A few relationship doubts since getting pregnant

[BlackberryLassi]

me and dh have been repairing our relationship after he was becoming increasingly aggressive and relying too much on alcohol and weed to function Day to day. (I've posted about this extensively on here and if you've got compassion fatigue please ignore post. I annoy myself too)!

As everyone in RL and on MN said, the changes he made didn't last and he's back to drinking and smoking weed daily and I think the amounts are very slowly increasing. There is however no aggression, namecalling, shoving or any other early warning signs. His behaviour is still loving towards me and our 4 yr old dd. He cooks, cleans and plays with her and holds down a good job.

I got pregnant. Now about 6-7 weeks. Very very unplanned and intitiallt dh asked if I'd get rid which I won't. He's coming round to the idea of another child now.

My hormones are going crazy at the moment and I don't know if this is why doubt is setting in but I've just felt a bit worried in the last few weeks. I'm so tired at the moment and he just can't get up first thing so I never get to sleep in because dds an early bird. I mentioned with two he'd need to start doing some night stuff and some early morning care which he agreed too but I can't see it being done without him in a major grump.

I feel like since getting pregnant there's been this really subtle shift in his behaviour like he's relaxed from being the best version of himself. We got lost in the car yesterday and after me apologising about 5 times he still was silent and moody and I pointed out to him that there was nothing we could do about it now and that he was only behaving like this to make me feel bad.

Another is we've been spending some time with his family because of a wedding and he (and all of them) got wasted in the evenings and one night I heard him being disgusting horrible to his big sister. She's having investigations for bloods and some masses found in her organs which they don't know are dangerous yet. They were both very drunk and stoned and she was trying to talk about it and he was blaming her saying it's your fault because of the way you live (hypocritical)!!! and she was telling him to fuck off and crying and it was horrible to hear. He also was starting on his 16 yr old nephew who was smoking with them. The next morning I asked him to apologise to her in front of her and she was just laughing saying everyone in the family was starting fights onneveryone last night and not to worry about it. (They sound dysfunction but the people I'm talking about are actually lovely and it's just their way). So maybe it's just me being pregnant and hormonal and not getting it.

I don't know if I'm just hormonal given that he's still most of the time bein g a nice normal partner and husband it does it sound like things are getting worse since pregnancy?

It's not a different relationship and he's not a different man. That's magical thinking. He's still an addict and an abuser and his behaviour still reveals that. All that's different now is that he's shifted tactics and you're in a different stage of the cycle of abuse.

And he is very, very predictable. Several people saw the assault on you coming, and I knew you would be making this post. (Although I didn't expect it quite yet when you've barely been pregnant a week. Congratulations to him, I guess, on coming in under my very low expectations?)

You're not being oversensitive. But he'll convince you you are, because that's what he does. You're going to end up right back where you were, except trying to raise two kids on whatever money is left after he's fed the addictions that are his real priority.

It's not about compassion fatigue. It's about the fact that you've made yourself blind and deaf and we're all talking to a brick wall.

You need to go back and remember how you felt when your DD didn't have shoes or a winter coat and you had to rely on charity because he spends all your money on his addictions. How he smashed up your home more than once and expected you to fix it. Imagine that with two kids instead of one. He doesn't want this baby because he wants to keep spending all the money on drugs and alcohol. Why would you expect happiness when you are with someone who was happy to see your DD in trouble at school because she was modelling his behaviour, go without essential clothes and smash up the house in front of her and whose sole contribution to her upbringing was attending the park where he didn't interact with her but just sat smoking drugs and drinking such that your were excited that he was getting better?

Honestly, that post you made so long ago about being so happy that he was finally engaging with DD because he was smoking his joint, drinking his can and ignoring her in the playground rather than at home is so, so shocking that I will remember it for a long while. And now it seems as though you have just walked right back into having the ridiculously low expectations that led to you making that post in the first place.

What's happening is the new baby has punctured your fantasy view of him so that your very sensible anxiety is able to seep through and cause you concern.

What is really getting quite unforgivable is your complete unwillingness to put your DD before being in a relationship with him. He isn't even managing basic normality and you are so pleased with him.

