Me and dating...

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I'd like a bit of advice please.

Here is a bit of background info which should help everything make more sense.

I'm early 40's. Had been in a long term relationship for over 15 years from when I was really young. We fell out of love and it left me in my mid 30's trying to find a new partner. I was clueless about dating (primarily because I had never really done it before) and fast forward 3 years later I met someone and fell pregnant with their child. I wanted a child and was worried about my body clock ticking so we rushed everything. He basically ran and I was left on my own to go through the pregnancy on my own.

My daughter is now an amazing toddler and we are very happy. Luckily I'm financially stable, work and own my house. So the next step is to meet someone.

Dating with a child is a new thing for me and I've started internet dating over the past 3-4 months.

My problem is not meeting men, so far the men I've met seem interested and want to go on more dates. But this is where the problem is. I'm a bit worried because I enjoy the getting to know the person stage. But every time we get to even the 'meeting up stage' I then feel like backing out of it. I start to find the person annoying when I initially liked them. I know this isn't normal and I'm worried it's going to get in the way of me meeting someone. I'd love to be in a relationship again. It feels the right time for me, my life is where I want it to be and I'm happy and content. So why am I constantly having an internal battle with wanting to meet someone and then wanting to back out because I find the whole thing annoying

Can you explain further?

You say you find them annoying and the whole thing annoying. Is it them, dating in general or the time and effort it takes?

Perhaps you havent really met anyone fompatible yet.

compatible

Everything really. I hate it if I'm to be honest. The time it takes especially I think. I'm going on a mid-week date which means my daughter will have to stay at my parents over night. So I drop her off on Wednesday morning and don't see her until Thursday evening after nursery. I hate it. I know my daughter loves being at my parents but I still feel guilty. Plus I just find the whole process of dating annoying and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I haven't met anyone I like. And there is also a part of me which may be scared of meeting someone because I was abandoned when I was pregnant.

It sounds as if you're just not ready to date yet. You like the idea but not the reality. You want to skip to the part where you're in a relationship.

How about trying to meet someone in real life instead? Try joining some groups, scieties, church, anything which will broaden your social circle.

Dating is hard and online dating is brutal so take your time and enjoy your daughter while she's young.

Sounds like you don't need or want a man

You don't have to be coupled up. You are allowed to be single despite what society tells us every day with the true love fairytale and dramatic fear of spinsterdom

I was a single parent in my 40's whilst dating and like yourself DD's father wasn't around when I was bringing her up. It was difficult and I met a lot of frogs. I also resented the time, arrangements and general faff it took to meet someone who quite frankly, wasn't worth it.
I suggest perhaps meeting for a quick coffee rather than committing to an evening ?
Don't be hard on yourself, you have standards and when you meet someone compatible you won't find them annoying. You have a child and a job so you must be very busy. Concentrate on the great work you are doing !

Do you feel lonely, and as if you really want a romantic relationship OP? I get the impression you don't, its almost like you're dating because you feel you should rather than wanting to? It should be really exciting meeting someone for the first time, if you're not feeling that, I'd just call it all off for a while.
There will be people to date out there when your DD is older (I always used to assume there would be no one nice left once I turned 40, but there are nice single men of all ages it turns out!).

Op do what you want to do. Stay single for a while if you want & don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself just because society dictates, that you're going to be unhappy, because you're single. It's bollocks.

Thanks. I think you are all right. There is a part of me which would like to meet someone, mainly because it's nice to do stuff with them in the weekend. But I love my own space, I'm extremely independent. I'm happy and content on my own with my daughter. But when I see friends with their partners and photos on Facebook it makes me feel like I should do that. I do get lonely (about 10%) of the time, I'm too busy otherwise to even think about it.

Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be on my own forever!

The whole dating thing is really a massive pain like a few of you have said. So much effort needed I resent it. My daughter is only 2 and a half and I want to spend my time with her.

I guess talking about it on here is making it quite clear to me. I don't feel I'm not ready to date, I just don't to do it 😝

My rule is that dating should be fun. When it stops being fun I stop doing it. I find dating can take a huge amount of oxygen out of my life so when I'm very busy in RL I hide my profiles and just don't date. It sounds like your life is lovely and full; in your shoes I wouldn't want to have to put the sort of effort into dating that you are and don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I've done a few lunch time coffee dates. I quite like those because they slot in to what you're already doing and you don't get wine goggles. Good luck OP.

PS: don't worry about those perfect lives on Facebook. No one posts the shit stuff there. I bet loads of them are on here seeking advice for their real relationship problems!

Thanks so much. You are all being so helpful and in a weird way I feel like a cloud has been lifted. The past few weeks I've been feeling down about being single but for all the wrong reasons. I'm HAPPY with my life, I just felt pressure due to everyone else's 'perfect' lives to have a partner!

Thank you I love mumsnet! X

hmm... I did internet dating and disliked it intensely, nothing ever came of it, only bad stuff!!

however, it works for some people.

i sometimes think it was possibly because I was a bit "different" (but educated) and the men I was meeting were either dull or psychos.

if I had my time again and meeting a man was important (its not anymore plus I just can't be bothered with the myriad drips and entitled twats on there) I would do it differently.

