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Original poster

Leaving someone you love- help me see I have done the right thing

37 replies

Toria28 · 01/09/2017 11:05

I've just ended things with a non committal man who I love very much. The decision was a long time coming and I just need reassurance I've done the right thing and I suppose any advice from people who have had to do this before.

I am 31 (he about to turn 35) I have known him for 4 years (no DC). We had a happy committed relationship for over 2 years until he ended it, citing he didn't know what he wanted, felt like we were just really good friends etc. After the breakup he decided he wanted to try again and we start dating, said he missed me, loved me etc etc and really wanted to get back on track. For the past year and a half I have been in this non relationship situation, where we see each other once/ twice a week and have a great time but that is it. I no longer spend time with his friends and family as we did when we were together and all those kind of things that make it a relationship.

He's a good man but he just doesn't seem to be able to commit to me or doesn't want to but cannot tell me why "It's me not you". Recently I feel like my self esteem and mental health is deteriorating due to this situation.

Although we aren't together 'officially' he has always maintained that he isn't seeing anyone else and wants to 'see how things go'.

I recently found out that despite this he went on a date with another woman behind my back. When confronted he said he just 'needed to do it'/ his friends told him he should(!) to help put what we have into perspective.

I sent him a message a couple of days ago asking what he was thinking and is he still unsure about us? (I know I know!).
8 hours later, that evening, I got a response about something completely unrelated. How he was upset as his sister had cancelled a trip with his nieces. No mention or reply to my message.

I replied yesterday morning at 8am saying 'did you see my message or do my concerns not warrant a reply?' His response finally came at 10.30pm 'I didn't see it'. That was it.

I was drunk and upset and ended up sending him a text back telling him that I was done and that I deserved better than this. Signing off "take care". He hasn't responded and I've woken up today feeling sad and hungover.

I just didn't want to be the one to make this decision as I've tried so hard to make it work. I haven't been with any other man in the 4 years I've known him. I hate the 'what if'.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 01/09/2017 11:11

I think you both want different things & you've done the right thing, if it was starting to impact on your mental health. To some he'd be a great boyfriend, low level neediness & low maintenance whilst to some he'd frustrate the hell out of others. There's obviously people better suited out there for both you.
It might not feel like it now but, you've done the right thing

Wormulonian · 01/09/2017 11:24

There is no "what if?". He didn't commit to you because he didn't want to. I am so sorry but you have done the right thing. This man is messing you around - he wants to keep you on the back burner whilst still pursuing his own life (dating other women). You are not "his one" but a good enough until... That wouldn't be a problem if you felt the same but you want more from him than he is prepared to give. It will be very hard but you have taken the right step - accept you will have to grieve then move on.

Justbreathing · 01/09/2017 12:52

you could waste a whole life waiting for him to give you what you want

and if you finally got the commitment you wanted would you ever trust it.

if your mental health has been damaged by this, there really is no going back.
You do deserve better

Original poster
Toria28 · 01/09/2017 13:07

That is what I'm afraid of and no I don't think that I could trust it and would probably be waiting for him to end it again. All my friends are moving on with their lives and partners and I feel like I've invested so much into these past 4 years with nothing to show for it.
I at least expected some sort of response or acknowledgement to what I said but have got nothing.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 01/09/2017 13:21

The reason you got no response or acknowledgement is exactly why you've done the right thing. Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.
You said yourself, all your friends have moved on with their lives. Whilst that is important to you, it reallly isn't for a lot of people. He's one of them. He sounds happy to tick along, have a laugh, enjoy his life etc. There's nothing wrong with that but, not everyone wants sonebody else at the centre of their universe. They want people to be in their life but, not to be at the centre of it.
See this as you're blank canvass & the start of the rest of your life. You have the opportunity to meet someone else, more in tune with your needs. Good luck Flowers

PollytheDolly · 01/09/2017 16:17

You did the right thing OP with your drunken text.

Don't contact him again. If he contacts you, say you've made your decision and good luck with the future.

You deserve more Flowers

rizlett · 01/09/2017 16:20

What if.... you stayed with him and missed out on meeting the adult man who wants to make a proper commitment to you?