I said it on all the other threads too but I'll say it again. If you can't gather the strength to safeguard your DD you need to speak to SC so that they can. It will be much better coming from you than school or one of the other parents who reports you.

offred I have changed so much since I thought that the day in the park last year was a positive one.

Things are so different but I just wanted a bit of clarity to see through the early pregnancy mist of being up and down.

I am a good mother now. I wasn't and I'll have to live with that. I put her first and check him if I think he's being out of line. Thanks to his upbringing he's still learning how to be a good parent.

She is no longer swearing or unhappy. She has a full life and sees friends and family every day.

I'd be lying if I didn't say Im concerned that me being pregnant has shifted the dynamic and that I'm a bit more unsure about the future but I'm getting things right. Of course I was too hasty getting back with him so early on. My fault and I didn't listen.

We are much more child centred as a family now and although I don't like his increase in drink and smoking it's not dominating our life.

I'm aware pregnancy can tip men like him over the edge and even though I don't like the usual criticism of the thread it's at least answered my question that it's not just me and pregnancy hormones.

I'm not going to be wilfully blind to anything and sleepwalk into a nightmare like last time. Even if this pregnancy proves that he hasn't changed, I definetly have.

But it isn't the pregnancy.

He never stopped drinking and smoking.

He is still subjecting you and DD to his toxic family.

He still doesn't get up with his daughter.

His moods still dominate the house, even when his mood is 'I am going to engage with my daughter today' his mood is still dominating you and DD.

He might have down shifted from level 10 to level 6 day to day but you actually left him and all that resulted was him being less abusive and his addictions being less of a massive problem.

This is a temporary effort so you don't leave him alone in his misery and even that has left him being nowhere near even functioning as an adult.

What on earth is there to be positive about? You want to bring another baby into the house and he has already worked out, within a couple of weeks, how to use it to enable his addictions and abusivr behaviour...

You need to have a think back about what your line was before. That you left because he attacked you, that DD smelled of weed and was acting out copying his behaviour and he would rather spend money on drugs and alcohol than on her.

You both did better away from him - that's the only way you will be better as a family - without the drugs and alcohol - he's swapped the physical abuse for emotional for now, but like last time when it escalated but bit by bit it is going to happen again.

If he attacked you now he could cause you to lose your baby. His attitude hasn't changed - he was on his best behaviour and he can't keep it up - DD deserves better, so do you.

He is abusive and will not change. Stupid to get pregnant, and assuming you keep the pregnancy you should assume you'll be a single parent of 2 in due course and that he won't provide financial support.

His upbringing doesn't excuse his abuse and poor parenting.

He's an addict too.

What does not being 'wilfully blind' and sleepwalking into a nightmare mean to you?
It looks to me like this is exactly what you are doing right now. You are not listening to your own voice telling you that things have changed since you got pregnant and are now more vulnerable than before.
If you have really changed then start making plans to get out now while you still have some strength left.
You are sleepwalking yourself and your DD into another nightmare, how he is now is a short term, best he is ever going to be version of himself and he cannot sustain the illusion for much longer. When he snaps this time it could be really dangerous for you and your DD.
I really hope you find the courage and support to protect yourself and your children by leaving.
Please go back and complete the Freedom programme and get away from this man.

I've already said the pregnancy was by accident but I don't want to terminate. I know it's not ideal but I want to make it work.

I think (hope) it's his subconscious telling him he can relax on the drink/drugs front because I'm pregnant.

There hasn't been any hint of any aggression towards me since last year. Nothing in our new place has been smashed or thrown. He's much calmer now.

Personally the thing I won't and can't forget is how utterly shamelessly he jerked around and manipulated your DD to get to you. That was Christmas, not so long ago. And then of course there's how he didn't do a damn thing to care for or provide stability for her while you were in the hospital, and it didn't even occur to you that thats what a good dad would be doing. And now, without getting clean and sober, without doing therapy or really making any significant changes at all, he really understands she's a human being and not just a tool he can use, and is gonna be a good dad? Riiiiiight.

Serious question. If something happened to you, would you trust him to raise DD and the new baby?