(a) only meet men who sounded promising in the first place. always talk on the phone first. you can tell quite a lot by someone's voice and how they talk - are they respectful? overly intimate/personal? sound pleasant (or e.g. whiny, grating)? if they don't sound attractive in these ways, don't bother meeting.
(b) never go out of my way for a first date e.g. if you can only manage coffee because of childcare just do that, if he's a nice guy he'll understand.
(c) be wary of getting carried away with romantic fantasy!
(d) remember you are the prize (a cliche on MN, but its actually true ).
(d) mainly focus on creating one's own life!

I also went through a transition as to what I actually wanted out of dating as a whole. I realised I didn't want marriage / housing / totally shared lives, as is the norm. I like my independence and the dcs do come first and I couldn't reconcile a full on marriage type arrangement with their needs and the needs of such an arrangement.

I now have a bf of 4 years but we don't live together, see each other a few times a week, go on holiday, are monogamous but have no intentions of doing the whole full on heteronorm thing. People have just about given up asking when we are getting married!!

I met him late 30s. Suits me perfectly even though I have to explain myself regularly

Yay I love this!!!
And for people to do stuff with there's meet up groups and classes and all sorts

I do all those things, chat on the phone first and too be honest I'm quite brutal about the process. I only want to go on dates with guys who I feel i could have a decent chat with and is on the same level as me.

I didn't try to change my mid week date to a coffee (my preference) but the guy has his kids the next couple of weekends. Too be fair he has been open and honest and willing to come to my area. My mum is going to come to my house to babysit so less of a upheaval. Though next time (if there is one) I'll insist on a weekend date which is easier.

If this date doesn't work out (which I doubt it will) I'm taking myself off online dating and leaving it until next year. In the meantime I would love to join and club. I'm quite an outdoors person and also creative - any ideas?! 😬 I've looked online and too be honest I'm not sure what I'm looking for x

My experience of internet dating is that it probably works if you're very 'middle of the road'. If your interests and tastes are very 'mainstream', then you'll probably meet someone. If you're 'quirky' or 'not mainstream' in any way, you'll find it more difficult.

I'd say that what you've experienced is just having your own life and one that is good, sorted and you enjoy. Essentially, you're absolutely happy and content with being single and the life you have. You'd like to meet someone, just not anyone.

You will never be posting on here complaining about a partner who smokes weed every day and spends all his money on beer but refusing to leave because "but I love him!" Will you?

I think what's happening is that as soon as you realise someone is incompatible with you, your brain is writing them off, rather than finding reasons to give them a second chance or turn a blind eye to any warning signs that they might not be the man for you.

Good for you!

Ifyouhappen, when you put it like that - yes that's exactly what I feel.

I'm sat in my garden drinking a lovely cup of tea whilst my daughter sleeps. I'm so happy and content, why change things.

I see friends who are single parents who seem desperate to meet someone. All I see is drama and not very happy people coupling up because in some way they feel they have something missing in their lives they need to fill it with a partner. I could be wrong, but I don't feel it's the best way to start a relationship.

You could join YHA and just spend your weekends taking your daughter youth hostelling in the Great British countryside...

I'll google that! Thanks! X

I got to that point with OLD so I just stopped doing it for a while. Had a think about what I wanted, and I realised that I didn't need a relationship at all! That what I wanted from dating was company and a chance to go out and maybe sex. Well, I have friends for company, so I went on Tinder. Ended up with no casual sex but a lovely relationship...but I think it's because I'd gone past the point of thinking I had to find one!

The Fifthkey, I think I'm at your stage 😝😝 glad it worked out for you! X

And, I would have been equally happy if it hadn't.
Plus, it's nice to have a relationship in this frame of mind, because I give no thought at all to "where is this going?". I admit to the odd idle daydream about lovely things we could have in the future but also I don't feel that sense of...urgency? Desperation? For stuff to work out How I Want It To. Because I already know I'm fine and complete without any of that, I can take what this brings to my life as an utterly charming and fun extra. It's an odd feeling! But it feels healthy. Enjoyable, not stressful.

Yes I think that's exactly how I feel which is a great place to be 👍

All I see is drama and not very happy people coupling up because in some way they feel they have something missing in their lives they need to fill it with a partner. I could be wrong, but I don't feel it's the best way to start a relationship.

Absolutely!

I have recently started seeing someone. It was just a chance meeting and we hit it off. That is how it should be; not engineered through online dating. I don't know what will happen there, but it is stress free and withouth angst.

There are posters on here advising others all the time to not do the 'pick me' dance. Yet, to me, that is all online dating is: one big 'pick me' dance, where you try and be 'better' than all of the other women he is talking to, whilst they are all doing the same!

Awful, awful, awful!!!

A cup of tea in the garden; in peace; listening to the birds singing; whilst your beautiful daughter sleeps... that sounds idyllic. If you have cultivated that life for yourself, there is no need to sacrifice any of it for the sake of a relationship.

If you happen to meet someone who complements it, however...

My daughter (11) and I go to festivals, we go camping together and have weekends away. Sometimes we have sleepovers in my bed and watch terrible films! I've taught her to build and light fires in the fire pit and we sit around them, toasting marshmallows, singing and playing the ukulele... we don't really need a man getting in the way of that, tbh.

But you can do online dating without it being a pick me dance. For me, I'd very rarely be in a position to meet people naturally, as I'm a lone parent with two small DC who works full time. I never just chat to guys! I'd love to but it just doesn't happen. So it's more a case of actually getting to see who's available for me. But I don't chase or even try to sell myself particularly. Just get chatting and see where it goes.