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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left DH, he wants the house....

50 replies

ripeninfruitbowl · 31/08/2017 21:24

DH and I have been married for 18 years and have 3 DC. We are not happy together. He has drunk heavily throughout most of our marriage, but has almost stopped over the past couple of years and has put a great deal into his business, which is beginning to take off. After I had DC3 I stopped working (I was a nurse, but my registration has now expired). He has always resented me for not working and gets very cross about it. DH does not have much of a relationship with our DC. I believe that our DC have been largely untroubled by the difficulties between us, until recently, when DH has got increasingly angry and hostile with me. I find it impossible to speak to him, he verbally 'ties me up in knots' and we never get anywhere. Last week we agreed I would move to my Dad's - 100 miles away - as things were getting worse. DH said he would not leave the house. After having spent a week at my DDad's, I am realising that it is not in my DC's best interests to be here. He has a small house - really only one free bedroom for all of us (although we could 'create' a small amount of space, but it's certainly not ideal). They are starting school next week and I haven't been able to get a school place organised here, plus my DD1 has ASD and can be extremely challenging, which is causing serious problems for my 76 year old dad! I spoke to DH today and said I believe we should return to the family home, at least for the short-term whilst we sort things out, but he is angry and insists that he should be able to stay there. I feel under so much pressure - I really feel sorry for DH and appreciate how difficult it will be for him to move, but I don't know what I can do to help him. He's not answering the phone after we spoke earlier - what should I do?

OP posts:
Bant · 31/08/2017 21:30

Take the kids back to their home and rent a flat for yourself?

That seems to be the advice for men who want to check out of a marriage.

youhaveafacefortheradio · 31/08/2017 21:38

I don't have any advice but then neither did the poster above!

It must be really hard for you all and I hope someone with decent advice will come along soon.
If I were you I'd be going back home with the children putting on a brave face and try to work out something that works in the longer term.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/08/2017 21:40

Go back home. He can't stop you.

Yes it will be difficult for him to find a place but it will also be difficult for you to find a suitable place.

Get a solicitor, find out the options open to you.

Worst case scenario you sell the house, split the proceeds and you each find a place of your own.

You've spent years enabling an alcoholic haven't you? I don't know what I can do to help him He has been really nasty to you, the DC are suffering, but still you are putting his needs above everyone else's. Why the actual fuck should you help him to your own detriment?! The children have to move school so he isn't mildly inconvenienced! He really has done a number on your sense of normality hasn't he?

You don't need to speak to him on the phone, you don't need a response to texts. You pack up your stuff and you go back home. You lawyer up.

If he is a dickhead, you don't think of ways to help him, you think of ways to help yourself and to protect your children's future.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 31/08/2017 21:41

If you're married and it's both your house just go back. It's legally yours too.
Although I don't really understand what's going on. How did you both decide you should move away... permanently?
Or was it during a row?

hippy1952 · 31/08/2017 21:43

Youve got to go back.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2017 21:53

If your name is on the house, your husband can't demand anything. Go back until you make other arrangements, and he either has to buy you out or you sell.

Original poster
ripeninfruitbowl · 31/08/2017 21:54

Bant - Do you mean leave my DC with their father? That would not be possible under any circumstances! They do not have a relationship with him, he would not be there for them and he would not want them either!

RunRabbit - You have given me so much to think about - thank you. I think you're right - I really don't know what is normal and haven't for a long, long time.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 31/08/2017 22:21

It might be worth speaking to citizens advice or a solicitor if you can afford it.

I think that legally it is seen as in the best interests of the children to remain in the family home, and it would be expected that he leave, not you. I'm not a solicitor mind you.

Anon171175 · 31/08/2017 22:30

#Bant - yes take them home to their alcoholic father and leave them there. Good advice.

Bant · 31/08/2017 22:50

How old are the DC?

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2017 22:56

I think the children's needs come first. Your dad's house isn't suitable. You should be in the family home with the children, particularly given your disabled child, until a decision is reached by the courts about what should happen.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2017 23:09

Yes, consult a solicitor. Remember that your H's opinion does not matter. The courts will consider the DCs' wellbeing as the main priority, which will in practice mean that either you and they live in the family home and the H finds somewhere else, or the house is sold and the proceeds divided in such a way that the DC get an appropriate home.
An abusive alcoholic can be kept at a safe distance, too.

Viviennemary · 31/08/2017 23:12

The house belongs to both of you. If you are to split up then one of you will have to move out or else the house is sold and you both find somewhere else. Get legal advice as to the best practical way forward if there is no chance of a reconciliation.

Anecdoche · 31/08/2017 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2017 23:28

As several posters have said, it is imperative that you retain a solicitor as soon as possible. They can advise you of your rights and an appropriate course of action.

SonicBoomBoom · 31/08/2017 23:42

Do you have keys to the house?

Original poster
ripeninfruitbowl · 01/09/2017 08:58

Thank you for your help and replies. I left him a message this morning saying we were intending to return on Sunday evening. He called back absolutely fuming shouting that I cannot return and he will change the locks. He then put the phone down...

OP posts:
msrisotto · 01/09/2017 09:06

I wouldn't return to the house. Sure you have every right to but fuck, do you want to? He sounds awful and I wouldn't want to spend another second in his company. Take it through the courts, he won't be able to bully them.

And your kids will be affected by all of this. It's not your fault but they're not stupid, they will know something horrible is going on, they will be scared and confused and will need to talk about it and be reassured. For their sake please don't pretend they don't have feelings about this.

Original poster
ripeninfruitbowl · 01/09/2017 09:32

msrisotto - thanks. Yes, the children are fully aware what's going on now (previously our situation did not really cause them undue distress, but I left because it was starting to affect them). I am open with them and we talk all the time. They are definitely scared and confused right now and it's devastating. We are extremely close as a unit and the children are pulling together.

Bant - my children are 11, 9 and 7.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/09/2017 09:41

See a solicitor today. I'd go back. He has no legal right to bar your entry. I'd actually just go in there today if possible, whilst he is at work.

You can't stay where you are.

Ninjakittysmells · 01/09/2017 09:45

For gods sake don't be so open with your young kids that they are "definitely scared and confused right now". You are their stability and you make the decisions then give them the appropriate information - you can't involve them in this to the point of distressing them!

That said, I would be returning to your house as that's what is best for your kids if it can be done calmly. Can you start communicating via email so it distances you both a bit from it and there is a paper record?

JoJoSM2 · 01/09/2017 09:55

What a nightmare. I'd go back ASAP. If he starts being abusive, just call the police. Get some legal help as soon as you can too to move things on. Agree with others - it would only make sense that you stay in the house with the children and he moves out or perhaps that the house is sold and proceeds shared. Also know of a case where the mother + children were able to get a coucil house until the situation was sorted (although that was a long time ago).

SuburbanRhonda · 01/09/2017 09:59

I thought it was against the law to change the locks on someone's home?

Anon171175 · 01/09/2017 10:04

No it's not against the law to change the locks. My solicitor said I could. But you MUST allow access to the house and they r also allowed 2 use force if they r refused access.

BeachysFlipFlops · 01/09/2017 10:05

Is your 11 year old starting secondary? Where are your school places?