He's done some things that have taken a lot of me to forgive. I don't think about it often.

Honestly I'd worry about him raising two children alone. I have a lot of family around who would help him.

Okay. So even your best-case scenario is a lifetime of watching him, managing him, and compensating for him. Doesn't even the thought of that make you tired? It sounds fucking exhausting to me.

In your OP you describe two separate instances of him being aggressive - his moodiness in the car and his abuse of his sister.

Why would you forgive the things he has done? They are unforgivable.

He was a cunt to his sister and that's what got the anxiety ball rolling with me.

The car thing was me being emotional and I think most couple have had that arguement before!

You don't need to forgive him for those things. You simply need to respond appropriately to them.

He isn't sorry, he hasn't changed and the things were so bad that they can't possibly be forgiven.

you are intent to make excuses for him.

You can't shrug this off by saying 'every couple argues' when this wasn't even an argument. It was you desperately pleading with a man who has physically and sexually abused you in the past because he was sulking over something really small when you were trapped in a car with him.

On what planet is someone feeling they need to apologise 5 times about a minor mistake whilst their partner seethes with quiet rage 'an argument'?!

It's emotional abuse. His intention in doing both these things is to put you in your place by reminding you of what happens when you make him angry.

Please, please for God's sake get some permanent contraception. You and your awful partner are now going to be in charge of the lives of two innocent little souls. It's unbearable to think of this must stop.

So sad to read all your threads and hear you constantly insist that you are doing the right things. When you literally do the EXACT opposite of the right thing, over and over again.

You won't be told how to make things better, so the only advice I can give is that you get sterilized after your upcoming birth so you can limit the number of children involved.

I wish you the best and hope that by some miracle you realise one day that you are actually able to make better choices. And that you then begin to make them. Xx

Why would you forgive him at all? The things he has done to you and your daughter are unforgivable, as you've basically admitted. You force yourself not to think about them so you don't have to deal with that.

That's why this conversation has no future. You're choosing to be with him in defiance of advice, precedent, common sense, your own instincts and better feelings. There's really nothing else to say.

The only way you can 'make it work' is by leaving him to destroy his own life alone and raise your dc on your own.

if you died I'd be willing to wager that he would raise the dc with his family not yours.

Your dc would be those kids like my XP who get offered cocaine in the toilets at a family wedding when they are 11.

You clearly aren't ready to listen to common sense. You're in denial and no one can help you until you decide you're ready.

Let's hope it happens before you've got even more children to expose to this shit life.

You're still thinking of him as someone who wants to be better, who wants to be a good person and a good father and a good husband, but struggles because of his fucked-up upbringing.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to be different. He doesn't want to change.

I know this is so, so hard to believe. I know you'll think I'm talking bollocks because I don't know him, and because you remember times when he's told you in tears how much he wants to be better. Maybe he's even convinced himself, for the length of that conversation. I'm sure he's convinced you (just like so many men like him have convinced so many people like me and others, until we finally got out).

But the thing is, he doesn't actually want to change. He has never wanted to change. He wanted to do the bare minimum necessary to get you back. That's all. That's it. He didn't go to therapy, he didn't stop smoking, his weed and alcohol use have been inching back up since you got back together. He's still capable of being a nasty, awful person, as you saw with his sister. He's still willing to emotionally browbeat you, as he did to you in the car. He has never given any indication that he wanted to change, because he doesn't want to change.

You want him to change. You want better for him. That's fine, that's understandable. But you're getting what you want mixed up with what he wants. You want this so much for him - and for yourself, for your fantasy of a perfect lovely family - that you're letting yourself ignore all the evidence that he doesn't want this, that he's actually just fine with being like this, that something about this is working for him even if to you he seems desperately unhappy.

He hasn't changed. He doesn't want to change. He could change, if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to and there is NOTHING you can do that will change that. Your choice is either:
a) kid yourself that he's totally different now, because even though he's still smoking/drinking/being mean/being useless as a father (he can't even get up with his own daughter in the morning ffs!), he's at least not physically assaulting you any more so that's a marginal improvement.
b) face up to the reality that this is who he is, and put your children first.