to leave?

You can just serve him with divorce papers to set the ball rolling.

He is being horribly controlling, he is basically saying "get back to the wifework" every time you put your head above the parapet.

LaughingElliot · 02/09/2017 10:12

Quite probably he won't learn until it's too late but that isn't your problem. Your problem is looking after yourself and your children. You cannot change him and he does not want to change, he has been very clear about that.

Right now you're very bogged down in it all but it doesn't have to stay this way, you can actually leave. No it isn't easy but it will be 1000 x easier than staying.

rizlett · 02/09/2017 10:23

He will of course get a new woman immediately - because he is a man who cannot live alone.

She will reap the rewards - and be in exactly the same situation as you are now. He's not changing op. Not for anyone.

You can stay - and remain addicted to the hurt he causes - or leave, work through the hurt that leaving causes and set yourself free.

You don't have to do anything at all though - and often it takes a long time of considering and evaluating where you are. We want you to be free asap because we know what its truly like the other side. Take all the time you need.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/09/2017 15:22

I just came by to say what rizlet said - what rewards do you think another woman would reap? He thinks he's fine, he wont' change, so either she will be able to live with his awfulness (more fool her) or she won't and he'll repeat the cycle.

So all another woman would reap would be to live with an idiot man-child. And if that's her idea of a happy ever after, then let them get on with it. You can have your own happy ending.

Maelstrop · 02/09/2017 15:49

I would only want to break up a family if things were dire and desperate. I wonder if he will not finally learn until after I've left and by then it's too late but a new woman comes along and reaps the rewards

But things are dire and desperate. He sounds bloody awful, he lies, he gaslights you, he hides important stuff from you. It must be like having another child, but a really nasty one. He can't even have an adult conversation with his 'Here we go again' crap which is designed, purely and simply, to shut you down and shut you up. He doesn't take you seriously, because you're just not important enough in his eyes.

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship, especially the emotional affairs. Where is your dignity? He is acting like a single man.

agirlcalledmove · 02/09/2017 16:03

It's horrible but you can't fix him. Only he can and he's not interested. so whether he changes or not is up to him, however he is not interested in making you happy...so you have to choose to do that for yourself and your children.

He has continuously shown you that his reality is not your reality...the things that hurt, frighten and upset you don't worry him. And yet he is supposed to love and care for you. This is not a partnership...it is unequal.

Show your children a better future. They already come from a broken home...just one where you share the same roof. Take control, show them love care and respect, good money management andthat being alone is nothing to be afraid of.

You would and will manage. And thrive. Just don't expect him to be reasonable or to ever agree with you, the past will be reinvented and your sanity will be questioned but you will be fine and debt free!

Original poster

Grimsfairyfanny · 02/09/2017 16:58

Thank you all, I am reading all your input and it's really helping me see that I am not just imagining and exaggerating it. There is actually loads of other little bits and pieces I could list on here but it's too tiresome. I did have a read about gas lighting last night, some of it rings true, but not all.

I've had a strange feeling of isolation and lonliness for some time now and I am beginning to see it's probably all stemming from here. I don't actually know why I keep putting up with it, apart from the kids of course. I have remarked before how I've turned into the person I've always said I wouldn't be.. a door mat x

OP posts:

Aeviternity · 02/09/2017 17:11

"you could do a lot worse than me"

Oldest line in the book. My abusive mother was a big fan of it - "I am all you have", "I am the only one that loves you, you fucking slut", "You are so revolting no one will ever love you and you'll always come back to me."

It is, curiously enough, not true, but it can sound convincing when a person you trust says it. It is designed to weaken you.

He's a liar and has debt. I know plenty of pleasant men who neither lie nor spend money they don't have and run up debt. Both awful qualities. You could honestly struggle to find someone WORSE than a debt-addled liar, unless you go digging at the bottom of the barrel. Could happen. There was a lady on here feeling 'a wee bit uncertain' about dating a crack dealer the other day. So yes, there are worse, but let's just assume you'd be avoiding under-bridge dwellers for a while. There are plenty of nice blokes. Sometimes it's just hard to see them, or meet them, when you're life's been a bit shit.

CastIronCookware · 02/09/2017 17:18

The problem is ... if I leave now he will ask why as in his eyes we have resolved all past issues

You need to reach a point emotionally where you can say "I don't have to explain myself to you, our marriage is over". Once you believe that - Then, you will have nothing to fear.

He isn't entitled to an explanation - you are entitled to end a marriage without justifying it to anyone.

thisfamily · 02/09/2017 17:36

What is says is one sided. And what you say, think or feel does not seem to matter. Is this a partnership?

thisfamily · 02/09/2017 17:37

Have you considered couple counselling?

Original poster

Grimsfairyfanny · 02/09/2017 21:21

Yes I have. We have been going to seperate counselling for a few months now. But nothing together. That's the last hope

OP posts:

GladysKnight · 02/09/2017 21:52

Doesn't sound as though he wants to listwn OP. He's a liar - won't he lie in couples counselling too?

BertieBotts · 03/09/2017 03:03

It's not usually a good idea to go to couple's counselling with a partner who is emotionally abusive, which is sounds like he probably is.

TrailingWife · 03/09/2017 03:27

I think that the key problem is that he lacks empathy for you; that is to say, he doesn't care how you feel or how his actions effect you.

This sounds like a small issue, but it is actually huge. My DH falls into it from time to time, and I have to remind him, but he can hear the reminder and he understands that this is a make it or break it issue for me. I refuse to spend the rest of my life with some one who doesn't care how I feel, or to sleep in the same bed with someone who doesn't care how I feel. (I can live with reminding him every few years).

You seem concerned that he will say bad things about you if you end the marriage. He might, but isn't it possible that you could be happier in a life where you spend time with friends and family, and possibly eventually another man, and that those people care about how you feel? Even if the price of that is that he says about you that aren't kind or true?

To me, it sounds like whether you decide to stay or decide to go, you will have the most peace by detaching from his opinion of you.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

misscph1973 · 03/09/2017 10:12

OP, you still care, that's why his opinion matters to you.

I think ultimately the two of you don't have the same values. You can be in love and share the same interests and goals, but if you values are not aligned, then it's going to be hard.

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