Sad, confused, lonely and pregnant

[mummy2b17]

At 44 I currently find myself 6 months pregnant with a relationship in tatters. I have grown up children and never imagined I would be pregnant again but am, with a partner of 3 years. He has always been very guarded emotionally and not what I would describe a warm man but we got along great and had fun. He really wanted a baby and even had a vasectomy reversal. however since I have became pregnant things have gone from bad to worse.

He is no support to me emotionally. Complains that I am always tired and hardly have sex! Says I do nothing for him! We don't live together but he stays at my house most nights and gets dinner cooked, packed lunch for work etc. He is so moody and sulks for days hardly speaking to me. This makes me anxious and sad. My family have noticed his behaviour, and really don't like him.

Last weekend he went out and came home drunk. He was locked out and banging on my door. When I woke up and answered he started verbally abusing me, calling me a fat c**t, dickhead, boring bastard.... Next day he wasn't even sorry and wouldn't apologise. I'm so sad and scared for my future. Am too ashamed to turn to friends as I feel foolish for some reason, perhaps because I got pregnant to this guy.

Its odd but when he's not about, I miss him...then when he's around I resent him. I just want the best for my baby. Is that leaving their daddy or trying harder to make things work?

Oh lovely I'm so sorry to hear this.
He's abusive. That's is unlikely to change.
I personally think you and the baby would be better off without him.
How do you feel about going it alone?
For what it's worth, I was with an emotionally abusive man when I was pregnant and 40 yrs old and at 7 months pregnant I knew I wanted to leave. I waited for various reasons until the baby was 18 months old. It was harder as we had bought a house together. But in the end it was a relief. Hard on your own, yes but I'm so so happy now and my beautiful DD is 6 yrs old. Very happy. Very well adjusted.

How do you feel about telling him you aren't happy?

Yes the best thing for your baby is to leave him. No doubt about it that his behaviour is going to get worse and will make you even more stressed and anxious with a baby to look after too. Do you want your baby seeing him treat you like this and think it's normal? Or worse seeing him treat you like this and be afraid? You can do this alone you don't need him, he gives nothing positive to the relationship, constantly puts you down, do you want to be walking on eggshells all your life or feel happy?

I'm seriously thinking about going it alone although that makes me so sad as I had such high hopes for the future. I have 3 grown up children and split with their dad when my youngest was 7. Just wanted it to be right this time but I'm sitting in bed crying feeling my baby kick today. I'm constantly miserable and scared. I actually told him I'm scared and unhappy and he just shrugs it off. He really doesn't seem to care, he's so cold.

None of my family/friends like him, even when I have tried to make excuses for him in the past. I think they can perhaps see what he's doing to me....

Thankfully he does not live with you.

There is no relationship here to speak of let along you talking about "trying harder to make it work". What is that all about?. That also shows me that your own boundaries in relationship need a lot more work because they are way too low. This abusive man sensed your insecurities and went all out to drag you in; the "nice" man was simply an act designed for that reason. He does not love you, does not know the meaning of the word and is not interested in you or his unborn child.

If you really want the best for your baby this child should have your surname and be without his abusive father in his life.

Womens Aid can and will help you further if you were to call them on 0808 2000 247.

None of your friends and family like him?
Don't make excuses for him. My family and friends hated my ex. Not to put too fine a point on it he was a nasty c*nt and always will be. He sounds similar. You won't miss him. Your baby won't miss him. People will respect you more for ditching the arse hole. You can do this. You have not failed.
He's failed you!

Please don't be sad. Feel your baby kick. Be happy for that life and the future ahead for the two of you.
For all my ex did to me, I look back with such happy memories at my pregnancy and the wonderful birth of my DD.
And I am So. Fucking. Proud of myself for going it alone. Doing what was best for my DD and creating a safe, happy home for her.

Hold your head up high, take a deep breath and make today the start of the rest of your life. A happy positive life where you are not treat like shit. Get in touch with a fiend and consider telling them you're going to go it alone. I bet they will be so happy and relieved for you.

[Flowers] and all the strength in the world to you.

You. Can. Do. This!

It's natural to feel sad op because its another ending of things that didn't work out as you dreamed. [and also we have to deal with unresolved stuff from the previous ending too - which is confusing.]

It makes a lot of sense to consider going it alone because you don't want any further negativity to impact on your dc. How you are now will also affect your dc - in this moment and later.

It's time to be brave and let go of anyone who brings crap into your life. You really need a safe haven to bring your baby home to - start building it now.

Your adult children and family likely all too clearly see what he is like and what he has done to you in terms of ruining your already low self worth. You really would be better off on your own because he does not care at all. This child too should take your surname, not his.

