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Original poster

A few relationship doubts since getting pregnant

51 replies

BlackberryLassi · 01/09/2017 07:05

me and dh have been repairing our relationship after he was becoming increasingly aggressive and relying too much on alcohol and weed to function Day to day. (I've posted about this extensively on here and if you've got compassion fatigue please ignore post. I annoy myself too)!

As everyone in RL and on MN said, the changes he made didn't last and he's back to drinking and smoking weed daily and I think the amounts are very slowly increasing. There is however no aggression, namecalling, shoving or any other early warning signs. His behaviour is still loving towards me and our 4 yr old dd. He cooks, cleans and plays with her and holds down a good job.

I got pregnant. Now about 6-7 weeks. Very very unplanned and intitiallt dh asked if I'd get rid which I won't. He's coming round to the idea of another child now.

My hormones are going crazy at the moment and I don't know if this is why doubt is setting in but I've just felt a bit worried in the last few weeks. I'm so tired at the moment and he just can't get up first thing so I never get to sleep in because dds an early bird. I mentioned with two he'd need to start doing some night stuff and some early morning care which he agreed too but I can't see it being done without him in a major grump.

I feel like since getting pregnant there's been this really subtle shift in his behaviour like he's relaxed from being the best version of himself. We got lost in the car yesterday and after me apologising about 5 times he still was silent and moody and I pointed out to him that there was nothing we could do about it now and that he was only behaving like this to make me feel bad.

Another is we've been spending some time with his family because of a wedding and he (and all of them) got wasted in the evenings and one night I heard him being disgusting horrible to his big sister. She's having investigations for bloods and some masses found in her organs which they don't know are dangerous yet. They were both very drunk and stoned and she was trying to talk about it and he was blaming her saying it's your fault because of the way you live (hypocritical)!!! and she was telling him to fuck off and crying and it was horrible to hear. He also was starting on his 16 yr old nephew who was smoking with them. The next morning I asked him to apologise to her in front of her and she was just laughing saying everyone in the family was starting fights onneveryone last night and not to worry about it. (They sound dysfunction but the people I'm talking about are actually lovely and it's just their way). So maybe it's just me being pregnant and hormonal and not getting it.

I don't know if I'm just hormonal given that he's still most of the time bein g a nice normal partner and husband it does it sound like things are getting worse since pregnancy?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackberryLassi · 01/09/2017 07:12

I've just read the bit about getting lost back Blush. Definetly overthing that one! I'll put it down to pregnancy and feeling sensitive!

OP posts:
Blondielongie · 01/09/2017 07:12

Imagine a life for you, your dd, and the new baby, far away from him. Where you are free and happy, no walking on eggshells. You are in charge of every thing at your own pace. With two lovely children who only know your kindness and love.

Now imagine your children over the next 18 years or so living with someone who is aggressive, emotionally controlling and who you are all actually afraid of. And the regret you will feel when they grow up with that over them.

Sorry, it sounds so harsh what I've said. But it's what I would say to a close friend as well as a stranger. You deserve to be happy. You don't have to stay with someone just because they are 'sometimes' ok and you have kids.

SloanePeterson · 01/09/2017 07:21

Do you really think he's being a nice normal partner and husband? I honestly would run as far as you can. I was in a relationship with someone who smoked weed ten years ago. I didn't think I deserved better. I did, and I do. I too got unexpectedly pregnant and he has never been interested in our son, who has significant additional needs which have come to light the older he gets. I will always wonder if his dad smoking weed is at least partially responsible for his difficulties and that's a terrible place to be as there's nothing can do about it now. I can't go back but I wish I could, and tell myself that I deserve so much better than to be with that total loser. Weed is a total thief of ambition, as long as your dp is smoking it he just won't be interested in anything else as none of it will matter to him.

Original poster
BlackberryLassi · 01/09/2017 07:33

The thing is he is not aggressive or emotionally controlling anymore. It's just these little incidences I've noticed in the last couple of eeeks. Otherwise he is being a caring, fun dh and dad. He's getting involved in everyday life and not isolating himself and opting out of life like he used too.

I want things to stay positive but I feel like pregnancy has changed the relationship dynamic a bit and he's feeling more comfortable that I won't leave him again (which I did for a few months).

OP posts:
Isetan · 01/09/2017 07:37

This is who he is and you know it. As some point you are going to have to take responsibility for starting in this dysfunctional relationship and bringing another child into it.

I may seem harsh but hand wringing and waiting around for someone to change who isnt interested in changing, really isn't an effective way of resolving your situation.

The balls in your court, not his.

PurpleWithRed · 01/09/2017 07:38

Stop blaming yourself/your hormones for his terrible behaviour. He drinks to excess and smokes weed, he's broken his promise to you and your DD not to do this, and he comes from a background where being brutally nasty to people you love is normal and acceptable.

And all this despite being perfectly capable of being loving and considerate if it suits him (i.e. to keep you with him).

Personally I'd be running for the hills.

Justjibberish · 01/09/2017 07:41

If you're who I think you are, my advice would be to go back and read the excellent advice you were given on your threads under a different name, many of which predicted this relapse from his "best behaviour".
My apologies if I'm mistaken, but my advice would be to follow the advice above

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 01/09/2017 07:42

Honestly, I don't know what more anyone can say to you.

Yes, this is the start of the slide back into how things were. He may not go back to physically abusing you, but only because he's found that emotional abuse is more effective and you don't consider it "real" abuse. I well recall him berating you to tears over your anxiety issues during this period when he was supposedly being "lovely".

