Sad, confused, lonely and pregnant

[mummy2b17]

At 44 I currently find myself 6 months pregnant with a relationship in tatters. I have grown up children and never imagined I would be pregnant again but am, with a partner of 3 years. He has always been very guarded emotionally and not what I would describe a warm man but we got along great and had fun. He really wanted a baby and even had a vasectomy reversal. however since I have became pregnant things have gone from bad to worse.

He is no support to me emotionally. Complains that I am always tired and hardly have sex! Says I do nothing for him! We don't live together but he stays at my house most nights and gets dinner cooked, packed lunch for work etc. He is so moody and sulks for days hardly speaking to me. This makes me anxious and sad. My family have noticed his behaviour, and really don't like him.

Last weekend he went out and came home drunk. He was locked out and banging on my door. When I woke up and answered he started verbally abusing me, calling me a fat c**t, dickhead, boring bastard.... Next day he wasn't even sorry and wouldn't apologise. I'm so sad and scared for my future. Am too ashamed to turn to friends as I feel foolish for some reason, perhaps because I got pregnant to this guy.

Its odd but when he's not about, I miss him...then when he's around I resent him. I just want the best for my baby. Is that leaving their daddy or trying harder to make things work?

Woke up this morning being kicked from inside by my baby. Can't deny I feel sad this happened but the last few months have been a living nightmare and I must remember that. Ended up in hospital last month with high blood pressure after one of his verbal assaults. My baby deserves a calm loving environment and that will hopefully keep me strong. Must admit I'm scared about being a single mum from birth though!

That's nothing to be scared of. You have a great support system which will be even larger and stronger when you've told your friends. Your abusive partner is your problem.

It's normal to be scared when we are not clear about how things will turn out but really no one ever knows how it will be.

It's good that you can explain that you are scared because often as soon as you express a feeling and therefore accept it - the feeling will ease. All feelings are temporary - even fear. Even missing someone.

Thinking about you with your newborn ds in a now safe environment gives me a smile. You can do it. You are doing it.

Have you any names in mind op?

Sounds like being a single mum from birth will be a thousand times better than having that 'man' in your lives! Can you imagine what he'd be like, both to you and your son? Can you imagine your son growing up in that environment?

You can do this lass.

I think it's a huge flag when a man is aggressive towards a pregnant woman. It goes completely against nature. Take it as a huge warning.
Take this time to nest and organise yourself for the first few weeks. Batch cooking, baby clothes, essentials and with your families help with fresh veggies &supplies you'll be fine.

Well done OP, yes it will be hard but I truly believe staying with him would have made life even harder for you. It's not as though he would have been much help. You ended it and he's still trying to put the blame on you, you don't need someone like that dragging you down your worth more.

Thank you all so much for helping me see sense in what's been an awful time. I agree about the aggression being a massive red flag. He even threw me out his house one night recently when he was drunk at 2am and began arguing with me. I had to get a taxi home. He has tried many times to start arguments knowing I have high blood pressure and have been told to take it easy. As for names I'm quite liking Dexter at the moment

Dexter is a lovely name!!

So let me get this straight, he wants you to get pregnant but is pissed off that the pregnancy is making you tired (at 44 ff's) and not up for swinging from chandeliers.
He treats your place like a hotel and you as a maid.
He calls his pregnant partner and mother of his child a c**t and other horrible words.
He doesn't talk you you for days and days at a time when you need support and emotional help.
He does nothing for you at.
Do you think this is going to improve when you have had your baby and are up all night, even more tired and even less fun.
I very much doubt things are going to get any better and you don't miss him when he is not there - you miss not having anyone suitable adult around to support you and help you out.
You know what to do, you posted for confirmation of this.
Do it.

Hey OP. I'm a single mum. Split with an abusive narc.

The tough bit of doing it on your own is when they are really little. It sounds like you have a good support network but try and widen this by looking at single parent groups in your area etc.

As soon as my dd who is now 8 got to about 3 it started to get easier.

Whatever the trials I can assure you that doing this on your own is easier and more peaceful than being in an abusive relationship.

I also like Dexter great name

I know you are all right and of course I posted here for confirmation. As sad as it sounds he has told me so many awful things about myself I started to question my own behaviour although deep down I knew what was wrong. His last two long term partners, who he had children with, left him. Wonder why?! Of course in his eyes it was all their fault and they were evil human beings.....

Little update. He has been given his stuff. I have spare key for my house back from him. He's been very amicable (well he would wouldn't he!!). Only thing is he's asking to still be involved with baby and attend my next scan at 28 weeks. Do I let him but take someone else with me or tell him to sod off?

Well done on getting him gone.
As for appointments - that is totally up to you.
I would want my birthing partner with me for all of this and I hope that is NOT going to be your Ex.
He'd be less than useless.
Tell him you'll send him pics of the scan but he's no support to you at all as he's proven so you won't be relying on him to attend appointments with you. You have XXX covering it.

Sounds good to me. He's already been to the regular early scans, I'm only having these later scans as an extra because I'm classed as high risk. My birth partners are going to be my mum and 21 year old daughter

Ohhh I like your birth plan. My dream would be to have my mum, my sisters, my nieces and all my female friends, plus a midwife or two.

Big farmhouse type affair, with under floor heating (important as I may want to lie down on it). Everyone in the kitchen, drinking tea and chatting. I wander in and out, have a separate room, where I go to do the pushing and screaming. I have a pad that controls the light, heat, music etc.

Once bubs makes an appearance, we have a lovely pagan type welcoming ritual, and my DP arrives (I love him dearly, but medical stuff is not his forte).

Sounds perfect!! It's been a week since OH went and I'm feeling far more positive and looking forward to meeting my baby in December

I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation to you @mummy2b17

My children are much younger but I'm 42 and 31 weeks pregnant with our third baby. I left him as he was emotionally abusing me, had threatened to have me sectioned, kicked me to the floor and then has started frightening and being rough with our three year old.
I am seeing him in court tomorrow.
I currently have nobody to come with me when I'm in Labour as my mum is going to be looking after ,y children and my sister has disowned me for using my mums house as a refuge. Hoping my best friend will do it if I ask her.

It's terrifying but I have a peace within myself now - even in the eye of this storm - that I have not known for four years.

Good luck and I will pop,back to see how you're getting on in due course 💐

Hi @lollipop7. Sorry to hear of your situation. I bet you friend would be more than happy to be your birth partner, I think it's quite an honour to be asked. And good luck in court, please pop back and let me know how it goes.

I have just started reading the Lundy Bancroft book some ladies recommend and oh my! what an eye opener. It describes my ex perfectly. Has helped confirm just how abusive he really was, after having made me question myself at times.

Glad you are feeling more peaceful. I know we probably have a few tough obstacles ahead but we also have lovely new babies entering our lives soon and need to be proud we are giving them the best start possible. 🌺