You do not have to make excuses for him any more; that time anyway has long since past. Your main priorities are you and your unborn child, not him.

In the longer term I would look into enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you further as well.

The best for you and your baby is to sever ties with the loser.

Thank you, I guess I know that. Already in my head this baby has my surname. I have good family around me and I'm financially stable with my own house.

I actually suggested some time apart a while ago and he hit the roof. Accused me of wanting to leave and then fleece him for child support! He just can't see any wrong in himself and blames me all the time. Sad thing is I was starting to believe him

Have you come across the term gaslighting?
My ex was good at making me think it was me. Not him. And a king me feel I was going mad. Starting to believe him... until I wrote eveything down, listed everything in black and white and told family.
Speaking those words out loud and seeing it written down.
There was no mistake!

If you have time consider reading 'Why Does He Do That?' to give you more insight into his behaviour and like a pp suggested look at the womens aid website to learn how to build your self esteem so you are not relying on someone who only builds your esteem to take it away again.

If you were reading this as an outsider you would advise the poster to leave. He sounds not just cold but plain nasty and vile! I think it says a lot that the people who love you do not like him, he's bad news and would not be a good influence on your child. You try to talk to him and he blames you?! Who does that? Please don't stay with him to just be miserable, leave him and live a happy life.

You are so right, of course I would tell someone else to leave in this position. He's called my children arse holes a few weeks back (to me not to their face) which really hurt. When I asked what justification he had for this the next day he just said 'to hurt you'. Then calling me a fat c**t when I'm gaining weight because I'm pregnant really hit hard. Again I asked him why, and got the same response. If someone loved me why try so hard to hurt me, even if it is in drink/anger?

Because he's a nasty twat who will always try to put you down. You deserve a million times better than him and he probably knows that.

mummy - if it hurts it isnt love.

In am 42, pregnant and finding life tough atm. And I have a partner who couldn't do more for me. Respects that I am tired and want sex rarely, is taking the lions share of caring for our toddler, does thoughtful things for me every day. But still, I am struggling a bit.

I cannot imagine how you are putting one foot in front of the other when the person who should be caring for and supporting you right now is actively trying to destroy you.

He is a bully and a coward and has bided his time until he reckons your defences are at their lowest. I bet he is threatened by you on some level and is seizing the opportunity to grind you down.

Time for mamma tiger to come out. You are a strong, independent and capable woman. You have support around you. You have already raised and launched a family. You know how to do this. You don't need him.

If a person that close to you does not enrich your life, time to cut them lose. The sooner the better. Time will only make this worse not better. He has shown you who he is. You know what you need to do.

Thank you. I spoke to my children yesterday as they have picked up on his behaviour. They are 21, 19 and 18 and have all offered their support now and when my little baby boy arrives. Even their dad, my ex husband had commented to my son how unhappy I seem! I have my amazing mum too, who even though she is 80 is a great support. And friends will help I'm sure but I haven't had the courage to tell them yet.

I left this bully in February and he begged me to take him back, swore he'd change...but I now realise he's not capable. Guess things happen for a reason as if I hadn't gone back I wouldn't have my little miracle on the way. Feel sad my baby is going to be from a broken relationship before he even enters the world but am sure I can give him all the love he needs, along with my family.

Like your family, your friends will have your back, so give them the chance to be on your team as soon as you are ready.

Now all you have to do is delete his number, bag his stuff up put it outside, change the locks and wave tata. After his appalling behaviour, I don't think he even merits a conversation.

Spent the day with my mum. He's constantly texting me at first trying to turn it round and blame me, saying I need to make more effort??!! Then asking me to meet up. I'm now home with my kids, doors locked

So have you told him it's over?

Op he will say whatever he thinks will get the outcome he wants. Don't listen to any of it. Could you mark his texts as spam perhaps? Or block him on your phone or account?

There's really no need to read any communication with him.

The quicker you sever ties, the sooner you can get on with healing and preparing for baby x

I told him it's over this morning but I don't think he's taking it seriously. I've blocked him on WhatsApp n deleted him on Facebook

And that is the way to keep it. Circle the wagons, ignore all contact, block what you can, change numbers if you have to. Have all the large men you know on speed dial in case he shows up.

When you are ready think about what you want for the birth and thereafter. Until then, you have no need to have any contact with him.

He sounds awful. Don't get back with him because he doesn't deserve you and will drive you mental.

There may be times when you miss having someone because as soon as you separate we tend to focus on the nice stuff and totally forget the bad.

Remember to have a list of good things to do for you to help through these moments. The earlier you learn how to love yourself the less likely you will attract men who are just in it for themselves.