People on here can help you in crisis, but in the meantime we're just saying the same things over and over. He's an addict, he's cruel and unpleasant, you're in the "honeymoon" stage of the cycle of abuse, and your pregnancy is probably going to lead to an escalation.

Did you finish the Freedom Programme?

Original poster
BlackberryLassi · 01/09/2017 07:57

I have been given so much good advice and for a while I acted on it but it almost seems like it was advice given to a different relationship. I'm not trying to big him up but he's so much better than he used to be and I actually feel a bit decitful posting about his negative side now.

I don't want pregnancy to change him back but that's what I got a little wobble about. I asked him last night if he was going to massively cut down as he's slippped and he said yes but didn't like me pressuring him for antime when that would start.

I don't know what anyone can say that's new hear either. I just wanted some reassurance that it's not me being overactive because that's what I'd get told in RL.
I never finished the freedom project.

OP posts:
Heyx · 01/09/2017 08:10

So you're prepared to bring up children in a home where their father drinks alcohol and smokes weed every single day?

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 08:10

I don't know what anymore anyone can say to you either.

It's not about 'compassion fatique', it's just about there only being so many times peop;le can say the same things over and over again.

The problem is that your expectations are so low, that this looks good to you when, to anyone else, it's still fucking awful!

ShitOrBust · 01/09/2017 08:13

you know what you need to do but you won't.
you have been told but you don't listen.
best of luck to you - you'll need it.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/09/2017 08:23

I asked him last night if he was going to massively cut down as he's slippped and he said yes but didn't like me pressuring him for antime when that would start.

Because he has absolutely no intention of doing it. Or sustaining it.

Can you really not see that?

You tell him he'll have to start getting up earlier when there's two DC. This will never happen. If you force it, he'll make sure you pay, with his moods.

He has a drink and drug problem. You, DD and the baby will always, ways, come a distant third behind those unless he quits completely.

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/09/2017 08:32

At best you are being incredibly naive.

This man hasn't changed. He's behaved himself for a little while because you finally stood up for yourself. Little by little he's slipping back into his old ways.

Having a newborn baby can be incredibly draining on even the most solid of relationships. I really hope you don't regret your decision to stay.

Original poster
BlackberryLassi · 01/09/2017 08:36

I would be happy if I thought he could smoke and drink in moderation daily and it wouldn't impact on family life (ha!). I know how that sounds. If that's having low expectations then maybe that's what I have. He's changed but more importantly I have and my expectations are a lot higher than they used to be.

sonic I do think he wants to and he's admitted that he's slipped over the last couple of months. But, he's reluctant to make that big effort again. I know that and that's why my worry in the op was about me being pregnant making him complacent because maybe he feels like now I wouldn't leave again.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/09/2017 08:38

I think I know who you are.

I think even if you are not who I think you are it is clear that yes he is still being aggressive and emotionally abusive, you've just gone back to being deluded about him.

Now you are pregnant again you can expect more physical violence, his weed and alcohol use to increase etc.

It's much harder to leave again after going back but it is what you should do.

prettywhiteguitar · 01/09/2017 08:48

I think you need to finish the freedom project...... and get away from this man. It is much easier without them, even with two children. Get away from him and live your life how you would like not how him and his dysfunctional family are making you.

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2017 08:55

It's totally unfair of you to bring another child into this set up. Grow up, be an adult, take responsibility. You don't have the luxury of deluded teenage 'love', you have a duty to protect your child and yourself as a mother.

But you won't, so there we are. Crack on, I guess.

OliviaStabler · 01/09/2017 09:59

Please leave him.

maras2 · 01/09/2017 10:37

Not again FFS. Sad

Offred · 01/09/2017 11:23

Honestly, it's quite upsetting that not only have you brought yourself and your daughter back into a home with a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive drug and alcohol addict but you are intending to bring another child into it.

Another child who will be going to nursery stinking of weed. Another child who will be a witness to his physical abuse.

You know that I know it is hard. You know me and that I know that in a very intimate way.

But at some point you will have to take responsibility for your choice to keep exposing DD to yours and his relationship (and now a new baby too). It may be in the form of him harming you quite severely, in the form of social care taking your dc or in the form of having to live with the effect your choices have had on your children's life chances because you didn't intervene to stop it and neither did anyone else.

Being caught out by people doing something you shouldn't be doing isn't your biggest concern, it's you never helping your kids and your cover up being so successful that other people never find out and help your children.

Offred · 01/09/2017 11:26

(And your cover up is not great, back searching this name has provided all the info I needed to be sure it is you and some further confirmation he is still a problem. He still doesn't get up with her, he still is drinking and smoking every day, what has actually changed?)

Offred · 01/09/2017 11:28

Is DD still swearing and hurting other kids in preschool or have you managed to cover that up by her moving to school?

Offred · 01/09/2017 11:32

He doesn't want this baby.

How well do you think this will go when he is already disinterested in the child you do have and a completely shit father and partner who abuses you both?

ColdAsIceCubes · 01/09/2017 11:41

You won't put your own dd first, and I doubt that you will put the baby you're expecting first either. You're as bad a mother as he is a father, you need to grow up and make the change because he has now PROVEN that he won't.

Stop making excuses, I have no sympathy for you this is all your own doing, but your poor little girl... I have no words for how you keep exposing her to this crap.