Leaving someone you love- help me see I have done the right thing

[Toria28]

I've just ended things with a non committal man who I love very much. The decision was a long time coming and I just need reassurance I've done the right thing and I suppose any advice from people who have had to do this before.

I am 31 (he about to turn 35) I have known him for 4 years (no DC). We had a happy committed relationship for over 2 years until he ended it, citing he didn't know what he wanted, felt like we were just really good friends etc. After the breakup he decided he wanted to try again and we start dating, said he missed me, loved me etc etc and really wanted to get back on track. For the past year and a half I have been in this non relationship situation, where we see each other once/ twice a week and have a great time but that is it. I no longer spend time with his friends and family as we did when we were together and all those kind of things that make it a relationship.

He's a good man but he just doesn't seem to be able to commit to me or doesn't want to but cannot tell me why "It's me not you". Recently I feel like my self esteem and mental health is deteriorating due to this situation.

Although we aren't together 'officially' he has always maintained that he isn't seeing anyone else and wants to 'see how things go'.

I recently found out that despite this he went on a date with another woman behind my back. When confronted he said he just 'needed to do it'/ his friends told him he should(!) to help put what we have into perspective.

I sent him a message a couple of days ago asking what he was thinking and is he still unsure about us? (I know I know!).
8 hours later, that evening, I got a response about something completely unrelated. How he was upset as his sister had cancelled a trip with his nieces. No mention or reply to my message.

I replied yesterday morning at 8am saying 'did you see my message or do my concerns not warrant a reply?' His response finally came at 10.30pm 'I didn't see it'. That was it.

I was drunk and upset and ended up sending him a text back telling him that I was done and that I deserved better than this. Signing off "take care". He hasn't responded and I've woken up today feeling sad and hungover.

I just didn't want to be the one to make this decision as I've tried so hard to make it work. I haven't been with any other man in the 4 years I've known him. I hate the 'what if'.

Thank you ladies. This has all helped so much. I feel in a much stronger place now. I think there was just that self doubt there about whether this was the right decision! Still no response from him so I guess that really does say it all. He was just stringing me along for as long as he got away with it apparently!

He will probably try and crawl back in. It will be hard but you need to keep the door shut.. your future happiness depends on it

This guy is a messer. I suspect he has a record of causing ambiguity and distance in his relationships and will go on doing so. In that sense I would not take this personally or get hung up on victimisation messages like "he was just using me till he found the one" - for this guy there is no "one" (there isn't anyway) and if he does find anywhere near it - he will be too scared to risk being hurt and ruin it with games. You are well rid. This sort of thing is incurable.

Thanks. I think you may be right. He's followed the same pattern in past relationships where he has been able to let his ex's move on. His previous ex before me cropped up a few times in our relationship and it wouldn't shock me if he was still in touch with her now.
I'm really struggling today. I've still not heard anything. I appreciate I told him that maybe it was best that we move on if he wasn't sure but I at least thought I would get an apology or acknowledgment/take care reply. Maybe it's easier that he hasn't.

Unable!*

It's shit what he's done
And it's shit he hasn't replied, but it says a lot.
I fear he will leave it just long enough and then try and come back in some way. If he actually is a decent person he will leave you alone to get on with your life and grieve this relationship

Hard to resist, but stay strong and take on the advice you've been given.

What a coward he is!

Move on - there is someone better out there for you.

This kind of behaviour keeps you trapped/attached. It's partial reinforcement. If he made in clear it was over - you would eventually let go and move on. But because he dithers and keeps you in limbo you are stuck. In the 60s scientists did experiments with baby monkeys and man made models of fake mothers. The models gave electric shocks to the babies when they went to the 'mothers' for comfort. If the baby got a shock every time it eventually stopped going to the electrocuted mum for comfort. But if the baby only got shocked half the time it could not stop trying - do get it?? You need to leave the lab and let some other poor women get caught in his trap. I fuckin hate guys like this (I did my time - 20 years).

Dear OP - Can I just re-iterate. This is nothing to do with 'you'. This guy has a deep seated issues with intimacy. You can NEVER win with a personality type like this - never. No-one will. EVER. It may seem like it for a couple of years with someone, but then the pattern will kick-in.

That's what I need to remember. Im worried hes going to suddenly change and give someone else everything I wanted, but even if he did it would be temporary. Time to stop settling for his crumbs in the hope that they will eventually turn into a loaf!

He's not going to change
He never will
He might actually end up marrying someone else.
But he will still never change. He's incapable of it.
If you just weren't for him, he would have walked away from you years ago and found someone else like normal people do.

But clearly he doesn't have the emotional capability to do that. Because he's never going to have that ability

Great analogy op - you deserve so much more than crumbs.