Justbreathing · 01/09/2017 16:30

and it's not a waste of 4 years.
look up the sunk cost fallacy

Janus · 01/09/2017 16:49

You did the right thing. I spent 2 years with a man when I was about 25 like this. He was great fun and everyone loved him but to be in a relationship with him was a nightmare. No commitment at all, rarely said anything nice such as 'you look nice tonight', didn't talk about anything in the future like 'shall we book a holiday this year', etc. It absolutely wore me down and I honestly think he treated me so bad in the end so that I would be the one to end it not him. What a bloody relief when I did end it. It hurt for a while but about 6 mo this later I met my husband, just when I thought I'd steer clear of men for quite a while!
Don't even hesitate, no one should be treated like that, move on and celebrate your lucky escape Flowers

ShitOrBust · 01/09/2017 16:53

just because you've flogged away at a deadbeat horse doesn't mean you should keep flogging away at it indefinitely.
its called cutting your losses.
please - move on.

Rambler17 · 01/09/2017 16:57

@Toria28

Your situation sounds like a no win one! It's sad when you feel your love is wasted, but you deserve more than a throw away lover. He is keeping his options open for bigger and better things (well so he thinks) and keeping you hanging on despite knowing your feelings. Not very nice and unfair of him.

You did the right thing!

Now there is room for someone new to come into your life. It will be hard initially as you will feel a loss, but be patient and good things will come your way.

2017RedBlue · 01/09/2017 16:57

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

2017RedBlue · 01/09/2017 17:08

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Toria28 · 01/09/2017 17:15

2017RedBlue this is exactly what I'm afraid of. The funny thing is he really does want kids and he tells me how worried he is that it's not going to happen for him. It just makes no sense to me- I suppose he is just keeping me around until he finds the person he does want.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/09/2017 17:21

So he went out with you for a couple of years and then demoted you, so you saw him less often, he felt free to go on dates and you didn't go to his family events?

Think about the cruelty of this. What kind of man can do this? Not the sort you should be looking for.

You did absolutely the right thing.

keely79 · 01/09/2017 17:25

He doesn't love you enough to make you his priority and commit to you. He doesn't even care enough for you to leave you alone to get on with your life. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. If he wanted you, he would be with you 100%.

Be wary of the sunk cost fallacy.. believing that because you've already invested four years in it it needs to work. Don't waste any more time with him.

Original poster
Toria28 · 01/09/2017 17:27

MyBrilliantDisguise at the time after the breakup, he put it across as we will start dating again and take things slow and then build towards a relationship again. Only nothing seems to have changed or progressed since then.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/09/2017 17:39

Then I'd say don't let him mess you about like that. I'm not a believer in ultimatums - just look at how he's behaving. It's not what you want in a partner. That's it. You are the one who will suffer if you don't do this now.

Putyourhandsintheair · 01/09/2017 17:45

Surely it says it all that he has not bothered to be in touch with you. Painful as it is, you are right to cut your losses now. He has done nothing to indicate he wants to cherish and value you as you deserve.

Well done for finding the strength.
Go NC with him now. No, drunk texting or replying.
The only way is forward!

JaniceBattersby · 01/09/2017 17:45

He's shagging you while he shops around for Mrs Right. Sorry, brutal I know, but it's most probably the case.

He doesn't sound very nice. He's certainly not your soulmate, is he? Delete his numbers and block him and find someone who treasures you.

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 17:53

Lady... you were his safety net ... he didn't respect you enough to stop dating other women..

find someone who deserves your Love x

kalidasa · 01/09/2017 18:22

I was in a v similar situation for a few years in my late 20s, he also said he wanted children but his behaviour told a different story! You've done the right thing. I met my husband not long after finally moving on from it.

RidingRossPoldark · 01/09/2017 18:25

God, there is absolutely nothing in this for you. Good riddance and well done for doing this...

Stripyhoglets · 01/09/2017 19:48

When you meet the right person it just moves forward without it being a big issue - it just works. 4years of faffing around - this isnt going anywhere and keeping trying to make it work will be wasting valuable time you could be meeting someone else it will work.with

Shayelle · 01/09/2017 20:47

Wow. Youve been through a horrible time. Hes been using you. Dont let him anymore Flowers